[ROUND-UP] PARK SLOPE MILFS

The following post is brought to you by Prospect Park West author and all-around Park Slope All-Star, Amy Sohn.

When I published a round-up of Park Slope DILFs on this blog in the spring the DILFs ate it up. They bowed to me when they saw me in the street. Some kissed me. Some emailed me to thank me so profusely it was spooky. Kirk from the Roots, who has been in every major music magazine in the world, said I had given him the kind of press that really mattered. They were so solicitous and grateful that I began to feel Park Slope adultery might be more than just a conceit for my novels.

Recently a fellow mother suggested I do a MILF list, and yes, she lobbied to be placed on it. (I won’t tell.) I began thinking about all the negative physical stereotypes we Park Slope moms face. Shlumpy, frumpy, fat, hairy, gray-haired, poochy, pasty, slobby, fashion-backward, saggy-boobed, lactating, sling-hanging, baggy-eyed, wrinkly, waddling, frizzy-haired, big-assed. 

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MILF, I Wanna Be Your Baby - M4W

I saw you at Tea Lounge Saturday afternoon. I was sitting on the brown recliner near the coffee bar with my laptop, secretly masturbating to pixelated photos of Tina Yothers from "Family Ties". You were the tall blonde MILF, chatting with some dumpy brunette. Your kid was parading around the cafe, mashing chocolate frosting into clean tables and tossing half-eaten chunks of food at nearby patrons.

Your child's stroller was parked in the middle of a busy aisle, blocking my view of your bod. Thankfully, an old man tripped over one of its wheels and it rolled forward as he flailed to the ground. Then like a dream, I saw the hot pink glow of your Crocs, illuminating the bulging varicose veins in your husky, unshaven legs. It was like a Lite Brite toy, beckoning me to plug my bulbs into your peg board.

It was obvious that you were checking me out, since you failed to notice that your daughter ate a tube of lipstick and started drinking an enema bag she fished from your purse, thinking it was a Capri Sun. I saw you writing something on a piece of newspaper before you left, so I got up to check the table once you walked away. Unfortunately, amongst the massive pile of dirty napkins, crumbs, broken plates, and a puddle of spilled coffee, all I could find was a crumpled note that said, "Here's a tip for the mess", along with two quarters.

MILF, I wanna be your baby! Call me!

NAKED MILFS!

DAYM, ya'll! These Washington Heights MILFS are seriously takin things up a notch! (TAKE NOTE ALL YOU NON-FABULOUS PARK SLOPE BREEDERS).

As members of local groups Poker Mamma's and Moms Who Drink, these ladies are clearly not your average baby makers--espesh since they decided to get all naked-n-shit for Time Out NY.

Anyway.

Our hats off to you, hot mommiez! We'd totally do any of you...

(via Time Out NY)

If You Want to Cheat on Your Spouse Just *Once,* Smartmom says 'GO FOR IT!'

Seriously.

Look: "If it’s a one-time thing, Smartmom says, why not? While that might sound flip, the truth is, it does happen and doesn’t need to break up a marriage."

Nice one, Smartmom!

There was a whole series of posts back and forth on Park Slope Parents last week in which a woman was asking for advice from her fellow BREEDERS on what to do about her husband who was Craigslist trolling for some baum chicka baum baum action. Smartmom, in her weekly Brooklyn Paper column, chimed in.

Oh man...you can't make this shit up, people.

LIVE FROM GREENPOINT: MIDNWTFS!

Miss Heather from NY Shitty taught me a new word last week (and sent us this pic!): MIDNWTF.

Loves.

(p.s. This was taken in the basement of the Lutheran Church of the Messiah--halleleujah!).