Your FiPS Guide To Voting Tomorrow

Voting in elections is an important way for citizens of this great country to voice their opinions.  Nevermind that opinions are like assholes--everybody has one, and most of them stink.  This is your one chance to exercise one of your most cherished rights as a citizen!  People died so that you could vote!  Well, no one that you know, most likely, but rest assured that it happened.  Probably.  I mean, they might not have been thinking about you going to the polls at the precise moment they stepped on a land mine, but it was almost certainly in the back of their mind, somewhere.  God bless America, and God bless our troops!  

Anyway, since it's so goddamned fucking important, we, here at FiPS have decided to tell you how to go about this whole voting thing.

• Before you start wandering aimlessly through the neighborhood, looking for your polling place, do yourself a favor.  Go on the internet machine and click on this link.  Put in your address.  That'll tell you where you're voting.

• They moved a bunch of polling places, just since the last primary.  For example, if you used to vote at PS 10 in the South Slope at 7th Ave., you now have to walk all the way over to PS 154 on 11th Ave, in Windsor Terrace. Election Districts that were scheduled to vote at the Park Slope Armory will now vote at PS 154(1625 11th Avenue at Windsor Place). Election Districts that were scheduled to vote at John Jay HS will now vote at PS 282 (180 6th Avenue, between Lincoln & Berkeley). This is part of a new program that the Board of Elections has come up with to ensure that as many people as possible are late for work (or dinner) on Tuesday.

• When you arrive at the polling place, you'll be asked whether you know your election district.  You do not.  Nobody knows their election district.  It's a trick question.  Make them look it up for you.  You pay taxes so that you don't have to remember piddly little shit like the number of your election district.

• Poll workers are important people who make sure that polling places operate efficiently and properly. Unfortunately, most polling places are staffed with elderly people who find concepts like "alphabetical order" confusing.  You can help them by pointing to your name while they stare blankly at the book.  Try to say something encouraging to them, like, "I think that's my name right there, isn't it?" or maybe "Hurry up, Grandma.  We're not getting any younger, here."

• You'll be using those new scanning ballots, so voting's going to feel a lot like taking a standardized test.  If you did well on your SATs, you'll probably do just fine with voting.

• If the power is out, for some reason, like, "being on Staten Island" or something, you'll have to vote on an emergency paper ballot.  These ballots will take longer to count, which will give the Republicans an opportunity to petition the US Supreme Court to decide our elections for us.  So, keep your fingers crossed that everyone gets their power back before Tuesday.

• You may be asked to vote for judges, depending on what judicial district you're in.  This is important because it's your one chance to put people on the bench who might be inclined to keep you off a jury when you've got better things to do with your time.   But how do you know who to vote for?  It's not easy, because most of the candidates for judicial office didn't even bother to fucking submit a bio to the court system.  See, even the candidates for these judgeships know that their elections are bullshit. That's why some of them run as Democrats AND Republicans at the same time.  Well, I'm going to go out on a limb here and make an endorsement of Barry Kamins, because he cared enough to submit a bio, he's rated as "highly qualified" and plus, he looks like one of the judges on The Good Wife, which is a really great show.  So, let's all vote for him.  Unless we're not in that judicial district, in which case, you're on your own, FiPSters.

• You could just vote for all the Democrats, but if you're really a knee jerk, bleeding-heart, bedwetting liberal, think about whether you'd rather vote for those same exact people on the Working Families party.  You don't have to be working or have a family to support them.  They let unemployed single people vote for their candidates, too.  And they support things like education and green jobs and equal rights.  You live in Brooklyn, so you probably love shit like that.  So go vote for it!

• The deadline for a mail or faxed application for an absentee ballot was extended to TODAY. So if you're able to get downtown (specifically to 345 Adams Street, 4th Floor) between 9AM-10PM, you can actually vote an absentee ballot by submitting your application in person. But you have to have a reason to vote absentee--like that you're going to be sick on Tuesday, or because you plan to be in jail, but not in jail for a felony. Of course, his all begs the question of how someone will know in advance that they're going to be sick on Tuesday, or how someone who's ass is in the pokey can hand-deliver an absentee ballot application to the election office, but...well...that's how they're running this shitshow.

• If Mitt Romney wins, the first flight to Toronto out of NYC is a 6 a.m. departure from Newark.  Air Canada has a 6:20 departure from Newark, and a 6:30 departure scheduled from LaGuardia. I'd opt for one of the Newark flights, because LaGuardia's all fucked up after the hurricane, and let's face it--if you're gay or have a uterus or both, you probably don't have much time before Romney starts sending the boxcars.

Okay!  That's the scoop.  Now, go be a good little scout and participate in democracy!