Whassup: Non-Asshole April Fool's Edition

I toyed with the idea of putting a fake event on April 1, like an all-toddler happy hour or a hipster safari, but I'm not that much of an asshole/am lazy. So, please enjoy an entirely ingenuous April Fool's Day edition of Whassup. It's "real" fun, bitches!

* Friday, April 1: Schlock & Soul April Fools' Day blowout, Minor Arcana: I'll spare you the "don't get fooled" jokes. Just come celebrate this jokey day for assholes with some totally un-ironic rock at Prospect Heights' tarot-themed Minor Arcana (706 Washington Ave). NO COVER, 9 pm.

* Saturday, April 2: Spoons, Toons & Booze, Union Hall: Here's a chance to enjoy Saturday morning cartoons the way it always should have been: wasted at a bar. You get to vote for which animated superheroes or pantsless, talking animals to watch. Also, enjoy the pleasures of fake-fruit coloring before the health nuts outlaw them with a cold-ceral buffet. 2pm, $5.

* Saturday, April 2: Bitchin' 80's party, Bar Reis: Nothing says, "Fuck you, I'm not old!" like decade-themed parties, so tease out your bangs, misunderstand AIDS, fear Reagan and head to Bar Reis' new 80's dance party. 10pm-4am.

* Monday, April 4: MOTH StorySLAM, Southpaw: Literary badasses take heed--time for some grownup storytime. You best line the fuck up early for this this, 'cuz these things always fill up. 7:30pm, $8.

* Tuesday, April 5: Brooklyn <3 Japan, Bell House: If you're like us, images of that goddamned earthquake and tsunami still have residence in your brain. Do something about it at this BK benefit. Replace sad thoughts with happy smiles during performances by Eugene Mirman, DJ Baio of Vampire Weekend, and others. There'll be a silent auction with gift certificates from Union Hall, Prime Meats, Fonda and more local bizes, and items from Bravo's Watch What Happens Live!. You can also snag books signed by Stephen Colbert and Steve Martin. Look for a second event on the 15th. 7 pm, $15.

* Wednesday, April 13: SAYSO! (Sexual Assault Yearly Speak Out!): Some good-hearted folks make a stand about some bad shit. Come listen, represent an organization, perform, or volunteer. 3-7pm, Cadman Plaza, outside of Borough Hall.