TIME WARNER SUCKS: I WILL CUT A BITCH

Ok, its all fun-n-games, bitches...that is until my MOTHERFUCKING CABLE GOES OUT.

Yeah, our recent Thanksgiving weekend six day internet outage was not funny. Like not funny at all. But at least I have an iphone and the Teat Lounge as a backup option. But now you Time Warner stupid bitchdicks are crossing a line you really don't wanna be fucking with: me-n-my TV.

Your one saving grace is that this happened after last night's new Glee episode aired. Had you slut-tards fucked that one up I'd be protesting in the streets this morn with all of the OTHER PEOPLE ON THE PLANET WHO HATE YOUR ASSES MORE THAN HITLER.

I've checked both TV's, I've reset my Tivo...and we got nothing.

Listen to me now and listen to me hard, Time Warner: N. Park Slope, cable outage, fix that shit now. I do not want to call you up and speak to your angry, stupid, ill informed customer service "reps." I do not want to make an appointment for Feb 09ers (sorry, that's our first opening!), in order to have some pot-smoking in his van all day, doesn't know shit about coaxial cables dimwit come over and make up shit about why my TV ain't workin. I don't want to read this morn on Gothamist, that a little motherfucking rain from last night took down your entire Northeastern grid. I don't want to hear it.

I don't care what you do...just get this shit fixed and get it fixed FAST.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with a few more of my fave quotes from (surprise, surprise!) some more of your unhappy customers:

"Time Warner cable is SATAN!!!!"
--robnyc

"The most unreal thing comes AFTER the many hours of run-around on the phone when the Time Warner service guy actually comes to your house. Holy shit. These are the most incompetent, uneducated, ill-prepared and surly service people in all of New York City. Time Warner Cable may as well have picked up a homeless man on the street, gave him a uniform, name-tag and truck and sent him over to my place to fix the cable."
--Helicopter Dad

"Time Warner is such a piece of shit I cancelled it. I'd rather have no cable/internet than deal with them."
--Issy

And our personal fave...

"As a rule for life I don't go into a Time Warner store on Friday..depending on the time of day I might not be let out of jail till Monday morning."
--Patrice C

TIME WARNER SUX: 'I live in the slope & my internet is running slower than the (fingers crossed) Guns-N-Roses Reunion tour'

The above is just one of the insanely entertaining comments left on our Time Warner Sucks a Dick post from yesterday. I'm definitely not a psychic, but I sure as hell predicted that none of the Time Warner comments would be positive, and needless to say, you bitches did NOT disappoint.

True, after 5 days of lies, excuses, and disinterest, our internet service *has* been restored (as of yesterday), however, we will not let that deter us in our quest to bring to light all of the ongoing retardedness and poor customer service that Time Warner keeps pumping out to its universally unhappy, disloyal customer base.

Rest assured Time Warner: we still hate the shit out of you!

Here's a nice little roundup of some other haterade I was able to pull up with a simple "I hate Time Warner" google search:

• Why I Hate Time Warner Cable, Businessweek
• I Hate Time Warner Cable, Gearbits
• I Hate Time Warner Cable!!, Yelp
• I HATE YOU TIME WARNER, Los Angeles Metblogs
• I Hate Time Warner Cable, The Nightly Daily

Oh, but wait: it wouldn't be fair to post all this negative shit without doing a fair and balanced "I love Time Warner" google search, right??

HAAAA!

This is pretty much the only thing I could come up with: Gee, I love Time Warner Cable--a sarcastic rant about why this person HATES Time Warner cable.

Are you out there FIOS?? I'm waiting...

Time Warner Sucks A Dick: It's ON!

Ok, bitches: its time to stop being polite and start getting real.

All weekend long, our internet has been out. So that's like going on SIX DAYS now. It was Thanksgiving weekend, and my ass was stuck at home. There's only so much fucking leftovers and stuffing one can eat before feelin' the itch to watch Youtube videos about cats or download porn, know what I'm sayin? Unfortch, that was not an option.

Ok, so let's play: guess who our cable provider is!???

I'll give you 3 hints:

1. They suck a gigantic hairy dick.

2. They are universally hated by every man, woman and child in the NYC metropolitan area.

3. In an informal poll (i.e. non-stop bitching on Twitter), their customer service has been rated most "FUCKED UP, HORRIBLE, HORRENDOUS, RIDONKULOUS" out of all of corporate America.

Yep, you guessed it! TIME MOTHERFUCKING WARNER!

They're giving us some bullshit about an "outage" causing our issues in N. Park Slope, but outages last a few hours, people...NOT SIX DAYS.

So, in celebration of our (almost) week long internet outage, I'd like to initiate a week long celebration of all the many, many, many, many ways in which Time Warner sux!

• If you are a BK/NYC blogger, I encourage you to blog about your own shitty experiences with Time Warner and share with the world your feelings about why you hope all TW employees get the H1N1 virus (email your posts to me, people! I will link to them on my blog! effedinparkslope at gmail dot com).
• If you are on Twitter, use the hashtag #timewarnersux to share some juicy TW rants with us all (@effedparkslope in your Tweet and I will retweet!).
• Leave your comments below. And don't hold back, bitches...you are in a safe place here.

We're comin after you Time Warner...and its not gonna be pretty.

Fuck You, Time Warner. Right In Your Fucking Face

In the scrappy, fuck-the-man spirit of the Atlantic Center Target mission, I decided to use this blog to point yet another self-righteous, angry finger at another gigantic, ucaring corporation: Time motherfucking Warner.

Apparently, my little portion of Seventh Avenue in Park Slope is a black hole of unreliable internet service.

The receptionist at my office offered up the theory that mercury is in retrograde as a possible reason why I’m having consistent technology problems. And I was like really, can I have my mail now?

Click to read more ...

Is There ANYONE Out There, Anywhere On The Planet That Doesn't HATE Time Warner? Just Curious...

Dear Time Warner,

My cable modem stopped working yesterday morning. No outtages, no inclement weather. It just stopped working.

I was home sick, and as you can imagine, Dr. Phil and Intervention got real old real quick. My tivo queue kept me busy for a few hours with some Blush eps and CBS News Sunday Mornings, but after several hours, I needed my dub dub dub fix.

So, I called you....and that's pretty much when I decided that I wanted to kill myself.

Not "metaphorically" kill myself, I mean, take my own life kill myself. I don't mean to make light of such an, admittedly, gravely serious and unfortunate circumstances as the act of choosing to commit suicide, but after the experience of spending 60+ minutes on the phone with various customer service reps within your horrendous, poorly-run, Bob Saget Roast joke of an organization, [in that moment of utter, full-bodied frustration], suicide struck me as my only viable option.

Now, granted, perhaps my poor state of general health contributed to a reduced level of patience with your retarded and/or severely mentally handicapped staff, but I honestly don't think so. I called you yesterday with an open mind and an open heart...and within record time you left me feeling like I wanted to kick a puppy (or several).

After my epic-ly horrendous experience, I offer you a few suggestions you might want to consider moving forward, in order to prevent further suicidal tendencies from developing amongst your, likely, shrinking customer base:

1. Hire people who aren't brain dead.
2. Hire people who don't hate everyone who calls.
3. Offer those of us who are not TOTALLY FUCKING STUPID an option that will allow us to bypass all of the TOTALLY FUCKING STUPID trouble shooting methods you need to employ with 80 year old grandmas who don't understand the concept that AOL is not the world wide web and/or that plugging your motherfucking cable modem is a pre-requisite to it working. Maybe something like this: "how is your wireless network set up?" If you receive a cogent answer to this question, you can establish that: the customer knows what a wireless network is; likely knows how to set one up; does not need to be asked eleven different ways if their motherfucking cable modem is plugged in and/or if they have tried restarting their computer.
4. Go fuck yourselves right in your fucking faces.

Let me say this: FIOS, if you are out there, I am waiting, cable box in hand to welcome you into the warm bossum of our cable ready household. I don't care if you cost more money...or make me sign a contract. I don't care if you offer 3 major networks instead of 4. HB-Ho instead of HBO: no problemo. I don't care if the majority of my programming will be delivered to my flatscreen in Spanish. I will learn Spanish. If it means that I can once and for all, be done with the blood sucking, moronic, bad-attitude douchetards at Time Warner, I will pay any price and make any sacrifice. Call me.

Sincerely,
me