FIPS First Annual Bad Breeder Contest

I've had my moments in the annals of crappy parenting. Yes, I've taught my kids to curse like little navvies. I didn't correct kid two when she used to think dump truck was pronounced dumb fuck. I'm a yeller. I like to nap even when my kids don't want to. I consider inconsistency kind of under-rated. I make my husband do all the bedtime stories. 

But I draw the line at smoking a bong while driving my kids around. A recent Park Slope Parents post emailed anonymously to FIPS headquarters (me having been permanently banned!) related the alarming daytripping of a stoner Park Slope daddy as reported by his wife.

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Who You Calling An Edgy Mom?

So, one of the side effects of my permanent banishment from Park Slope Parents is that I've been invited to join another club. I am now, God help me, an "edgy mom." Yes, the Park Slope doyenne of edginess, Louise “OTBKB” Crawford (aka smart mom/crazy lady) sent me a personal invitation. And no, it wasn't in the third person.

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BREEDER v. BREEDER: PARK SLOPE PARENTS PULL THE PLUG

Well, it's official folks: Allison is now a ginuwine BR-ALLER.

She joins an elite group of BREEDERS who somehow managed to avoid becoming totallyfuckingannoying zombie parents by holding on to some modicum of their former fun/cool lives, and/or maintained the ability to express original, non-helicopter parental thoughts from time to time (BR-ALLER-n. a BREEDER who's proven themselves to be cool enough that, despite their tendencies to procreate, can still maintain the basic principles of a BALLER attitude and lifestyle).

Cause, really, what's cooler than having your Park Slope Parents membership RE-FUCKING-VOKED after you've "violated their joining agreement!?" (A: not much). Behold:

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BREAKING: BREEDER v. BREEDER??? [Censorship on Park Slope Parents]

I didn’t start last week with “incite breeder culture war” on the top of my to-do list. I’m a peace-loving proponent of coexistence, goddammit. I am a "live and let live" kind of gal (well, in theory...most of the time). But when I run into something that is simply so INDEFUCKINGFENSIBLE, I get well and truly up in arms, which I now officially am.

So, you BREEDERS want a war???
 
Well, okay then.

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OFFICIAL FIPS ENDORSEMENT: THE DOUBLE WINDSOR

photo: Sam Horine

ATTN BALLERS: I'd like to suggest that you stop whatever you are doing right now (put down your bong; step away from the internet porn; and just say no to your new Craigslist missed connection "friend"...at least for a few mins) and head straight on over to Double Windsor!

We'd like to suggest that you go patronize the Double Windsor...HARD.

Buy drinks! Buy food! (do they even sell food!? Yes! After 5pm! Who cares?...just buy it!). Scrub graffiti off their bathroom stalls! SHOW RESPECT TO DOUBLE WINDSOR. DOUBLE WINDSOR IS OUR HERO!

Here's why. Behold this post from Park Slope Parents:

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