Lessons In Park Slope Douchery

click to enlargeWaaaaay back when, before any of you bitches had probably ever even heard of FIPS, we featured the work of Pete Johnson. In case you've never seen it, the dude rules your face...HARD.

Recently, everyone on the interwebz discovered his clever "Douche series" again, and lo and behold: he's got a Park Slope douche! This Park Slope douche has two kids, Phinneas & Calliope and and Phinneas wants to be an Acai Berry Afficianado OR an AIDS quilter when he grows up! They have a Jamaican nanny (LAME: everyone knows its alll about the Tibeten nannies now) and he drives a Prius.

This shit might be the best thing I've ever seen in my life.

(via Gothamist and everyone else who wrote in about this shit).

I DO NOT 'LIKE' YOUR BLOG!

Happy Holiday weekend everyone! This has gotz to be my, hands down, favorite submission I have ever received at FIPS HQ. Behold the best email of all friggin time

Squarespace Services  to me

show details 2:19 PM (1 minute ago)

This email was transmitted via www.fuckedinparkslope.com.

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Your Name: xxxxxx Mxxxxxx
Your Email:
Subject: Remove my name from your site

Message: I have been told that my name is listed as someone who "likes" this website. It must be an error and I would like it removed.

I do not want to be associated with people who think that using language like that on a social chat site is okay - guess you don't know how easy it is for children of all ages to get onto the site and then think that adults think it's okay to use language that is not used at home but can be used for everyone to see.

It's sad that you all think this is permissable but I think you don't have an intelligent vocabulary.

Remove my name please - immediately.

Thank you.

WOW, WOW, WOW, OH WOOOOOOW.

Ok, let's break this shit down:

• What in the MOTHER FUCK is a "social chat site?" Cause whatever the fuck a social chat site is, FIPS ain't one of em. Nobody "chats" around here...its pretty much all yelling, all the time.
• I say fuck both at home AND not at home. Do you only say it when you're not at home? So for ex. it's ok to say fuck at the grocery store, but not when you're watching an ep of The Hills?? Cause that shit is BANANAS.
• Who is "telling you" that your "name is listed as someone who likes" our site? Was it a voice in your head? I'm guessing you're getting an eensy weensy bit confused with THE INTERNET and FACEBOOK. Facebook is a place you go to like or not like all sorts of things, and FIPS is a place you to go to NOT like everything. Get it?

Please come back and read this post and comment, oh crazy wo/man. It would make me oh so happy!

Recommendation For A Good Massage Place In The Slope?

Uhm, am I the only one who thinks this shit is all code for: where can I get a happy ending?

From Brooklynian:

"I’m looking for a good massage place in the Park Slope area where the massage therapist speaks good English. I just want to be able to talk for five minutes about the specifics of my problems before beginning the massage."

Riiiiiiiiight.

What's Worse: The Pavillion Movie Theater or Nazis?

When New York Magazine declared Park Slope the best place to live in New York, I'm pretty sure it wasn't for our movie theater. Because The Pavilion is the worst piece of shit move theater I've ever been to in my life. 

I know I'm not the first to complain about this crap box. Back in November, there was a big uproar about a phantom bedbug problem over on the brooklynian message boards, which was later determined to be untrue (we covered it here and here). A few summers back, the air conditioning stopped working during a july heat wave (and the summer blockbuster weekend opening of The Dark Knight). And that's just the tip of it. Have you ever met someone in Park Slope who says, "you should totally check out The Pavilion - it's a great theater"?

I highly doubt it.

Click to read more ...

Who Gives A Shit: Catholic School Girls?

I'm sorry but it must be asked. What has happened to catholic school girls? 'Cause it can't be just me that thinks these iconic creatures (stuff of men's—and womyn's—fertile fantasies for generations) are not quite living up to their reputation. At least not in Park Slope, anyway.

And, yes, I'm heartless. I'm a bitch. I hate Catholics. I hate fat asses, my own most of all. I hate womanhood. I'm a hater. And mean too.

So, now that we've gotten that off our chests, have you gotten a load of catholic school girls lately?