'I Am A Gay American Basset Hound'

Please note: this post has been dictated entirely by Oliver's Animal Communicator. However, all thoughts, opinions and points-of-view are his and his alone.

I know that my mom Erica has written about me many time on this blog before (and also on Twitter). Truth be told, I kind of like it.

I've met some of you around the neighborhood and I'm always really flattered when one of you FIPS readers recognizes me.

In fact, I feel like you have all really embraced me as a community, and that's why I felt it was time I was truly honest with you. And that means telling the truth and telling the WHOLE TRUTH.

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Dog Muggings: AYFKMWTS??

(this is not Lexie)

If you think this friggin recession is over, think again ppl. I mean, how can the recession POSSIBLY be over when shit like this is goin down (FYI, Lexie is a little Westie who lives up the street from us and is buds with Oliver; his mom sent along this note):

"I ran out of milk Sat night at 6.30pm so bundled Lexie up in his little green coat and walked down to Union & 7th to get some milk from Ace Supermarket. I tied lexie to the door (where I could see him through the glass) and grabbed the milk. As anyone who's been in Ace knows, the milk is located right inside the door, so I only had my back turned on Lexie for 10 seconds or so ( I know, I know: people will shout at me for leaving him alone outside and I  never normally do, but I needed some milk!). I was back outside within less than a minute, and when I came out someone had STOLEN THE GREEN COAT off of lexe's back!?.

WHAT. THE. FUCK??? I mean, who does that? 

I thank god the dog coat thief didn't steal Lexie, but I never expected my friggin dog to get mugged!

Lexie is OK post traumatic incident, but I swear to God: if I see someone with a dog in Lexie's green coat you better run in the opposite direction!!"

Ok, see!? How in the fuck can the recession be over if people have now taken to stealing motherfucking dog coats right off of your dog's motherfucking back!?

Un. Be. Lievable.

Cool or Not Cool: Debarking Your Dog?

This NYT story yesterday about getting your dog surgically debarked (having their vocal chords severed) was E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E. And, mostly, people seemed pretty outraged.

Unsurprisingly, I too think its retarded and horrible.

And I speak as someone who has seen both sides of it. In fact, Oliver has a major barking problem. But here's the thing: its not just a "barking problem"...its tied in with the fact that he has separation anxiety and is a widdle biddy baby who doesn't like to be left alone. Shut your traps though...he's MY widdle biddy baby, and its actually a really big deal for him. And the way this manifests itself in our case, is that he barks. And barks, and barks and barks.

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THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL, DR. MOREHEAD KICKED A DOG

Like ZERO possibility. I would stake my life on it.

I got a google alert about this bullshit yesterday, and I've been mulling it over because I just find it so hard to believe. Basically, Gothamist pub'd a story about a bereaved dog owner who is claiming that Dr. Morehead (who now works at Animal Kind, but was working at the ASPCA at the time of this alleged incident) was seen "kicking and punching" his Rotweiler before it died...and now the guy is suing and saying that there was some elaborate ASPCA coverup.

Here's the thing: I know nothing about this story, this Rotweiler dude, or anything else about the details (though, my guess is that there are some MAJOR extenuating circumstances here that this bereaved dude is leaving out for the purposes of his big fat lawsuit). Right now, he's making it seem like his Rotweiler was just sitting there, minding his own business, when Dr. Morehead walked by and decided to punch him and kick him for funzies.

I don't buy it.

Here's what I *do* know: Dr. Morehead is the most caring, attentive, conscientious vet that we have ever been to (and we've been going to him for about four years now, several times a year). In fact, we love him so much, we won't let Oliver see any other vet at Animal Kind.

I mean, if you spend 4 seconds with the dude, you will be overwhelmed by his obvious love for animals and commitment to for caring for them. After seeing 6 different vets (over a period of a year and half) to try to figure out what the fuck Oliver's red, itchy "rash" was on his skin, Dr. Morehead was the first one to finally suggest to us that it was seasonal allergies (and hooked us up with an amazing veterinary dermatologist). On each visit he remembers details about Oliver's health and even his little quirks. He's taken the time to get to know us, and he never rushes through the barrage of (sometimes) inane questions we have. He's goofy and sweet and totally awesome, and despite the fact he sticks thermometers up Oliver's ass, even HE loves him.

Seriously, Leona Helmsley would have kicked a dog sooner than Dr. Moorehead (and that bitch left $12 MILLION DOLLARS to her maltese).

My heart goes out to anyone who's had to deal with the loss of their pet, truly. But I can't help but think this "bereaved" dude is going public now because he's suing and wants a big ass settlement.

I think this story is complete and total bullshit. Period.

UPDATE: Animal Kind's Medical Director Dr. Mark Gibson left the following comment on Brooklynian:
Dr. Morehead has worked here for about 3 years. He has demonstrated himself to be an exemplary and excellent veterinarian. He has never abused a patient. He has proven to be an animal lover through his behavior shown by the love of his own pets, his patients and their owners that call on him for veterinary care. The allegations of his causing a dog's death which were printed in the Daily News are false.  The dog -- who was aggressive toward Dr. Morehead -- died of the illness he had when he arrived at the ASPCA.  In our opinion, the story as printed is nothing more than an attempt to sensationalize a story to sell newspapers and to persuade the ASPCA into settling a lawsuit in favor of the plaintiff and lawyer representing him. We look forward to the day when he will be proven innocent, clear his name and reclaim his reputation.

Mark Gibson DVM,
Medical Director
and co-workers:
Rachel Black DVM
Laurel Frydenborg VMD
Elaine Kosik DVM
Karen Mateyak DVM
Pratikshya Patil DVM
Marcela Salas VMD
Helen Spiegel DVM
Rebecca Stronger DVM
Jodi Weiser DVM
Michelle Werner DVM

(via Gothamist; and here's some more discussion on Brooklynian)

I'm Less Of An Asshole...Because of My Dog

As you've all probably noticed by now, my maternal instincts are non-existent.

I don't feel a twitch in my uterus when a particularly cute bebe zooms by me in a bugaboo; I feel no need to tilt my head, crinkle my eyes, and exclaim "AWWWW" everytime a DILF approaches me on the street; and though I can certainly tell the difference between an ugly ass baby and a cute baby, my heart is not melted by either. Baby showers annoy the living shit out of me, apartments with babies living in em literally make me cringe (all those toys-n-crap EVERYWHERE), and I swear, I would rather sit next to a 400 pound fat dude with no deoderant on and a flatulance problem on a plane than have to tough it out on a flight next to a baby.

I don't know wtf is wrong with me, but those are the facts.

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