Holiday Gift FIPStravaganza: Day Four [Brooklyn Snobs-n-Weepy Lifetime Channel Movie Addicts]

This is our week-long dive head first into the trenches of holiday gift shopping, Park Slope style. Buy local, bitches! Unless, of course, you enjoy walking past empty storefronts every ten feet. In today's edition we cover BK snobs and sensitive cry babies.

For the Brooklyn Snob:

I’m a Brooklyn snob.  Even if the F train was permanently shutdown every weekend from now until forever, I still probably wouldn’t leave Brooklyn.  Despite my douchey, hypercritical posts about ridiculous crap that goes down around here that drives me i-n-s-a-n-e, this is a really great neighborhood—why would you ever want to leave?  As Sean Carter once said, Brooklyn, we go hard.  Fuck those other boroughs!  Help your friends celebrate their seething, angry Brooklyn pride with the following bk-lovin gifts:

Your friends can deck the halls of their apartment with Brooklyn-specific prints from Brooklyn Frameworks (142 5^th Ave. between Sackett and DeGraw Sts).  This one, from Ork Designs (see above) is available in several different colors and will run you around $30 for the print. Contact the store directly for pricing on framing. 

At Chairman Gift & Home (162 7^th Ave. between 1^st St. and Garfield), they’ve got sets of Italian marble coasters for $48 that feature either a map of Brooklyn or an old painting of the Brooklyn Bridge.  Think of all of the drinks you could set on that luxurious, luxurious marble!  Unfortunately for me, I can’t think of Italian Marble without thinking of that SNL skit (“Look at dese mahhhhble cohlums.  Who lives here?  Da Pope?”).

Of course, no one does better Brooklyn-inspired t-shirts than Brooklyn Industries (206 5th Ave. at Union St. or 328 7th Ave. at 9^th St.).  Here’s four of our favorites—running $34-36.    

At Bierkraft, you can pick up an awesome selection of Brooklyn microbrews (many of which were brewed by *actual* hipsters), prices vary. While you're there, you should also get one of their amazing sandwiches, because it will rule your face and calm your nerves over the fact that you just spent $20 on delicious beer that you might not get to drink (ed note: and also get one of those RIDICULOUS artisinal ice cream sandwiches...they are life changing).

Oh and wait! Another awesome BK gift is this rad, hand stitched, coupon book that the Brooklyn Based team put together. This one is chock full of amazing deals at Brooklyn faves such as The Bell House, Brooklyn Boulders, Doggie Academy and more. And this puppy is available for purchase at Lion in the Sun, Spacecraft, Brooklyn Kitchen Labs and online!

For the Lifetime movie channel watching overly sentimental crybaby in your life:

When she’s (sorry, ladies, if we’re talking “overly sentimental,” we’re obviously talking about X chromosomes), not hanging up various incarnations of that fucking stupid “LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE” bullshit all over her apartment, she’s sitting in front of the TV, crying at a Campbell’s soup commercial or a Lifetime movie of the week.  One day, she will make a great mom, because she will hold onto every stupid drawing her kid makes (unlike my mother, who threw everything I ever did away because she didn’t want “clutter”).  But until she gets knocked up, she’s just Sharon, your friend who you can’t take to the movies because she disturbs everyone around her with her loud, gulping, inappropriate sobs (and that’s at a comedy!).

Instead of buying her a box of tissues, or that surgery that you can apparently get that removes your tear ducts, give her one of these gems to start the waterworks. 

Over at Lumiere (238 7^th Ave. between 4^th and 5^th Sts) you can pick up some schmaltzy bracelets from Cynthia H Designs.  When we were in the store, they bracelets with two sayings: “Live in the moment” and “Celebrate life” for $44.95.

When you’re done, head down the block to Lion in the Sun (232 7^th Ave. at 4^th St) and pick up some Vera Wang stationery.  Sappy people love handwritten cards because they’re more personal than a douchey email or Facebook message.  To be fair, I prefer handwritten cards too, so these ones aren’t too ridiculous, and for $25, they’re not that expensive (and it’s Vera!).  There’s an elephant on it and printed underneath is, “I’ll never forget that you remembered.”  

How cute.  Of course, I’d prefer them if they said this instead, but then again, I’m not overly sentimental.

At Diana Kane (229 5th Ave, btwn President & Carroll), I had the great privilege of learning what the fuck a pareo is (this one is awesome because your friend can use it as a sarong, a scarf, OR just a really big tissue if that Nancy McKeon movie about that wife whose husband beat her comes on again). It's made with some beautiful Indian fabric, and its $64.

To make your friend’s tears last longer than anyone is comfortable with, head over to Chairman Gift & Home (162 7^th Ave. between 1^st St. and Garfield) and pick up one of these rocks/paper weights/ironic murder weapon.  Can you imagine beating someone to death with a big rock that says “Good luck” or “Live, Laugh, Love?”  But wait, this is a gift for your sentimental friend–no murdering involved here.  For $13-$18, your friend has the perfect decoration to put next to her koi pond.  How serene.