Frothy Brown Santorum Now Being Served in Glasses at Pacific Standard

Photo by Bryan Bruchman / The Brooklyn Paper

If you've been on The Google Machine lately, you might be aware that lots of people are talking about Santorum surging from behind in places like Ohio and Tennessee. But now, you can get a frothy glass full of Santorum at Brooklyn's own Pacific Standard, too.

Confused?  We're here to help!

Santorum has, heretofore, had two meanings:

1. The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex; and

2. Republican Presidential candidate and former US Senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum.

Now, however, there's a third meaning, because Pacific Standard has whipped up a frothy brown cocktail that's meant to evoke (at least visually) the thick, dark, fetid, sludgy concoction of Astroglide and shit. 

We've all come full circle, really.  Think about it this way:

Santorum means a mixture of shit and lubricant. When Rick Santorum opines on subjects like women and gay people, shit comes out of his mouth easily -- almost as though it was lubed-up! And when I hear that shit, particularly as it relates to things like birth control and the validity of  my marriage, it makes me want to drink. A lot.

So, kudos to Pacific Standard for coming up with a drink that sounds every bit as delicious as the the other two kinds of Santorum are vile.

Before we leave you, let's take a quick quiz, to see if you can keep the three different kinds of santorum differentiated, in your mind.  Of the three definitions of santorum, which are we talking about in each of these situations.  The answers are:

A.  Frothy lube and shit mixture.

B.  Repellent Politician

C.  Delicious Brown Chocolatey Cocktail

The questions:

1. Your wife says, "Never again are we inviting Steve and Bill up to the lake house. They used our beach towels to wipe up the Santorum they spilled on the deck."  To which is she referring?

2. This Santorum said that contraception, is "not okay. It's a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be."

3. It smells as good as it tastes.

4. This type of Santorum does not believe in Evolution.

5. After making sweet love to your spouse (in the ass, that is), you notice something on the sheets.  It's probably this kind of Santorum.

6. Santorum of this type is best when it's been shaken with ice and then strained into a martini glass.

Answers:  1. A and C are both correct; 2. B; 3. C, unless your sex partner is a vegan, and you use flavored and scented lube, in which case, possibly A, as well; 4. All of the above (cocktails, poo and lubricant are not sentient, remember?  Neither is Rick Santorum, as far as I can tell); 5. A, unless you were drinking in bed, earlier; 6.  C (did you really say A? What the fuck is wrong with you?!?).

How'd you do on the quiz, everybody?  Let us know in the comments!