WHO GIVES A SHIT: WHAT DO YOU GET ON YOUR BAGEL?

image via BWOG: The "Sunday late night": a bagel with 3 scoops of ice cream, 4 cookies, 2 brownies, Nutella, peanut butter, chocolate sauce and Apple Jacks. Yum.

So, sometimes I get an idea for a post and then I email all the other FIPS writers to see they have to say about the subject. Case in point: Recently I took a trip to Israel, and when I got back my sleeping patterns were all fucked up. So for about a week after my return, I would get up at 6am every day, and would then promptly walk over to Bagel Market (which is kind of the only thing open at 6am around these parts). 

After spending so much extra time at Bagel Marche, I started to inadvertently become fascinated with the combos of bagels-n-toppings people ordered--I had no idea you people were so kinky like that.

In fact this entire post was inspired by two insane acts of of bagel/toppings rape I witnessed over that period of time: 

• One day a dude came in and ordered: a blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese and FRESH LOX. Obviously, as soon as I heard those words leave his mouth, my gag reflex was engaged, and I had to grab onto the counter for stability as the waves of nausea rolled through my body.
• On another morn, some chick ordered: a toasted plain bagel with, butter, honey and bacon. I'm both equally disgusted and fascinated by this combo, but certainly think this chick deserves extra points for creativity. 

Ok, so the question is: what kind of bagel do you get, where do you get it, and what do you get on top?

That's part A.

Part B is the hilarious back and forth that took place amongst the FIPS writers as this topic was being discussed (If you don't give a shit about this sort of thing, skip down to the comments).

From: me 
To: All FIPS writers
Subject: Who gives a shit: what do you get on your bagels?

i.e. what's your regular and/or latest bagel goto? Going to try to include answers from you btchz to get the party started.

Gracias 

From: Bitchy Mom

Hey! The other day I was at starbucks and the lady infront of me ordered an "Egg, Cheese and Bacon bagel "without the Egg and Cheese" soooo.... just bacon on a bagel. It was horrifying, but also revolutionary.

From: Jessica

Mmm bagels. I do an everything bagel, toasted with one scrambled egg and a slice or two of tomato. Before I was lactose intolerant, it was plain bagel, toasted with cream cheese and bacon...so...good.

From: Kerri

When my best friend was preggers she came to visit me in BK. We went to La Bagel delight for breakfast one morning and she ordered a salt bagel slathered with cream cheese AND butter. If she'd added bacon I'm sure they would have nicknamed it "The Coronary." 

My go-to is an everything bagel, toasted, with cream cheese and tomato. 

From: Benjamin Leo

Hey fuck-o's
This made me so hungry that I have to reply all. I'm like sexting you in a food porn beat-off thread.
Here's how I do:

1. TOASTED MINI everything bagel with cream cheese some of which I
wipe off so that the ratios are perfect. This is why I don't like
playboy girls or girls with breast implants: I want it BASIC and
natural and real and bagel next doorish not some fuckin botox
sun-dried tomato and watercress.

2. NB: ON A WEEKEND, I WILL take two mini poppy bagels, toast them,
and do the following on each half:

 i. cream cheese and a slice of jarlsberg
 ii. whitefish salad
 iii. herring in cream sauce (FUCK YOU don't judge you anti-semites)
 iv. cream cheese, THIN slice of onion and nova.

oy gavalt I'm gonna squirt
love you bye

Also, Bagel Market all the way, La Bagel Delight is dead to me because
they got arrogant like Google.

From: ninedaves

I despise the reply all, but I refuse to let La Bagel's name be tarnished like this. You hear that Benjamin? I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!

You North Slopers hate La Bagel because the North Slope La Bagel sucks ass. I get that. But us South Slopers know the La Bagel on 7th Ave between 7th and 8th is the shit. They even have a window where you can watch the bagels get made, car wash-style. That's money.

Egg, Cheese, Ketchup, and Sweet Onion Potato Chips on a Toasted Sesame, thank you very much.

From: Meredith

DAVE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. Except for his bagel combo, which sounds La Gross.

Whole wheat everything with veggie tofu is where it's at for the short bus (vegan/lactose intolerance) kids.

And while I can't recall any particularly egregious bagel combos, a while ago I took a taste of La Bagel's apple cinnamon cream cheese...which is exactly the same as putting frosting on your bagel.

From: Chinae

I'm boring as shit and don't eat carbs. And bagels happen to be the carbohydrate mothership. BUT back in 2010 when I last ate a bagel, I would totally get an everything with light veggie CC and sometimes an egg thrown on for good measure.

In related news, I miss 2010.

From: Meredith

Oh, yes, I should mention that my bagel order is scooped-out because I work in fashion and the insides alone are about three months of carbs for me. And yes, I am embarrassed as a native New Yorker to order a scooped-out bagel

From: me

I think I've decided that this entire thread needs to pretty much just be cut and pasted as is into a post...

From: Jessica

Flagel!

From: J. Charles

i'm a whore when it comes to bagelry. i've been known to go anywhere and the shit i've eaten at bageltique at 3:45AM from 2004-2006) would make Kendra Krincklesac blush.
now i am partial to a sausage egg and cheese on a multi-grain from bagel market. and yes sometimes i drive there for it. WHAT?

From: Kim

Pumpernickel bagel with dill cream cheese from Brownstone. It tastes like this:

From: Amanda

I HATE ALL OF YOU

From: Roshow

I just gave up carbs last week so this thread is killing me!  :)  Off to cut a piece of tofu into a bagel shape and top it with cream cheese and lox.

From: Thomas

I did not hit reply to all when I responded initially, because I actually thought that we were all pretty cool with each other.  Now that I know that we're all a bunch of assholes, I'm revising my approach and piling onto this shit-show of an e-mail chain.   

This is what I sent to Erica, earlier today.

Salt bagel with low-fat cream cheese and sliced red onion was my go-to option until my doctor nicknamed me "Captain Bloodpressure."  So, now that salt bagels are off limits, I'm afraid I've had to join the ranks of those awful people who eat whole wheat bagels.   One of these weekends, though, I'm going to take a double dose of beta blockers to see if I can eat a salt bagel without having a stroke.

Wish me luck on that.

I should add, as well, that the only thing worse than a whole wheat bagel is an oat bran bagel. Anyone who uses bagels to increase the weight and softness of their stool is someone who should be beaten senseless with a metal bat.

Stay lovely,
t

From: Meredith

Hit me with your best shot, Thomas.

From: Thomas

You're kidding, right? A scooped out oat bran bagel? Were you raised by wolves?

I'm responding to this from wi-fi aboard an airplane. Thank God there are barf bags nearby.

From: Meredith

My dad's from the Jewish projects in Flushing, so, basically yes.

From: Parowpyro

cinnamon raisin bagel, toasted with lox, peanut butter, capers, bacon & alfalfa sprouts!

oh wait...i meant to say "whole wheat everything bagel with whitefish salad."

From: Mike

Something I like to call the "Reverse Double Down": An everything bagel with a cinnamon raison bagel inside, sprinkled with sesame-seed bagel crumbs on top. 'CUZ WHEN I COUNT CARBS, HIGH SCORE WINS!!

jk, I'm boring compared to y'all: cinnamon-raisin with plain cc in the morning, plain with veggie cream cheese in the afternoon.

From: Vee

How Dunkin Donuts hasn't a Reverse Double Down as of yet is mind boggling. Trademark that shit.

I get my pumpernickle bagels from the Bagel Hole. Lox cream cheese, tomato and cucumber slices. I only ask for them scooped if there isn't a ridiculously long line behind me.

etc, etc.

Anyhoo: what do you ppls get on your bagels?