BREEDER v. BALLER: Baby Names

IMAGE VIA DANIELLENICOLESMITH ON FLICKR

Each week Once in a blue moon, we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched. This week: Baby Names!

News broke this week that "Brooklyn" was the 34th most popular name for girls in this country (you've got to be fucking kidding me) and even the NY Times go in on the action by researching which other boroughs have spawned popular baby names (uh...none. Although Bronx made a respectable showing). And of course, Mariah Carey finally let loose with the names of her twinsies: Monroe (eh) and Moroccan (BEYOND HORRIBLE).

BABY NAMES!

As every person who has ever gotten themselves knocked up knows, there are fewer issues that spark more commentary, bickering and controversy than what you decide to eventually name your kid. At least that's what all my BREEDER friends tell me. In fact, I'm convinced that that's 50% of the reason that everyone and their brother is following the trend of not finding out if their bebe is a boy or a girl these days...that way they can easily sidestep the name ish (the other 50%?: YOU ARE SOOOO COOL IF YOU JUST DON'T CARE).

Anyway.

As you can imagine, Park Slope is pretty much ground zero for every possible annoying/pretentious/gag-inducing baby name to hit the scene in recent decades. So, we thought it would be a fun experiment (READ: comment explosion inducing) to analyze some typical hot/hipster baby names from both a BREEDER'S and a BALLER'S perspective. So we're each gonna play that game of "tell me the first thing that pops into your mind" when we see the baby's name and compare notes. Ready? GO.

*NOTE: Many of these names come from the actual P.S. 321 roster. Yep, we fucking went there, ppl.

BALLER:

Ok, true confessions: If I ever had a baby (which I never ever ever will), the kid would likely have a pretentious, gag-inducing name like one of those listed below. You would hear my kid's name and then you would vom a little in your mouth. I would know that you were vomming, but I'm such a pretentious douchebag, I would think it's worth it. I need to read: 10 Ways To Avoid Hipster Baby Names.

Just wanted you to know where I was coming from here.

Poppy - slut...she will one day have dreads and will go to either Oberlin or Reed College.
Asher - future date-rape frat boy.
Beckett - Boy or girl? Girl = cool, as long as no one ever calls her "becks"; boy = lacrosse player...will probs get arrested for a DUI.
Lionel - HELLO...is it me you're looking for??
Oliver - obvs, best name on the planet. Smart, funny, will totes bang lots of hot chicks.
Miles - future DILF (also see: MILO)
Linus - le gag.
Olive - HATE IT. Love Oliver, hate Olive. This bitch will be trouble.
Milo - see Miles.
Harper for a girl - future documentary filmmaker...pot smoker. Probably a lesbian.
Eliot for a girl - Love it...Ellie for short. This kid will speak 3 languages, and do yoga. Will probably also be hot...and def annoying. But her hottness will distract you.
Daisy - sounds like a fucking name Drew Barrymore would give her kid.
Maisie - slightly better than daisy, but not by much. Drew would totally dig this one too.
Sam - Classic...like it for a boy or a girl.
September - hey Brittany, Ashley and Jayden! Watch out! September is comin for ya!
Sadie - Fucking adorable...up until the age of 65.
Addison - Grey's Anatomy
Maddie - Cute, but if it's spelled with a "y" it's horrible. Also, I like Madeleine better.
Scarlett - Jaysus. Just no.
Ruby - I think it's super cute...I would call her rube. Also, this chick will DEF smoke pot.
Kiernan - as in Pat? Weird slash super annoying. This kid is a douchebag and so are his parents.
Sophie - Sophie is the new Jennifer of this era. I like it, but it's so overdone at this point, it may as well be Brittany.
Oscar - Oscar is the new Oliver. Kind of wasp-y, but I still dig it quite hard.
Ava - BORRRRRING.
Ethan - I like boy's name that begin with E...so I dig. Eli is my fave though, and it didn't even make this fucking list!
Anna - Do people even still name their kids anna? Put some thought into this shit, guyz! Annie is ok, but Anna is like you're not even trying.
Angus - WHERE'S THE BEEF!? Is Bareburger open yet?
Quinn - This is a girl who will get pregnant by sitting next to her boyfriend in a hot tub...oh wait, that was an ep of Glee.
Clementine - Oh wait, Drew Barrymore would totally love THIS name best (also: I just threw up in my mouth).
Grace - Christian, Christ, Jesus on the cross. Let's get Christian-y!
Rowan - Annoying, pretentious and more annoying, though isn't this a common Scottish name? Unless you're Scottish, just say no.
Ezra - see Ethan and Eli...I like any "E" boy name. Also, JEW, JEW, JEW, JEW!
Emily - See Anna.
Jack - The male version of Sophie. I like it, but it's hella overdone at this point. Cute for a girl, though.
Henry - Love it...Harry too. Both will be good writers and have astigmatisms.
Wyatt - you live in fucking Brooklyn...your son is not a cowboy.
Jackson - Again, reminds of white, Christian people who live in the South...if that's what you're going for, you win.

IMAGE VIA ACHIM LIPPOTH FOR 77KIDS

BREEDER:

As somebody who has ALREADY inadvertently given my kid a pretentious, gag-inducing name like one of those listed below, this baby-naming shit is hard. It’s a lot of pressure, I tell you. Names ARE like brands and we’re stuck with them in perpetuity.

We went unisex classic (we thought) with kid deux, a girl. When informed of our name choice, my brother said it was like naming a girl Jack. And this from a guy who named his daughter FELICITAS!!!!

There was a cute little kid from far, far away in a recent kindergarten class whose name was Fines, which I guess is a great and noble name in his country. But the first thing my son remarks when I ask my daughter why she doesn’t want to play with Fines? “You mean aside from the fact that his name rhymes with penis?” And so it goes. The girl on thin ice herself name-wise couldn’t stop laughing for a full half hour and could never say poor Fines’ name with a straight face again.

My whole Park Slope Parents kerfuffle centered around my calling a kid’s name “borderline child abuse” in response to the shit I was getting from little THOR’s hectoring attachment mommy. And I never even said the name. For the record, I stand by my initial critique.

I feel bad, but if I can save the world for the next Scotty McPotty, here goes...

Poppy - I think it's kind of sweet. For a 5-year-old. But what about when you're 50? Buyer's remorse.
Asher - I would have been fine with it if that hideous Pregnant in Heels name branding couple hadn't ruined it forever. 
Beckett - Never cool. Ever. Girl or boy, it's fucking pretentious beyond belief.
Lionel - I'm thinking more Trilling than Richie but still: bad, bad, bad. I'm imagining a kid forced to wear an ascot to school.
Oliver - Cool kid; nice to everybody; chick magnet.
Miles - Future DILF, my ass! Wasp-Jew, poser, and future fucking annoying resident of godawful Brooklyn neighborhood.
Linus - Blankies forever. This kid's life will be worth nothing, even in PC Park Slope. 
Olive - LOVE IT. This bitch will be trouble in the best of possible ways. Totally cool.
Milo - better than Miles by a mile. Okay by me.
Harper for a girl - Cool. Writes poetry in high school and goes to Wesleyan. Marries guy named Milo and has a great, creative career.
Aidan for a girl - Like it when pared with a girlie middle name like Rose. Picturing a cool, indy, tom-boyish girl who gets all the boys and goes on to be a photojournalist or some exotic shit like that.
Eliot for a girl - Love it too. My old editor's granddaughter is named Eliot Jane and I already know her life will go well. 
Daisy - See Poppy. 
Maisie - See Daisy but I agree, it's marginally better.
Sam - Classic and cool. Makes me think of Sam Shepard: smart and sexy, perhaps a drinking problem though.
September - Unforgivable. And what's the nickname? Septie? Essie? Ember?
Sadie - Sassy smart-ass. The annoying girl.
Addison - Ughh. Indefensible. Kid's mother will surely try to get her into child modeling. 
Maddie - Short for Madeline? I like it okay but only if it's a nickname. I hate nicknames for real names.
Scarlett - Flighty, sexy, cooler than thou. The it girl. The Heather of our time.
Ruby - Wannabe.
Kiernan - Better be Irish. The kid who beats the others up for lunch money but is secretly sensitive. A late bloomer.
Sophie - Blousy bitch. I'm okay with Sophia, though. And yes, she is the Jennifer of our time.
Oscar - Kind of cool but makes me think of a hunched-over little old man.
Ava - I like Eva better than Ava. Ava sounds like a stuck-up, cliquey little madam.
Ethan - Pain and suffering. An underachieving, resentful potential sociopath.
Anna - Meh but fine.
Angus - Only if you are Irish. Please, no Angus Rodriguezes or Angus Shapiros.
Quinn - Boy or girl? Before I thought blonde cheerleader, I thought smart-alecky little native New Yorky kid. Meaning: annoying as shit. 
Clementine - Cute in a precious way but what's the nickname? Clemmie? Tiny?
Grace - Repressed; teenage hussy. But I like Gracie for a nickname.
Rowan - Should be a debutante in Fairfield County with that name.
Ezra - Oy.
Emily - Classic and always a winner.
Jack - see Emily
Henry - Awesomely nerdy and non-conformist. Won't lose his V until college when he will become hot and cool.
Wyatt - Erp? I see this kid dressed in chaps through third grade and in psychic pain thereafter.
Jackson - Total douchebag starting in Pre-K. Will leave public school for Berkeley-Carroll and pressure Grace to put out before she's ready.

IMAGE VIA ACHIM LIPPOTH FOR 77KIDS