BREAKING: Park Slope Food Co-op to Recommend That Jewish Members Wear Yellow Star of David
Blognigger | Friday, February 20, 2009 at 12:53AM 
PARK SLOPE, Brooklyn (FIPSNN) - The trouble began in a local synagogue, of all places, where at a monthly general meeting, a Park Slope Coop member proposed a ban on Israeli foods. The gesture was one of protest, aimed at expressing the organization's contempt for the country's recent military campaign in Gaza. Here in Brooklyn, however, many Jews objected; that's when divisive lines were formed, and Coop members began to choose sides.
Now, in a move that is sure to ignite protest from Jewish advocacy groups citywide, the Coop board has voted to recommend that Jewish Members adorn Stars of David while shopping at the Coop. The Coop board insists that the move is one of compassion, and senior members of the organization met with FIPSNN to elaborate.
"First of all, I want to stress that this is a recommendation," explained Dr. Edith Rugjoy, the Coop's chief publicist, "It's in no way a requirement or mandatory, and I'm very wary of this suggestion being taken out of context.
"The fact is that most of our members are pretty upset about the Israel situation - they see Israel as a terrorist state, and they don't want to be supporting these Jews with their hard-earned dollars. They're sick over the recent developments, and it's understandable that they're pretty vocal about it."
Dr. Rugjoy reached for a sip of her Kumbucha tea, and then continued,
"So naturally, these members tend to discuss the issue with their friends while shopping here. It's completely reasonable - they have every right to speak their mind, and some of their comments can get pretty loud, pretty harsh, and pretty aggressive. They're venting, for chrissakes, which I think is something all of us can understand."
The yellow stars, Dr. Rugjoy argues, are merely a means of identifying Jewish members of the community for the purposes of making sure they get the respect and privacy they deserve.
"Despite our members harsh words about this issue, none of them would ever want to hurt anyone's feelings, least of all another member of the Coop community. This way, when they do see a yellow star, they know to curb the bitterness a bit until the Jew passes, or at least to keep their voices down."
But not all Coop Jews like the idea; FIPSNN observed one woman who had just finished shopping, tossing her yellow star back in the bin with disgust.
"I'm not wearing that fucking thing again," exclaimed the woman who identified herself only as Jennifer, "My shift coordinator asked me to work a double-shift, and the cashier spit at me."
A friend standing nearby pointed out that the spitting incident couldn't necessarily be attriuted to Jennifer's wearing of the Yellow Star.
"Well, she spit at me twice," admitted Jennifer, "once was because I was buying Hamburger meat, and yeah, that part is normal."
When asked whether the plan might have unintended consequences, Dr. Rugjoy again stressed the non-mandatory nature of the directive.
"We care about our members first and foremost," she said, "to whoever doesn't want to wear the star and wants to risk being offended by our understandably irate Muslim and Palestinian-supporting customers, we say, more power to them.
"Again, the star is there for their protection. Listen, it's not always clear who they are; not all of them come into the store wearing the big hats and the sideburns - It's no secret that in this post-racial society, it's getting harder and harder to recognize a Jew."
Asked whether those who chose not to wear the star might face scorn for not complying with the recommendation, Dr. Rugjoy denied that this would ever be the case.
"Absolutely not," she declared, "that would never happen in a million years. We are here for our members, and their freedom to choose is sacred in this community. Ask around - openness is what we value above all, and it works for us both ways: the last thing we want is for Coop management to be seen as a closed-minded bunch of nazis."
Ed note: Thanks to Brooklyn's own Blognigger for the Guest Post! You can read more edgy crap like this at his site, Blognigger.com
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Reader Comments (32)
When you can't tell if things are a BN post or real? That is the best point of all. Satire city here comes the reality train!
Now this is fucking satire. Great work, you're like park slope's black Jewish jonathan swift.
Oh Jesus! I laughed, I cried. I can smell that distinct smell of co-ops around the world.
I went to a Co-op meeting once and only once and oddly enough it was shortly after that I left the co-op completely. I can completely believe this.
This is like shooting fish in a barrel. Gefilte fish, of course.
Way to go FIPS!!!!!!!!
"rugjoy" had me lololol
that shit is hilarious.
funny, cause my friend that i just saw in austin, who lives in PS said she had to drop out of the coop because of their stringent and punishing volunteer requirements. she and her husband couldn't keep up.
brooklyn!
Spit at for buying hamburger meat!!!
Hilarious and true - I once had a cashier REFUSE to ring up my purchase because it contained meat - this was in 1991 way before the core gentrification years...
i support the boycott,
I'll gladly drop my drawers so they can look under my tail for my 'jew gold' .
next thing you know, they're gonna have all the men drop 'em to see if they're cut or not.
let's hope they still sell hamentaschen during Purim, because boy are they yummy.
not that i shop at that stupid place.
What satirical mapping is there between Israel and jews? I love FIPS so I will be really bummed if you pull the tired and weird "anti-israeli-war-crimes = anti-jew" thing, even if only humorously. I have Fox News, or Dick Cheney' latest squint eyed rant, if I want that kind of thing. Other than that - love ya.
Yes!
"behind the satiric curve!" is right- explain yourselves fips -
And when you're done, please also explain what the "Dutch" have to do with "Holland"
K thx
you guys are crazy! well done.
lol. fair play, good un!
serious and earnest question tho - why does cussin israel = cussin jews? dutch are by definition in or from holland and pretty much part of the dutch project. jews are from all over and not always part of, or even down with, the israel project. i spect healthy % of co-op members are jews too. are they really all "self-hating", as the chomsky-bashershave it? Shirley not?
No genius, for the most part, Jews support Israel- that's why it's called Israel, ya grad student metatool
behind the satiric curve, what the fuck are you talking about with "israeli war cimes"? let's see, Hamas attacks Israel, Israel attacks back. oh yeah, they should have sat there and just looked pretty. i fucking hate you, the stupid fucking hipsters in this neighborhood and Obama. yes, i live in Park Slope and hate Obama. ooooooooooooowwwwww!
perfect - brilliant satire...PS is too precious with itself...
Trust fund assholes.
Nobody loves BN more than me, but I gotta say he really missed with this one. What Israel did is obscene, and boycotting a few grocery items seems like a pretty tame response. Making a Holocaust comparison out of it is fucking lame and completely disingenuous.
BlackerThanYou, you are so full of shit it astounds me.
#1) What Israel did is OBSCENE??? What the fuck do you mean by that???
#2) You are lying about being a BN fan. no BN fan is as clueless and uptight as you. This is absolutely the perfect satire, maybe the best he's ever done.
I demand a boycott of that terrible place that like South Africa used to be a Dutch colony, stole the land of the colored natives, exterminated them and banished them to reservations and whose white settlers continue to live in occupied territory, filling it with strollers, mommy and me groups and cooperative food stores.
I hope pork slope burns in hell with racist scumbags. I love how son of bitches white hippies call me racist. Same thing goes to other people from different backgrounds blacks, yellow and shit colors.Damn I am racist but with more morals than you hateful scumbags.
Israel, Jerusalem Zion forever
I'm with BlackerThanYou -- i'm both a 'cooperator' and BN appreciator and think this satire falls short (real short). You've turned yourself into a version of the same caricature of a PS coop-er. The coop only has power over the people that join -- and yet you feel all soooo controlled. Grow a pair and cry to the Fresh Direct guy.
This reminds me of the Curb episode when Larry is whistling Wagner.