Drunken Monkeys: Union Hall

In late 2009, a few days after my 35th birthday, I was up visiting the parents in Southern NH for the Thanksgiving holiday. A few days into my stay, I was reflecting on my middle age status & thought to myself "what ever became of George, my beloved childhood stuffed gorilla?" In between the holiday's familial obligations, I hunted through the house from the attic to the basement, trying to find George.

By the time I'd departed back to NYC at the end of the weekend, I hadn’t been able to locate him. The following week, my mother called me to inform me that she'd found George & would be sending him down to Brooklyn via the postal service. A few days later, after a few decades apart, we were finally reunited.

Since that time, George has sat on shelves & bookcases in my apartments, observing what I've become since we were last together. A few days ago, we were talking & decided that, after decades indoors, it was high time that he got out & started meeting people again. On Sunday, I was heading out to meet a few folks at Union Hall, so George tagged along.

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Bodega This!

Full disclosure #1: I've only lived in Brooklyn for a decade.

Full disclosure #2: I've never lived in Park Slope.

Full disclosure #3: I LOVE judging the people & businesses & whatnot of Park Slope.

I know. I know, obnoxious FIPS commenters. I realize that I'm not a TRUE resident & I never will be even if I hit the lottery & buy a Park Slope apartment & eventually die a lonely, crusty ol' elderly death within its walls. As a non-resident, I'm not allowed to complain about what goes on in Park Slope one single bit. Luckily, today I've come to compliment your EXCLUSIVE neighborhood.

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Awards are Like Assholes: Brooklyn Bar Awards

image via Brownstoner

METAPHOR! SIMILE! Awards are like assholes. Everybody's got one, they're responsible for a lot of shit, and while we probably shouldn't watch them being presented, for the love of Jebus we just can't help ourselves. We absolutely have to see. Damn captivating sexy assholes!

On that note, yesterday L Magazine, the arbiters of all things slightly edgier than The Village Voice, released their "2011 Brooklyn Bar Awards," twenty categories of awards devoted to every imaginable aspect of what makes a bar great.

As an avid drinker, I was intrigued. Would my fave Park Slope drink tanks® be TOTALLY VALIDATED amongst the greater Brooklyn bar scene? Could I finally sleep with myself at night (without the use of alcohol)? As it turns out, four Park Slope bars were named and I've spent many drunken hours in two of them, so I slept like a baby last night.

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THIS JUST IN: THE ITALIANS ARE IN CHARGE HERE

Click to Englarge (image via very small arrayAs you may have surmised from my obsession with documenting every business in Park Slope, block by block, I'm a fan of deconstructing the makeup of cities. What it really boils down to is that I’m in love with maps. How much do I love them? Once, I was on a "date" and my female companion and I went into a Barnes & Noble and we sat on the floor for almost an hour looking at maps. It was like something out of a Wes Anderson film, right down to the part where things never worked out between us. I still had my maps though. They’ll never leave me.

To be honest, it's been a while since I've had good map, so when I stumbled across this map earlier this week, I just about lost it in my shorts. That's figuratively, of course. I was wearing pants anyhow. So this map...it breaks down the "Most Common Type of Restaurant in a Zip Code According to the Village Voice Restaurants Guide." Wait...the Village Voice is still relevant? Wow. Well, I guess it’s better than using Timeout NY as the basis of your map. They're kinda douchey.

According to the map breakdown, Park Slope's DOMINATED by Italian restaurants. I suppose it makes sense. There are a pretty good amount of Italian places and this was once an Italian-dominated neighborhood. Personally, I live on enough pasta at home that when I go out, there’s a 99% chance I'm not going Italian. That means that over time, I've effectively programmed my brain to devote zero real estate to their existence. That being the case, I would've thought that Japanese or Mexican would've prevailed, but I guess it's really a moot point. In five years everything will be New American Fusion anyhow.

See more from the map makers, very small array, here.

Snackz in tha Hood [Bierkraft]

Check it. After months of doing half-assed reviews of every business in Park Slope, I've put together a sorta real one:

I'm a beer snob connoisseur. Fuck wine. Fuck hard liquor. I drink beer. I drink it for the taste. I drink it for the funny things it does to my brain. It's good like that.

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