Ah, December, the Friday of the year. It is also, incidentally, the worst month in which to be born. You will be doubled-up, as far as presents go, with Christmas. (It should go without saying, this is a very #firstworldproblem.) Jesus Christ, for instance, never once got that pony he asked for. And then they crucified him. Tough life. But your life is better, even if you were born in December, because you have the greatest gift of all: No, not your health, because you live in NY and subsist on takeout. I'm referring to hard liquor, of course! It shall flow through your veins like the Christmas spirit all this month, as you celebrate Brooklyn style. Welcome to Whassup: Decemberists Edition:
* NOW OPEN: Brooklyn Doughnut Plant (Prospect Heights): Yesterday, the first Brooklyn outpost of the Manhattan pastry heaven Doughnut Plant opened. These bastards make huge, square, gourmet (I suppose?) doughnuts filled with PB&J and peanut butter and banana cream. Go get yourself fat. You know you wanna.
* Thursday, Dec. 4: A Little Chaos, Littlefield: If you were born on the East Coast, you may not know exactly what the Midwest is. For example, the Midwest does not mean Buffalo, so when Buffalo snuggled up under 5,000 feet of snow last month, that did not mean all of the central United States was buried (as some of my friends seemed to assume). So maybe this art opening will help. Brooklyn realist painter LJ Lindhurst is showing a series of (painted) snapshots of seemingly mundane events in Midwest life. They will all be of a fat Packers fan eating a casserole. 6pm, FREE.
* Saturday, Dec. 6: All I Want for Christmas is Mariah, Bell House: There are a lot of good reasons to not like Mariah Carey: The fact that she's 44 and still seems to want to act and dress 14. The self-indulgent vocal gymnastics. But I challenge you to dislike "All I Want for Christmas Is You." It is, of course, incredibly catchy, and undeniably fun. Well, the folks at Party Like It's 1999, the Bell House's recurring '90s dance party, noticed that Mariah's Christmas album is 20 years old this December. So, they're devoting this edition to her sugary chirping. Come get happy and point obnoxiously at people during the "…is you!" part. 10pm, FREE.
* Saturday, Dec. 6-Sunday, Dec. 21: Jerry's Girls, Gallery Players: Park Slope's long-running (season 48!) theater company opens its Christmas show this weekend -- "Jerry's Girls" is a review of classic songs by Jerry Herman, including a few holiday tunes. Each sung by one of Gallery Players' divas, it'll layer some warm, womanly vocals over the desolate iceberg of winter in NYC. Plus, it'll be nice to have a song in your head that's not "Jingle Bells." Shows at 8pm, with weekend matinees at 2pm and 3pm. $15-$18.
* Tuesday, Dec. 9-Wednesday, Dec. 10: Support Green-Wood: Slope-area landmark Green-Wood Cemetery may not actually be a landmark -- at least not officialy. The historic park, final resting place of Leonard Bernstein (among others), and the highest point in Brooklyn is one of about 100 sites set to be jettisoned from a list of potential landmarks. That vote happens Tuesday. This isn't an activism post (or blog), so I don't know -- maybe Google that and write a letter or something? Otherwise, you can just take it as an excuse to appreciate the cemetery/park, by attending Wednesday's trolley tour. You can lie to the ghosts and tell them you tried to make them a landmark. 1pm-3pm, $10-$15.
* THROUGH DEC. 30: Dyker Heights X-Mas Lights: If you're weird, you may miss certain things about suburbia now that you're living in the city: parking spots as far as the eye can see, huge grocery stores, a washing machine. More importantly, this time of the year, you may miss the gaudy Christmas light displays. Well, don't worry, you can still get some of that here, as Brooklyn starts to turn downright suburban in spots (and I'm not talking about the strollerville Park Slopers call home). Dyker Heights is famed for holiday displays of Liberacean extravagance. The displays started Nov. 30 and run through Dec. 30. Come have your eyeballs festively assaulted.