Merry X-Mas, Yo!

From Urban Dictionary:

1. Christmastoe - (see also moosetoe) Camel toe at Christmas time.

Mrs. Clause is always worried about christmastoe during her holiday picture opportunities at the mall.

Happy Holidaze, everyone!

Wow, I Kinda Like The Way 'G-Slope' Rolls Off Ur Tongue

It sounds a bit like "g-spot."

Too bad G-Slope got totally clobbered in the Curbed Cup battle royale of NYC nabes (getting the shit kicked out of itself by Nolita, no less...).

In case you are wondering where the fuck G-Slope is: it's right next to P Slope...not quite Gowanus, not quite Park Slope.

Is There ANYONE Out There, Anywhere On The Planet That Doesn't HATE Time Warner? Just Curious...

Dear Time Warner,

My cable modem stopped working yesterday morning. No outtages, no inclement weather. It just stopped working.

I was home sick, and as you can imagine, Dr. Phil and Intervention got real old real quick. My tivo queue kept me busy for a few hours with some Blush eps and CBS News Sunday Mornings, but after several hours, I needed my dub dub dub fix.

So, I called you....and that's pretty much when I decided that I wanted to kill myself.

Not "metaphorically" kill myself, I mean, take my own life kill myself. I don't mean to make light of such an, admittedly, gravely serious and unfortunate circumstances as the act of choosing to commit suicide, but after the experience of spending 60+ minutes on the phone with various customer service reps within your horrendous, poorly-run, Bob Saget Roast joke of an organization, [in that moment of utter, full-bodied frustration], suicide struck me as my only viable option.

Now, granted, perhaps my poor state of general health contributed to a reduced level of patience with your retarded and/or severely mentally handicapped staff, but I honestly don't think so. I called you yesterday with an open mind and an open heart...and within record time you left me feeling like I wanted to kick a puppy (or several).

After my epic-ly horrendous experience, I offer you a few suggestions you might want to consider moving forward, in order to prevent further suicidal tendencies from developing amongst your, likely, shrinking customer base:

1. Hire people who aren't brain dead.
2. Hire people who don't hate everyone who calls.
3. Offer those of us who are not TOTALLY FUCKING STUPID an option that will allow us to bypass all of the TOTALLY FUCKING STUPID trouble shooting methods you need to employ with 80 year old grandmas who don't understand the concept that AOL is not the world wide web and/or that plugging your motherfucking cable modem is a pre-requisite to it working. Maybe something like this: "how is your wireless network set up?" If you receive a cogent answer to this question, you can establish that: the customer knows what a wireless network is; likely knows how to set one up; does not need to be asked eleven different ways if their motherfucking cable modem is plugged in and/or if they have tried restarting their computer.
4. Go fuck yourselves right in your fucking faces.

Let me say this: FIOS, if you are out there, I am waiting, cable box in hand to welcome you into the warm bossum of our cable ready household. I don't care if you cost more money...or make me sign a contract. I don't care if you offer 3 major networks instead of 4. HB-Ho instead of HBO: no problemo. I don't care if the majority of my programming will be delivered to my flatscreen in Spanish. I will learn Spanish. If it means that I can once and for all, be done with the blood sucking, moronic, bad-attitude douchetards at Time Warner, I will pay any price and make any sacrifice. Call me.

Sincerely,
me

FIPS ToDo's

*I LOVE me some Nigella Lawson...and this XXX dirrrty xmas mashup is worth a look (Buzzfeed).

*Drop some poundage: Weight Loss Guides Without Gimmicks (NYT).

*Enjoy this "best of" Brooklyn-centric list: Top 10 Bands that played at Union Hall and/or the Bell House (Brooklyn Based).

*Peel noodles!? Whoa, I so want some of these (Fork in the Road).

*Ask yourself: where do you want to wake up tomorrow? (Gowanus Lounge).

*Move to Atlanta (Gothamist).

*Do NOT go to Flipsters (or Kiku for that matter) (Brooklynian).

*Behold Park Slope's "sweater clad tree" (Daily Intel via IMBY).

Who Gives A Shit?: Is Your Family Fucking Crazy?

Another simple question: Now that the holidaze are upon us, fess up:

Are you dreading hanging with your fam (or your in-laws)?
Is anyone batshit krazee?
Pls elaborate

That's it.

Again, answer in the comments (and feel free to go stealth anon if you want some prive).