YOU'RE WELCOME: HOW TO BECOME A GENTRIFICATION PIONEER

Picture it: your lease is up and you're suddenly priced out of Park Slope. 

You don't want to leave Brooklyn because it gives you street cred with the people you went to high school with.  They think you're tough and interesting for living in Brooklyn because they are the type of people who think that New York City consists of Times Square and Ellis Island. 

What are you going to do?

I'll tell you what you're going to do!

You're going to be come a Gentrification Pioneer!

Becoming a Gentrification Pioneer is hard work—think about it like Oregon Trail.  People are going to DIE before you get there (if I have anything to do with it). 

It takes a hell of a lot of commitment to gentrify a low-income neighborhood. 

First, you have to get over the tiny moral nosebleed that you get when you think about stripping an entire community of  any vestiges of culture or ethnicity.  You have to get rid of all of the "iglesias" and replace them with Presbyterian churches, take all of those auto repair shops and replace them with coffee houses that feature nightly lesbian poetry readings, and get rid of the stores that sell useful things and turn them into boutiques where rich fat ladies can buy outfits for their dogs.

And that's just the beginning. 

But you're up for the challenge, right?  You're young, scrappy, and white! You have a Bachelor's degree from some private college on U.S. News & World Report's Best Small School List!  You have a raging sense of entitlement!

Here's how you do it:

1. Ironic/racially-insensitive t-shirt: Oh man, you will be so funny in your Notorious BIG t-shirt that has incorrect grammar on it.  Who cares if you're listening to Florence + the Machine on your iPod?  This is the perfect shirt for you to wear while you're running the OG's out of the neighborhood.  Also, have you heard the new Bonnie Raitt album?  It's rockin'.    

2. Self-righteous bag: Even if your mouth isn't moving, your clothing and accessories should always be making a statement!  "I'm not a plastic bag," "I love trees," "Buy local"—all of these things let people know your personal politics without having to have a conversation with you.  You would never buy produce at C Town!  You would never use a plastic bag!  Being better than everyone is EXHAUSTING!

3. Horn-rimmed glasses: Whether you're a man or a woman, horn-rimmed glasses instantly say four things about you: 1). You love indie rock 2). You have a penchant for plaid things 3). You are either unemployed or you work in the media 4). You have poor eyesight.  In any event, they are absolutely necessary for being a gentrification pioneer.  You need to be able to see everything very clearly (except the various ethnicities you're ignoring).

4. Hipster iPhone case: What's more entitled than Apple products?  Nothing!  We are APPLE NATION.  Deck out that iPhone with a case that makes it even more douchey.  You can text your friends in style, saying things like, "I don't feel safe. I am the only white person at the Franklin Ave shuttle stop!"           

5. Travel mug: America may run on Dunkin', but you run on free-trade coffee that you bought when you were helping to build those shantytown villages in Colombia.  Let everyone know that you know what REAL coffee is by advertising it on your travel mug.  

1. A festive doormat: Your next door neighbor uses an old towel as a doormat, but you can spruce up the joint with a nice doormat.  Como se dice "curb appeal" in Spanish?  Maybe she'll take the hint and buy one of her own! 

2. Brooklyn decor: You've been in Brooklyn for all of 15 minutes, but that's no reason not to show your Brooklyn pride!  You love this place, that's why you're trying to make it better, right?  Others may disagree with your definition of "better" (which is: a place that includes 17 coffee houses that all have nightly poetry readings, overpriced green markets, and lots of dry cleaners), but who cares?  VIVA BROOKLYN!  

3. Potted plants: You may be a few career steps away from being able to have a backyard garden/chicken coop of your own, but plants add atmosphere and represent vitality.  No one's gonna get shot in your building.  There's a fern outside of it.

4. Wind chimes: Who wants to hear the sounds of gunshots and domestic disturbances that always seem to be happening outside of your window at exactly 3AM?  No one!  The sweet, melodic sounds of wind chimes will lull you to sleep just like Belinda Carlisle used to (heaven is a place on Earth). 

5. No Solicitation Signs: We all know that the best way to foster a true feeling of community in a neighborhood is to post threatening signs all over your doors, stoops, and front gates.  It's like saying, "Hello, neighbor.  You can take your Chinese menus and fuck right off."

1. Act like a DBag: You already quietly believe you're better than everyone, so start being vocal about it!  Pick a fight with everyone.  Your parents, your spouse, your children, strangers on the bus—all of these suckers need to know that you are absolutely right about everything, ESPECIALLY your views on why you needed to knock down the Puerto Rican Community Center so that a new luxury condo could be put up.  Sorry, Jose.  The only barrio you'll be visiting is the one that sells $20 guacamole and designer mojitos. 

2. Never shut up: See "Act like a DBag."

3. Pronounce words in a faux native accent: There's no better way to get on the good side of minorities like butchering their language and being condescending about it.  When you find yourself ordering at a Mexican restaurant, make sure you make a big production of saying things like, "PEE-CO DAY GAAAAAIIIIIIIIYO."  You're not slowly destroying the neighborhood they've lived in for years, you're assimilating!

4. Be Overtly Nice to Minorities: After you price everyone out of the former low-income neighborhood, you might experience what scientists call "white guilt."  It's totally normal.  In fact, it's your heritage!  Don't you think Christopher Columbus felt a little down in the dumps when he and the other white settlers quietly murdered all of the Native Americans with smallpox blankets?  Of course!  So, make up for it by being extremely nice to any minorities you encounter.  And remember, always tip your cab driver.

5. Listen to NPR: While other people have moved on to more modern ways to get their news, you're sticking to your guns and listening to the RADIO.  Guigliermo Marconi would be so proud!  NPR is the best way for entitled DBags to get their news from socialists like Terry Gross and Ira Glass.

So, there it is. 

Watch out for the covered wagons, East New York—the Gentrification Pioneers are heading your way! 

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