Your FiPS Guide to Valentine's Day: For Singles

via cheezburger.com

Well, here it is, Park Slope: the day on which Hallmark, restaurant chalkboards, and all your attached friends conspire to kick you right in the genitals (Metaphorically. Usually.). Well, conspire with me to hate Valentine's Day right back in its fat, little Cupid face. And there are plenty of ways for the partner-less to occupy themselves in Park Slope this V-Day season. What to do when you're unattached? Read on:

* Friends with Benefits, Bell House: Single? Well, lucky you we live in a city with plenty of potential partners, birth control, and loose morals. Hear some comedy about NSA doin' it with the "Tell Your Friends with Benefits" show, headlined by the hilariously understated Wyatt Cenac of The Daily Show. And there are free cupcakes, because nothing helps with heartache quite like baked goods. Sunday, Feb 12.

* Unconventional Love Reading, Franklin Park: Been hearing a lot about this reading series over in Crown Heights. This time out, the authors tackle "unconventional love." Like the love of a bachelor for a high-speed internet connection. Anyway, a good story can heal that heart, or at least distract you from the annoying couples mooning at restaurants with their boring, conventional love. Monday, Feb 13. 8pm, FREE.

* V-Day Release: Breakup Songs: Brooklyn musician Terry Radigan releases songs about injured aortas on V-Day. Cry the pain away, Park Slope.

* Power Ballad Sing-a-Long: "Love Hurts," as the man said. And here's a way for you and your innards to say it loud along with a room full of others, all belting out the oh-so-melodramatically true insights of Bonnie Tyler's totally eclipsed heart, the recently kissed-off rose of Seal -- and, let's hope, Nazareth's gorgeous apotheosis of whiney pain. Tuesday, Feb 14. 10pm, $8.

* "Unloveable" Morrissey Tribute, Bell House: A Smiths and Morrissey tribute band on Valentine's Day? It's just the push you need to realize the ridiculousness of crying over the past. Or, it's just the push you need to retreat to your room cloaked in black. Either way, making progress. Tuesday, Feb 14. 8pm, $10.

* Silly Love Poems, Freddy's: Come hear a pack of Brooklyn poets and writers read the whole gamut of love-related work -- including, of course, bitter heartbreak. As per usual, it will all be incredibly drunk. 8pm, FREE.

* Lonesome Cowboys, Jalopy: To make country music work, all you need is a broken heart, a twang in your voice, and a beer to cry in. All three will be available at Jalopy as Park Slope country troubadour Alex Battles puts slide-guitared atmosphere to your tale of misery and woe. Fellow roots artists Kern Dahlstrom and Jan Bell and the Maybelles will be crooning as well. Tuesday, Feb 14. 8pm, $10.

* Um, Get Off, Babeland: Ok, don't get off AT Bableand, but they can definitely help you do in the privacy of your own home or the Union Hall bathrooms (kidding!). Just because you're single doesn't mean your orgasm rate should decrease. If anything, it should probably double. And now you can get pocket rockets and lube delivered right to your door.

* Um, Get Laid, Park Slope: The following establishments offer alcohol, young patrons, and dim lighting: the Gate, Black Horse, Commonwealth, Union Hall, etc., etc. (This list is by no means comprehensive.) Go do what you were born to do. Just be sure to wrap it up, of course. And try not to get attached.

* Everything Must Pass, Southpaw: As the great Louis C.K. once pointed out, every relationship ends in sadness. The best possible scenario, ultimately, is that you die slightly before the other person. So, hey! Remind yourself of the inevitability of singlehood for everyone by honoring another demise: the impending loss of Park Slope institution Southpaw, which shutters on the 20th. Go drink and enjoy the last runs of their shows. They'll understand your sorrow. They feel it, too.

* Princess Burlesque, Coney Island: I know how it can be -- every venue in Park Slope reminds you of your ex. The Tea Lounge couch where you first held hands. The Bar Reis bathroom where you held her hair back while she puked. So, get out of the 'hood this V-Day for some high-class nakedness. Nigerian Patience Mukoro -- a member of the Nigerian royal family -- encourages singles to come meet potential partners in the sexy atmosphere of a burlesque show. With a sex toy giveaway. Sideshows by the Seashore, Tuesday, Feb 14. 8pm, $15 for singles.