Your FiPS Guide To Hurricane Irene

Hey, New York: Your mean Aunt Hurricane Irene with the sour tuna breath is packing up her floral suitcase and making her way from a cabana in the Bahamas to come visit you in NYC on Sunday. She'll probably want to go to Times Square, where she'll take lots of pictures and complain that "them immigrants are trying to steal my goddamned fannypack." This is going to suck. But fear not, kids: Your Uncle Bloomberg, who's still bitter over the divorce and resulting settlement in which he lost all his money, wants to make this awful experience as painless as possible:

“The good news is that our Department of Environmental Protection – and crews like the ones you saw working here on the street – are working hard to clean out catch basins, which will help mitigate flooding from the weather that’s heading our way. If the worst scenario is going to happen this weekend, we will activate other elements of our Coastal Storm Plan, including the possibility of evacuating of New Yorkers who live in low-lying areas that could be affected by such storm surges. City government is also taking every possible step to prepare for the storm. Yesterday, we activated our Command Center at the Office of Emergency Management. We are checking in regularly with the National Weather Service."

Uncle Bloomberg also plans to shut down all of mass transit (holy shit), and possibly evacuate low-lying areas, like Battery Park City, Coney Island and Far Rockaway.

"Mayor Michael Bloomberg says officials expect to shut down the city's entire transit system at some point Saturday afternoon ahead of the arrival of Hurricane Irene, which is now forecasted to strike eastern Queens. He says service likely won't be available again until sometime Monday or perhaps later. Bloomberg is urging residents of the city's low-lying areas to begin evacuating tomorrow. He'll decide whether to issue a formal evacuation order by 8 a.m. The mayor at a press conference Thursday said Hurricane Irene appears to be heading toward eastern Queens, New York."

In the meantime, see if you live in a hurricane evacuation zone by clicking HERE, and start putting together those hurricane kits! Bare essentials should include an assortment of mini Babybel cheese, a few cases of cheap box wine and every season of The Wire.

EXTRA FUCKING THANKS to FiPS super writer and cutie Chinae Alexander for making the amazing "To-Do List" graphic!