WILL PARK SLOPE PARENTS SOLVE THE TODDLER MASTURBATION PROBLEM?

Masturbating toddlers are a growing concern that could be hitting YOUR Park Slope brownstone 2nd bathroom any day now. A Park Slope parent posted this on PSP (duh) for a "friend" who lives in "San Diego" and hence has no one to turn to for advice... At first I thought it was some shit like San Diego, Guatemala, but even THOSE bitches have the Internet.

So, we have a 4 year-old boy (depending on his hat, it could be a straight boy or a gay boy, we don't want to make any assumptions) who likes to... wait for it... masturbate with a stuffed cow. That's right, the parents are absolutely sure that the boy, who hasn't turned 4 yet, has developed a fetish for plush animal bestiality. He takes the stuffed cow to the bathroom and asks for alone time (the little dude is 4 and he has the common sense to lock himself in the bathroom instead of flaunting his goodness). Furthermore, the boy asks to SLEEP with the said cow, which is just so blatantly sexual and fucked up, right??

Obviously, everyone agrees that masturbation is a wonderful thing in this cold and lonely world, but the concern of the Park Slope parent is: this masturbation thing is getting a little out of hand and is it time to just talk it out? You know, get a box of tissues, put it all out on the table, the good, the bad, and the ugly...laugh together, cry...like any supporting parents would.

The question is, do we know the long-term psychological effects that early masturbation could have on the boy's development? Will he start going cow-tipping in Arizona when he gets a little older, or will he be become a PETA activist?