FOUND @ 8TH & GARFIELD: GAY CHILD'S HAT

Whenever I see a child's hat or glove strewn onto the sidewalk in Park Slope, I LEAVE IT. It's easy to stifle my human instinct to try and return it to its owner: all I have to do is remember that the last person who tried to do this ended up villainized on the cover of New York Magazine.

The only surefire way to avoid the PC witch-hunt that ensues from publicly describing a child's hat is to stay out of the game altogether. Like my old Jewish grandmother used to say, "No gender-non-neutral assumption-based deed goes unpunished."

Yesterday however, I finally found a lost article of clothing that will allow me to be a good citizen. Regardless of the gender of the kid who lost it on 8th avenue, the hat pictured above lends itself to an easy, clear-cut description: It obviously belongs to a gay child.

If this cowboy hat belongs to a boy, that boy is obviously gay - the hat has a sequin tiara on it. Even the most unsexed politically correct stalkers among you can't deny that.

If this cowboy hat belongs to a girl, she's dead butch; I mean, this is no sassy Jessica Simpson or Madonna pink novelty cowboy hat - This is a black ten gallon number like you'd see John Wayne wear, minus the sequins which he'd never wear in public. It's obvious that any little girl wearing this hat is about 20 years away from being a WNBA season ticket holder, IF you know what I mean.

Not that there's anything wrong with that!