Psychics In The Slope: Know Their Shit Or Full Of It?

Psychics. Tarot cards. Palm readings. Crystal balls. All these things exist in Park Slope and seem to be cropping up everywhere.

Personally I never really gave a shit about such things, and the only part of the psychic realm I’m familiar with are the neon half moon signs and creepy mannequin heads that can be spotted above many delis around town.

However, As a curious person with no prior experience with this stuff, I’ve
decided to delve deeper to discover what lies behind those mysterious second story windows.

Before I share my experiences I feel I should explain my disposition. I’ve always been a skeptic: usually going into situations such as this with a smug smile on my face thinking everyone is full of shit...something akin to George Carlin’s outlook on life. On the other hand, I also really like when I’m proven wrong. I enjoy all things creepy and eerie, things that send shivers down my spine and generally scare the piss out of me.

So here's what I've uncovered with my lengthy research:

Psychic Readings By Rita – 430 7th Ave.

Upon arriving at the location, I was greeted at the door by an overweight elderly man in nothing but socks and his boxer shorts. Despite the awful display, I managed to look at the positives: at least he wasn’t partial to tighty whities or even worse, walking around his house nakey. Anyways, he mumbled something to the effect of "damn psychic," and asked me to please hold. He promptly slammed the door in my face, shouted “RIIIITA” and then I heard some scrambling and shuffling of papers and rearranging of furniture. After about 2 minutes the door swung open.

There stood Rita in her long flowing robe. She welcomed me into her dining room and told me to take a seat at her dinner table. She explained that she could do palm, face and crystal readings, as well as regular tarot cards and in-depth tarot card readings. Seeing as I obviously didn’t want her to touch me, I immediately ruled out face/palm readings. She didn’t have a list of prices and I had to ask her about three times what the price ranges were. She told me that regular tarot cards were $35, and that the ‘special’ card readings were $85. From what I could see, the only thing special about the $85 deck was that they were shiny and had pretty pictures of dolphins on them. As Madame Rita was explaining the prices to me the lights began to flicker overhead, which I assume comes in handy when she’s conjuring up spirits of deceased Park Slope pets.

The card reading took all of 12 minutes.

Most of her feedback came in the form of sweeping generalizations that could have been true for anyone. Cards with a knife stabbing “my heart” came up, which Rita told me signified that I had at some point in my life been hurt by someone. Good one Rita. AMAZINGLY ASTUTE.

Some cards came up that had nothing to do with my life, and I actually found myself stretching my imagination to try to make stuff fit because I actually felt bad for the woman. If cards didn’t make sense she said “I don’t always go by the cards, but I feed off of your reactions and what your spirit is telling me.” If cards did make sense she said, “see the cards never lie!”

The highlight of my visit took place in the middle of my reading, when she randomly complimented me on my ‘beautiful skin’, so that was nice I guess.

After the reading, Rita had some bad news for me: she informed me that I had a lot of inner turmoil and that my soul was in disrepair. Uh oh. She said I really owed it to myself to take a whack at the more “in depth” tarot cards, aka spend $85 more bucks. I promptly said thanks but no thanks. She insisted that I needed help and proceeded to dig around in a drawer until she retrieved a tin Lone Ranger lunchbox and pulled out a shiny crystal. She instructed me to hold it all day and then place it under my pillow that night so she could read and interpret my dreams.

After her sad realization that I wasn’t going to give her any more money, she asked for the $35 I owed her. Seeing as the entire charade was run out of her dining room I couldn’t use my credit card and had to run to the corner market for cash. For a split second I considered running out on the tab, but then thought that Rita and Merv (her husband in his skivvies) had to eat, and more importantly, that if all this bullshit somehow did turn out to be real, I didn’t want some cosmic karmic forces cursing my ass for the rest of my life.

Curious to see if other Slope Psychics were similar to Madame Rita I decided to visit
another.

Park Slope Psychic – Psychic Readings By Lisa – 303 7th Ave.

Madame Lisa was a little more profesh. Although she doesn’t run her services out of her living room, she does seem to be operating out of a closet. I highly suggest that if you are claustrophobic and/or are over 200 lbs, you avoid Park Slope Psychic at all costs.

This joint was much more pricey, offering crystal ball and chakra healing and balancing for $250 big ones. It also says on her card that she offers one to one yoga, which not only would be physically impossible in her office, but also sounds pretty McShady to me. Oh, and gross.

The tarot cards were $50 and since I’m such a high roller, I opted for the $15 palm reading instead. Even though I’m not a psychic myself, I could tell that this deeply upset Madame Lisa.

She quickly spewed 3 minutes of rehearsed bullshit that she pulled out of her ass, where she proposed that I've had trouble sleeping.  Oh Lisa, if you only knew that I sleep like a log and am impossible to wake up in the middle of the night. Also, Rita just gave me a crystal to put under my pillow, so I'm golden!

She also suggested that a woman in my life was constantly disappointing me and held me back. Sorry Madame Lisa: you guessed the wrong parent. I so don’t have mommy issues. -10 on that one.

And for the record, Lisa never once touched my palm or even attempted to trace my lifeline.

After this mind blowing "palm reading," she insisted that I needed my chakras read. I told her that I didn’t really have $250 to spare. Her rebuttal; “Brittany, you are deeply troubled. Your chakras are severely out of balance and I am deeply concerned for you. This isn’t about money. I wouldn’t suggest this unless I really felt it were necessary. I don’t usually offer this to everyone, but I can do it for you for $200 since you are so special.” She also informed me that she offers payment plans if necessary. Psychic payment plans!?...PA-lease!

In visiting 2 psychics, I assumed I would be able to compare notes on my predicted future. How I will meet my husband, how many bebes I'll pop out, how successful I'll be, when I'll croak. But instead these were the only similarities I found between the two experiences.

1.) Neither of them ACTUALLY told me anything about my future. They told me shit I already know. Why would I need to waste $50 on that? Eff that noise.

2.) Both seemed to have their up-selling shpiels down pat. With their use of flattery and a fake sense of caring and concern, they would be great in sales/politics.

3.) Neither of them seemed to have change. I only had twenties so they both managed to weasel $5 out of me! What shysters!

If you feel the need to foresee your future but don’t feel like sitting in some strangers living room or a closet or you just want a good laugh then I suggest you visit Brooklyn’s own Gemma Deller.  Gemma can do 45 minute psychic medium readings for $120 via house call, telephone, skype or chat...It also says on her website that she specializes in communicating with deceased pets, but it should be advised “even though Gemma loves the little guys, she is allergic, so she will only come to your space if it is pet free.” Baha. No smart ass comments necessary. I did send Gemma an email about potentially communicating with my late goldfish Jeremy Nelson who I accidentally forgot to feed over spring break 2 years ago and discovered him belly up in his watery grave. I would post the hilarious email action here but this is already waaay too fucking long so if you wish to read them go here.

What upsets me most is that there are schmucks out there that actually believe all this noise. I was discussing my theories on the whole psychic situation in Park Slope over brunch and a woman sitting next to me actually interrupted my conversation to say that she swears by psychics and that they have helped many of her friends. To that I say: you need help lady...and not from a psychic.

So what do you think about psychics? Do they know their shit, or are they just full of it?