Who Gives A Shit: Are We Still *Really* Talking About Babies In Bars?

Yes, bitches....yes we are.

Sorry, but we just can't help ourselves. Espesh when we receive calls for help, like the following from a "Concerned South Sloper" DINK:

Soooooo.......

My wife and I dropped by the Dram Shop on Saturday afternoon to overload on greasy food and beer on a shit-er-iffic day.  All was nice and quiet (aside from the earsplitting music) with just the two of us and one other couple indulging in fried deliciousness and hoppy goodness.  All of the sudden, 3 different FAMILIES walk in with kids in tow.  So now we are treated to screaming kids playing shuffle board and dads talking in their dad voices until we finally just decided to give up and leave.

What the eff is that?  The last time I checked it was called Dram Shop BAR.  It is never okay to bring kids to a bar, right?  Am I crazy or something?

-Concerned South Sloper

Au contraire, Concerned South Sloper...bringing kids to bars is a widely supported and deeply cherished tradition here in Park Slope. And, in fact, this very topic has been discussed and debated ad nauseum (even here on this very blog!). So while you are definitely not crazy, you are very out of touch with the accepted norms of your kiddie worshipping neighborhood. But, don't worry--you've come to the right place!

Based on shitloads of research, Brooklynian rants, and various other modes of bitchery, I've surmised the following generally accepted rules, which I'm happy to share with my fellow BALLERS:

• Most (yes, even most BREEDERS) agree that bringing kids/bebes to a straight up bar (i.e. High Dive, Commonwealth, etc) is pretty retarded. Though a small subset of this group maintains that if a bebe is brought to a bar during the day, and is young enough to be in a sling or openly breast feeding at the table in front of everyone whether you like or not, it is also acceptable.

• Where shit gets tricky is at places like Union Hall, or your afore mentioned Dram Shop. Yes, they are bars, but they also serve food. Now Blognigger, way back when, attempted to draft a contract among the citizens of Park Slope that laid out very specifically which spots were considered BREEDER turf and which spots were considered BALLER turf. But now his site is down and chaos has, clearly ensued. In the meantime, BALLERS are encouraged to utilize EXTREME caution when entering and/or considering patronizing any bars that also serve food before 5pm, as you will face a 41% likelihood that there will childrens chillin there. After 5pm, your percentage drops down to only a 17% likelihood of running into devil spawn, but again, it depends on the spot. Keep in mind that the more food the joint serves, the higher your chances are for childrens chillin. If you notice a "kids menu," you obvs need to abort your mission immeds.

So yeah Concerned South Sloper, your best bet is to find a spot that's a full on bar, which will increase your chances of peace and quiet. Of course, when you're hungry you're hungry so I understand how your ass ended up at the Dram Shop--you just need to keep in mind that all of those bar/restaurant hybrids are open season for the bebes. And in case you missed the memo, the following Park Slope establishments are to be avoided AT ALL COSTS, AT ALL TIMES by any and all self-respecting BALLERS:

• Two Boots
• Dizzy's
• La Villa
• Pizza Plus
• Daisy's Diner
• the Teat Lounge (between the hours of 10am and 6pm on all weekdays; go there on the weekend at your own risk).

Good luck, Concerned South Sloper! (and let me know if you have any questions).

OH, p.s.!: loved seeing this Tweet today from @xmatt about a bartender at Pacific Standard who "politiely" ejected a mom and her screaming kids today. Pacific Standard is officially the latest recipient of our coveted BALLER Seal of Approval. Go to Pacific Standard, people. Drink lots of shit there and tip your bartenders...they deserve it.