[Trying To Get Fucked In Park Slope] Wing Woman

Oh hi. Remember how we used to have that lil ole column about some anon single dude in Park Slope who was always trying to find love get fucked? Well, yeah...it's back. Only now we have a single chick instead of a single dude and spoiler alert: she's way the hell more interesting. Behold, the old new adventures of MF, trying to get fucked in good ole Park Slope.

Hey guys, do you find yourselves constantly rejected by the women you want to date?
Does it seem impossible to make that tough transition from platonic pal into fellated fellow?
Do you have at least 20 dollars (American)?

If you answered "yes" to at least one of these questions, then we have a solution for you...

A Wing Woman!

A Wing Woman is a female bearing a certain level of attractiveness that will accompany you to public places and social gatherings.* (*for a nominal fee)

Now, I know what you're thinking,"How is hanging out with a good-looking girl going to prompt other women to notice me?"

The answer is simple...women despise one another!

Instead of fostering a supportive sisterhood, females have decreed that be it strappy sandals, designer decor or a human husband, nothing is off limits to pillage, pilfer or plunder in the pursuit to have it all! And with a Wing Woman, you can be allll that!

Still not convinced?

Look, stupid, when you read a book in the park, run your daily errands, or help an elderly lady cross the street, single women think you're a rapist.
However, once you show some superficial senoritas, that you are desirable to another woman, they will be unable to resist you!

What, do I need to draw you a picture? Here is some actual testimony from unsuspecting females:

"Joe and I met through mutual friends. I never found him to be attractive, funny, smart, or interesting. I didn't like the way he smelled, thought he lacked ironically-styled facial hair, and whenever he spoke about tedious topics like his volunteer work with the homeless, I daydreamed about stabbing him in the mouth with my salad fork, to keep him from boring me to death!

Then the darndest thing happened. I ran into him at a High Dive a few weeks ago, and he was with a girl. Not just any girl...she was a knockout!

I figured if this stunning woman wanted Joe then there must be something about him that is worthwhile. I somehow couldn't see those qualities the sixteen other times we hung out, but now that someone else fancied him, I knew he was a great catch. The best part was, if I could lure him away from such a gorgeous girlfriend then I one-up the bitch and become more attractive by default.

I decided right then and there that I needed to be with him, so I followed him into the bathroom and gave him a hand job. We've been together ever since."
-Tara from South Slope

"I used to think that the Crispin Glover look-a-like who stalks me was crazy, but now I see that he's crazy...HOT! When I spied him digging through my trash with a bodacious blonde, I realized that maybe he was just a big teddy bear after all. Now we spend lazy Sundays together - I work on the Times Crossword Puzzle while he snips the eyes out of pictures of jaunty toddlers from Toys R' Us circulars. We're a perfect match!"
-Kelsey from Windsor Terrace

Tim from Prospect Heights says:
"I was obsessed with Sheila, the barista at S'Nice. She and I share similar tastes in music and authors, but any time I tried to engage her in conversation, she seemed irritated and disinterested. Then one day I brought Tina, my Wing Woman to the coffee shop, and Sheila asked if I wanted cream...HER cream in my coffee! Here I was, wasting my time attempting to use common interests and trying to get to know my crush on a respectful level. Boy was I a lunkhead! Never again! Thank you Wing Woman!"

Wing Woman...it's the way to show her that what she didn't care to have and clearly never wanted, makes for a happy ending...your happy ending!

Operators are standing by!