THE PROSPECT PARK BIKE LANE WILL KILL YOU! Or Whatever!

A couple of things that amaze me:

1) Salmon return to the place of their birth to die.

2) CBS 2 News reporter Marcia Kramer seems to get younger as the years go by.

3) And… I’m writing, once again, about this GODDAMNNED BIKE LANE on Prospect Park West.

Ok so here’s the shovel full of cow shit I have for you this week: apparently people are still taking video footage of the PPW bike lane (because it’s not psychotic enough for a bike lane to take up this much of your headspace), and after weeks of fishing, they F-I-N-A-L-L-Y caught a big mother fuckin’ fish: an ambulance using the controversial bike lane to avoid a traffic jam!

Annnnnd commence Neighbors for Better Bike Lanes switching their cry baby bullshit into high gear. GO.

With violins a strummin’ these jokers claim that this bike lane is now endangering people's lives by not allowing proper access to emergency vehicles and even those leprous bikers themselves will be plowed down should an ambulance have to use the lane in an emergency.

My friends at Gothamist bring up a good point: the video is only shot at one angle, because apparently assholes are lazy. How do we know there wasn’t an accident up ahead that was causing the jam? Honestly, did these people on NBBL work for the Bush Administration, because I think they’re awesome at “interpreting" data.

When shopping around for a local news outlet to get their Bible-sized plight out onto the airwaves, Sue Simmons thankfully told them to get a life (cause my girl knows what’s good), but those suckers at the Tiffany Network had nothing better to do and put Marcia Kramer on it. You can snooze through that story here.

Now that I’ve examined this controversy from all angles, I’ve decided that bike lanes don’t cause traffic; traffic circles cause traffic. All those lights and people haphazardly merging on and off, switching lanes. And really they’re a real obstacle course for ambulances rushing around to save lives.

So I’m starting a group called Assholes for Better Traffic Circles (ABTC). Except I don’t want to make them better, I want to eliminate the motherfuckers. Take them shits out completely, the city never consulted me on whether or not I wanted them and they stress me out when I have to drive through them. The thought of navigating Grand Army Plaza literally keeps me up at night. So, FYI: I’ll be suing the DOT to remove all 3 of them from around Prospect Park. Fuck Frederick Law Olmsted.

Sound crazy? Join the fucking crazy club cause we’re going to kick this shit up a notch.