Whole Foods Really, Really, Really Wants You to Like Them.

Photo via NY Mag

The New York Times is promising us that a vote is imminent-ish on the 3rd Avenue Whole Foods cluster fuck.   Please, dear sweet baby Jeebus, let this be so. This whole ordeal has become completely exhausting.  If someone told me that I had six months to live, I would ask them to start talking to me about the 3rd Avenue Whole Foods project, because that would be the longest fucking six months of my entire pathetic, miserable life. 

So, thank you, New York Times, for letting us know that this battle is drawing to a close.  And fuck you, New York Times, for letting us know that this battle is drawing to a close.  Because now we have to blog about this shit, again. Like we did the last time. And the time before that. And the other time, when we wrote this.

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The Artists and Factories (And This Contributor) Vs. Whole Foods

Via www.crainsnewyork.com

Because there's no where else in Brooklyn to get organic produce, except for, you know, all of the places that sell organic produce, Whole Foods is continuing it's long, hard-fought battle to open a 58,000 square foot grocery store in Gowanus. The space they want is only zoned for 10,000 square feet of commercial retail space, but Whole Foods is hell bent on settling there, perhaps because the nearby canal makes its own unique form of compost tea.  

Whole Foods recently took another run at the windmill (and by "windmill" I mean "Board of Standards and Appeals"), only to find that a coalition of artists and light industrial business owners have joined together to oppose the construction of a gigantic grocery store at 3rd and 3rd.

Here's what each side is arguing.

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'Gettin Real in the Whole Foods Parking Lot'

BWHAHHHAHHHHHHHAAAAA!

True, this dude is singin about Whole Foods in LA, but still: I'm guessing this is pretty much EXACTLY how shit is gonna go down in the Gowanus/Park Slope Whole Foods too.

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Who Gives A Shit: Are You Still Excited For Gowanus Whole Foods?

Photo Via www.crainsnewyork.com

After years of Will-They-Won't-They, Ross and Rachel Whole Foods finally got its shit together and was full steam ahead on making the anticipated Gowanus location a reality. However, in the same amount of time that the natural food market has been dilly dallying about whether or not to set up shop in Gowanus, Cobble Hill got a Trader Joe's and Red Hook got a Fairway. My theory is that the folk over at WF just needed proof that Brooklynites actually buy fancy ass groceries, but according to the company it was the sheer cost of the project that delayed it for so long. At a Community Board meeting last Thursday, Whole Foods execs cited the need for massive environmental cleanup near the canal and said that unless the property was rezoned to accommodate a 56,000 sq foot retail space - instead of the 10,000 sq feet that had been approved initially - they would face "financial hardship."

UM, maybe don't buy land adjacent to A GIANT CESSPOOL?! 

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Whole Foods Construction!

image via BrownstonerIs fucking NOWHERE!

Sign claims that in 12 months there's gonna be a supermarket sitting right here. Uhm....riiiiiiight.

(via Brownstoner)

And just for funzies, here's some updated photos of the Barclay's Center (via Curbed NY).