Whole Foods Really, Really, Really Wants You to Like Them.

Photo via NY Mag

The New York Times is promising us that a vote is imminent-ish on the 3rd Avenue Whole Foods cluster fuck.   Please, dear sweet baby Jeebus, let this be so. This whole ordeal has become completely exhausting.  If someone told me that I had six months to live, I would ask them to start talking to me about the 3rd Avenue Whole Foods project, because that would be the longest fucking six months of my entire pathetic, miserable life. 

So, thank you, New York Times, for letting us know that this battle is drawing to a close.  And fuck you, New York Times, for letting us know that this battle is drawing to a close.  Because now we have to blog about this shit, again. Like we did the last time. And the time before that. And the other time, when we wrote this.

So, you know, bottom line -- while the artists and light manufacturers in the neighborhood continue to do battle with Whole Foods, Whole Foods is still trying to explain that they're not a big chain grocery store. They may be a union-busting national corporation, but they want to bring jobs to 3rd Avenue. They really want to be part of the community, you know? Whole Foods is kind of the Mitt Romney of grocery stores, in this regard. They keep saying how connected they are to you and me, and then, to illustrate they point, they mention that their wife drives "a couple of Cadillacs, actually."  I mean, you know, they would totally say that, like, if grocery stores had wives or could drive cars.

Still, it'd be a shame (and by "a shame," I mean "kind of hilarious") if they spent all that money cleaning up toxic waste on that block, only to find that the permit is denied. That'd be rich and organic, huh? "Oh, thanks Whole Foods for cleaning up all those toxic chemicals, but this whole thing is still not approved." Better yet, why don't we tell them they can build their monstrous $8-per-lb. salad bar just one block over, so long as they clean up the toxic waste on that block first? Then we pull the rug out from under them and tell them to move down the street another block. Just a few more decades, and we'd probably be able to convince them to clean the whole damned superfund site!