JOANN FROM BENSONHURST IS MY HERO

I can't imagine you were watching the Fox 5 News at 10 last night. I wasn't either, but the teeves was on that channel when I flicked it on, and I happened to catch their new segment called City Rant! The premise is simple: Fox gives a local New Yorker a platform to rant, and they bitch and moan about a number of topics. For their inaugural broadcast, they introduced us to Joann from Bensonhurst.

Ladies and gentleman, meet my new hero:

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The Magic 8 Ball Sounds Off on The PPW Bike Lane Controversy

Oh look! People are still bitching about the *new* bike lane on Prospect Park West! I can’t imagine why...Park Slopers are normally so good at letting things slide (I really wish there was a font for sarcasm).

Ok so I’ll make this quick: Apparently a group has formed called “Neighbors for Better Bike Lanes” and they claim that after months of harassing the DOT for statistics about how this bike lane was worth every last drop of blood spilled from all the first born sons of PPW residents that they were fed a pack of lies. When the DOT finally provided speeding statistics like “one in five cars now speeds compared to the three out of four
who used to.” The NBBL cried “BULLSHIT!” They wanted to see real stats not silly ones. Who cares if out of a survey of 3000 Brooklynites, ¾ supported the bike lane? That can’t be real.

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I Heart Park Slope Because It Sucks Less Than Manhattan

Never have I felt as much affection for my Park Slope neighbors as I did after this weekend's trip to the shitshow that is the meatpacking district.

I obviously needed a reminder. I'm sorry, new mommies, for kind of hating you this week. 'Cause for every entitled asshole in the slope, THERE ARE AT LEAST 50 in the five block radius my impressionable tween and I walked this Saturday afternoon.

"Mom, what does pretentious mean?"

Yeah, good question.

Honestly, what the fuck has happened to this city? It was like a prep school reunion. A frat party. A fashion magazine spread.

I have decided that from now on, I will only wear florals and gingham when crossing over to the island. Maybe a pinafore. As a matter of fact, I'm going online to the Lily Pulitzer store right after I finish this post because I am embarrassed, I tell you, embarrassed at how monochromatic my city is becoming.

I felt as apart as the couple from Toledo: eyes wide, Wicked playbill in the guy's back pocket.

Even as gentrified and white as we seem most of the time in Park Slope, there are still NORMAL people here. People who stop and listen to the spiel of the ubiquitous causey representatives that litter our sidewalks. People who care about shit beyond how much shit they have. Our hair is still in desperate need of dye at times, our clothes schlubby and not always black, our unibrows untweezed, eyes bespectacled.

On the loooooonnnng subway ride home, the lights flickered and when they came back on, people looked like themselves again. Perfectly imperfect. 

Okay, carry on.

C-Town Cashiers: What's The Deal?

I adore Steve's C-Town.  I really do.  I know I shat on it in this post, but once I realized I was racking up $30 weekly Whole Foods purchases for soy milk, bran flakes, and grapes (corporate America blah blah), I swiftly discovered how great C-Town actually is.  Except one detail.  Their cashiers are the nastiest group of people on the earth.  And these folks agree.

I tried to ignore it.  Tried to kill 'em with kindness.  Tried to put myself in their shoes, and acknowledge how much their jobs suck (I have plenty of respect for grocery store employees; tons of my friends did it growing up, and it was my mom's first job, too).  But nothing's worked.  And last night, after a completely stone-silent transaction wherein the cashier did not acknowledge me for a solid minute while she picked at her nails and gossiped with her friend, I'm over it.

Really, ladies, what's the point?  I'm not exactly looking to be treated like a princess, and I'll cut you slack for having a shitty day now and then; lord knows when I worked retail during college, I'd occasionally take out my narcissistic angst on a poor elementary school teacher just trying to buy an iBook.  Look.  I get it.  But like, Jesus fucking Christ.  EVERY TIME.

Do they just hate me or is this a thing for everyone?

[R'uh R'oh] Mission Dolores Trouble Ahead?

click to enlargeAs previously mentioned, I loved the shit out of Mission Dolores, the new outdoor boor on 4th Ave btween President and Carroll.

Buuut, it seems like there already might be some trouble brewing amongst some unhappy neighbors who aren't digging all the noise.

Behold the above sign, which is currently hanging in the lobby of a nearby building that faces the back of MD.

People are looking to get organized....and shit might get real serious, real fast.

I hope you can take the heat, MD....cause I love you longtime.