How To Gentrify Your Neighborhood

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Park Slope Is Officially Filthy Rich

Updated on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 6:05PM by Allison

Prospect Park @ Garfield EntranceSomeone was having a little fun, because we've got some new signage at the Garfield entrance of Prospect Park. 

I guess this was meant to celebrate our official status as a former middle-class hood that's completely lost its middle (or most of it anyway). Must be all that kickboxing and pilates and, yes, Brownstone Brooklyn is way richer than it was 10 years ago.

My anecdotal findings that we're over capacity on spoiled and assy neighbors have been confirmed by actual census data.  It's scientifically verified that for every departing retiree, legal aid lawyer, social worker, freelancing artsy-fartsy, and teacher—a group who in years past made up the backbone of our lost paradise of Park Slope—two professionals with entitlement issues and narcissistic tendencies have moved in. And they're having fewer kids on whom to shower their largesse and attention upon.

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Walmart vs. Brooklyn: Joe Holtz Votes for Shop Rite

Wow, I can't believe I actually just watched the live webcast of the City Council Walmart hearing concerning whehter or not they should be allowed to come to  and it was RIVETING. I mean it. It was some really entertaining reality TV. Way better than Erica's beloved Real Housewives.

There was the rabid republican 9/11 union construction worker who played both the 9/11 *and* the Muslim cards in his efforts to sing the praises of Walmart. There were the dudes from the hood who had gone on a Walmart-paid fact-finding mission in Arkansas, and came home saying Walmart is promising to hire all the ex-cons in Brownsville AND send them all to college. And if they don't, TROUBLE, big trouble, "25 to life" kind of trouble. You feelin' me? There was the awesome husband/wife team of city councilman and assembly woman who both spoke eloquently,smartly and specifically against Walmart. And also they called each other "sweetheart" and "love of my life" and shit. 

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I Feel Really Weird About Going Into My Old Korean Deli While I'm Carrying Bags From Union Market

Back in the day I used to go to my 11th street bodega for everything. It was way closer, cheaper, and friendlier than Dagastino's near 6th, and jesus god did I hate that overpriced shithole. I was so psyched when I first discovered the 11th street place- decent vegetables, organic milk, good selection of cleaning shit; all-in-all a great place for the midweek re-stock.

But damn, when I heard they were opening a Union Market on 7th? I was ecstatic. That's when the South Slope really arrived. Fuck gentrification guilt and all that bullshit - I'm over it. If we gonna do this, we gonna do this, I don't give a fuck I'll say it: I love Union Market. Ok, so it's expensive as hell, but you get what you're gouged for. What's your other option? Yeah, like I'm gonna get lox and whitefish from a place that sells lotto.

Anyway, I've been friendly with the eccentric Mr. Miagi character at the 11th street place for years now. So even when I knew I'd be getting organic Romaine and Dagoba Chocolate instead of his stank Nestle, I always swore I'd go back to 11th street regularly for stock items and to support the local business.

And I do still represent - I go there for shit like GOYA BLACK BEANS (better and cheaper than any organic-ass shit you can get at Union Markup or Fairway) So I walk in with fifty dollars worth of groceries from Union Market, and holding my gigantic plastic bags of yuppie organic bounty, I pay him a dollar-thirty-five for a can of beans. That includes tax.

Now mind you, he's never said anything to make me feel bad. In my fantasy though, he's going through my bags saying "whata-this? You can a-buy tomato *here* we have tomato... Milk you buy-a here, we *have*!! Next time you buy from ME ok!?"

He's never said anything like that. Regardless though, I feel like he's starting right into the double-bagged designer plastic, burning a hole clear through my avocado butter.

I feel totally weird and self-conscious going in there like that. I suppose I could hide the bags at home, but fuck that; I'm not makin a second trip just for black beans.