Shared Hatred for Time Warner Will Make Patrick Stewart Your BFF

"We hate all the same things!" (via subspacecomms.com)

Ever since the baddest, baldest, bardiest Star Trek captain ever joined the USS Park Slope Enterprise this summer, I know we've all longed for only one thing: to become his best friend. 

Well, fair Park Slopers, I've got a foolproof plan. Hear me out.

First, the background, as reported on Betabeat: Professor X himself sent out a psychic emanation (read: tweet), elegantly bitch-slapping one of our most be-hated institutions -- Time Warner -- for totally dicking him around re: his cable. 

Twatted the Shakespearean: "All I wanted to do was set up a new account with @TWCable_NYC but 36hrs later I've lost the will to live."

Then, he killed himself. (Jk! Suicide jokes!)

Time Warner, realizing that you can't treat famous, rich gentrifiers the way you treat average gentrifiers went on to apologize (both within and without the fluttery blue wings of the twitterverse). 

Doesn't matter. Picard's on our side, now. Soon, we will invite him over to watch Sunday Night Football on our satellite televisions. We will sup on Joe's of the Village Pizza. And we will discuss the best places for Park Slope coffee and, "Oh, hey, whaddayaknow, is this a lifesize cutout of a certain Starfleet captain that maybe someone could sign, maybeitisidontknow!"

Here's the plan: We're all New Yorkers (of varying vintages). So, we know how to complain. See, he's in our neighborhood. He seethes with Time Warner butt-hurt. All we have to do is complain non-stop about their monopoly in public places. He's bound to overhear one of us at some point. Standing in line at Gorrilla. Catching a BRIC concert. Gawking at Steve Buscemi. And then, BOOM: instant conversation and deep, lifelong bond.

"Oh, I totes know what you mean, dude!" he'll say. (I assume that's how he talks.)

"Right? You are so right. We are both so right about this, Mr....oh, do I know you from somewhere?"

*deep, baritone laughter* "Oh, perhaps. Perhaps you know me from...SPACE." *makes Vulcan salute*

Boom, he's godfather to your children.

The caveat to all of this, of course, is that whoever actually succeeds in meeting the great man using my (amazing) plan, has to promise to introduce him to the rest of us. Well, actually -- just to me. One of you has to introduce him to me. Then, I'll see what I can do about the rest of you.

Ok, we're good with the plan?

Engage. (There it is!)