My Mom Died, And Now I'm More Of An Asshole [TMI]

4 years ago today my mom, Marcia Goldstein died of Multiple Myeloma. On the death of her anniversary, I like to write about the shit I'm going through, in the hopes it might help anyone else who's going through shit too.

You know how I talk about how my dog has made me a way better person? Well this whole mom dying bullshit has had the opposite effect. I'm pretty sure it's made me way more of an asshole than I already was (which is no small feat). Here's are some examples of my ongoing assholedom:

1. I don't really want the medical community to find a cure for the cancer that killed my mom.

Or maybe I do...but like after I die.

I'm such a fucking bitch, right??

I mean, I hear all of these stories about all of these people who deal with a loved one dying and then start foundations, donate millions of dollars, and dedicate hospital wings. And quite frankly, all I can think of whenever I see an article about progress that's being made in Multiple Myeloma cancer research is: FUCK. THAT. NOISE.

This shit KILLED my mother! And took her away from me for-everrrrrr! And now bitches are making progress!? Well LA TI DA! How in the hell am I supposed to get excited about progress that's being made NOW!? Four years too fucking late!?

And then sometimes I stop myself from going there in my head...and try to reason with my own totally fucked up brain: "But Erica, think about it: do you really want anyone else to have to go through the same thing you and your family did?" And then my totally fucked up brain (TFUB) is like "Well, I guess not, but also: THIS SHIT ISN'T FAIR. And I don't know all those other people!" And then the semi-non-fucked up part of my brain is all: "Seriously?? You're gonna get into this whole wah, wah, wah, 'It's not fair' bullshit?? And then TFUB is like "YES, MOTHERFUCKERS....IT'S. NOT. FAIR." And then the semi-non-fucked up part of my brain is all: "You're an asshole."

2. Breast Cancer annoys the living shit out of me.

Look, I don't *like* breast cancer or anything. I hate all cancers, but that's exactly my point. I hate ALL cancers.

Based on the amount of attention paid to Breast Cancer, I'm surprised anyone has heard of any other cancer... E-V-E-R. Not sure why or how, but Breast cancer has become the annoying sorority girl of all cancers. It's like the Kim Kardashian of cancer....you see it EVERYWHERE and after awhile, you just want it to go away.  It's been embraced by the fashion industry, and the publishing industry, and entertainment industry, and the sports industry, and with all the progress that's been made, it's not even remotely close to the deadliest of all cancers. And yes: you can make the argument that it's because of all this attention that all the progress has been made...and you might even be right. However, it's also time for us to MOVE THE HELL ALONG.

I'm not saying don't continue breast cancer research, duh. But also: can you spread the fucking love around a bit more!? And I know this is in stark contrast to what I just said above about me *not* wanting the medical community to come up with a cure for Multiple Myeloma, but also this is the non-totally-fucked up part of my brain speaking right now.

3. Cemetaries Make Me wanna kick a puppy.

I haven't been back to my mom's grave since her unveiling one year after she passed away (that's when Jews do this ceremony to "unveil" the headstone). I'm not sure I'll ever go back.

I mean, it's not like I'm avoiding the place (though yes: it's a plane ride away down in Florida), but also I HATE IT THERE.

While I'm not super spirtual, I definitely believe that this world we're livin in is not IT. Like I believe our spirits live on, and I like watching John Edward-n-shit. I know that my mom is still around, and still with me, and going to the cemetery is just so friggin weird for me. Cause I know she's not there. And it almost feels like going to visit a fountain in the park or something. And I HAAAATE when people ask me if I go there a lot. Cause I tell them the truth and then I feel like they're judging me for not going a lot.

4. I play the math game allllllll the time.

Here's how it works: I meet someone, or I overhear someone on the street, or I'm watching a show on TV and someone says "my mom is 88! God bless her!" Then I start calculating.

• My mom died when she was 55
• Their mom is 88
• So they've already gotten an extra 33 years more than I got with my mom
• I would be 67 years old if my mom lived to 88

And then I start feeling kind of angry about it. And maybe I even get angry at the person who said that their mom was 88 for a minute or two. I mean, how retarded is that???

And yet if I'm being really honest, it happens...like maybe once a week. And I do get angry. And I do these stupid calculations all the time (and I even suck at math!)

And then, yep: I feel more like an asshole.

Le sigh.

It's been four years now, and I still miss her like whoa.