MANHATTAN IS DUNZO: BEST BROOKLYN GEAR

You only go into Manhattan for work.  You've broken up friendships because you refuse to meet up "in the city" on weekends.  You have gotten into actual arguments with loved ones over why New Jersey is the worst place on planet Earth.

You are a Brooklyn snob.

Wait, is that redundant?  Who cares.  Embrace your douchebaggery!  Advertise your love of Brooklyn and your hatred for everything else with the best Brooklyn gear money can buy. 

Fun fact: if you type "Brooklyn" into Etsy, you're going to sift through a lot of shit like this:

1. Yes, that is a bad painting of Jesus, a rainbow, and the former World Trade Center towers.

2. Yes, that is a man's crotch in some ridiculous leggings that are not supposed to be worn as a joke.

Potential Regretsy entries aside, what screams "BROOKLYN" more than bicycles, canvas totes, ironic t-shirts, self-righteousness, and possibly a big tub of Sabra hummus?  Nothing, obviously.

So check it out: here's a round-up of the best Brooklyn gear to show your smug neighborhood pride. 

1. Stoops tee ($25, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn): Maybe you can hang out on your stoop and take in the splendor of the neighborhood.  Maybe you can't, because your stoop is commandeered by a tiny Spanish market that your neighbors set up every weekend.  "Hey didn't I throw out that broken air conditioner last week?" you ask yourself.  "Funny how it has a $50 price tag on it now!"  Whatever your terrible living situation may be, you can't argue that there's nothing more iconic to Brooklyn than a bunch of stoops.  This t-shirt gives them their time in the sun.       

2. Brooklyn wine tote ($13, MapTotes): You can't be a true Brooklyner without having a collection of around 400 canvas totes.  You know you have one.  Everyone does.  You weren't even TRYING to collect them.  They just amassed somehow, like that lump on the back of your neck or the girls from 16 and Pregnant.  They're shoved in your closet or behind your refrigerator, and they say a variety of douchey phrases intended to declare your individuality.  "This is not a plastic bag," it says.  Cool, I have eyes, thanks.  This canvas wine tote does two things: declares your love of your neighborhood for the world to see, and allows you to carry around your booze in something other than a paper bag.  Oh, you fancy, huh?  

3. Brooklyn Subway Roll print ($39, Going Underground): Most of the time, you'd like to forget that you spend almost two hours of every day on the subway, breathing in the smell of piss and trying desperately not to touch anything.  But if you're a sucker for typography, this print is a handsome way to embrace the MTA, you know, without getting bed bugs. 

4. Hoods on Wood ($18 each, John W. Golden): No fancy shit here.  These are literally blocks of wood with names of different Brooklyn neighborhoods printed on them.  You can buy a bunch and stack them, or you can just buy the "Park Slope" one.  Man oh man, think about all of the people who will think you're super cool when they see you have a big block of wood that says "PARK SLOPE" on it.  ZERO.   

5. Brooklyn flask ($45, City Bitz): Look, sometimes it's hard to make it through the day.  Sometimes, you need a little "nip" as your grandfather would call it.  Guzzle some hooch on the street or behind your desk at work in style with this Brooklyn flask.  It says, "Yeah, I may or may not be nursing an alcohol problem, but I am also aloof and own a lot of plaid."   

6. Dear Manhattan poster ($24, Fourth Floor Print Shop): What's up, Manhattan?! You suck!  Think of the people you know who live in Manhattan.  All dbags, right?  Exactly.  Sure, a lot of good things are located in Manhattan, but it is also home to Times Square, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is unforgivable.  

7. Spike Lee tote ($15.99, Bad Ass Bags 4 U): When you told your family you were moving to Brooklyn, they were horrified.  They are from middle America, and everything they know about Brooklyn can be summed up by whatever "Spike Lee Joint" they watched by accident when it was on HBO.  Drug deals!  Race riots!  Drive-bys!  Honor old Brooklyn with this Spike Lee tote while you're leaving your organic grocery store before heading into an expensive frozen yogurt shop.    

8. Water tower cards ($5, Walk-Up Press): Arguably the most iconic symbol of Brooklyn, there's not much to say about these water tower cards except for the fact that they're great, and that in general, people should send each other cards more often.   

9. Bike brooch ($41.80, Daniel Darby Jewelry): If you are so into bicycling that you would buy a bicycle brooch, I have the sneaking suspicion that you won't find many occasions in which you're wearing a blazer.  You could probably pin this to your messenger bag, though.  It'd look great next to all of those punk rock and rainbow flag pins.  

10. Faune Yerby photo collage ($82, Cog & Pearl): You're an adult now, so you're looking for something to replace your giant Scarface poster that was a hold-over from college, back before you realized what good movies were.  These photo collages are gorgeous and can be bought right here in Park Slope at Cog & Pearl.  Get on it.  

11. Brooklyn Bridge ring ($16, Plastique): Brass knuckle rings are hi-larious if you don't know the real reason why they exist in the first place, which is "to preserve and concentrate a punch's force by directing it toward a harder and smaller contact area, resulting in increased tissue disruption, including an increased likelihood of fracturing the victim's bones on impact."  Badass.  While you are a 24-year-old woman who does not frequently come upon hand-to-hand combat (except at a sample sale, right? LOL), you can pull pretty much anything off because you are young and beautiful.  

For more suggestions on cool shit you can buy, head over to You're Welcome, and follow Amanda on Twitter @amandawaas.