Holiday Gift FIPStravaganza: Day One [Co-Workers-n-BREEDERS]
This is our week-long dive head first into the trenches of holiday gift shopping, Park Slope style. Buy local, bitches! Unless, of course, you enjoy walking past empty storefronts every ten feet. In today's edition we cover annoying co-workers and BREEDERS.
For the co-worker you hate but have to pretend to like:
We’ve all got ‘em. They’re constantly talking, and whether or not you’re actually listening (you’ve got your headphones on for Christ’s sake!), it doesn’t matter to them.
When they’re not guilting you into coming out after work for happy hour, they’re dragging you into the bathroom to tell you some benign bit of gossip that you don’t care about. So what do you get for someone who you really just want to go away? Like forever. Someone for whom, let's just say, if you got an ALL STAFF high priority email sadly alerting you to the fact that they got hit by a bus on their way to work, you wouldn’t be *all* that upset? Office politics dictate that you have to get them something anyway, so here’s some stuff that will get you off the hook and get them off your back (at least for five goddamned minutes):
Everyone loves coffee, right? RIGHT? (see cute NYC subway map mug above). A coffee mug is probably the safest gift to get someone in the office that you don’t really know (or care to know), because it fits into office culture so well, but isn’t as crass as throwing a pack of BIC pens on their desk and screaming, “MERRY CHRISTMAS, DICKHEAD.”
Lumiere (238 7th Ave. between 4th and 5th Sts) offers up a decent selection of coffee mugs, all for $15.
If you’re buying a present for your boss, a ceramic “We are happy to serve you” mug can be found at Matter (227 5th Ave. at the corner of President St.) for $13.50—a gift that provides you with a much-needed passive-aggressive outlet for your growing anger about your indentured servitude.
And while we’re talking about coffee, if you’re not feeling the mug idea, why don’t you just pick up a bag of coffee (you’re obviously not going to buy a mug AND coffee, right? Who are you, a fucking kiss ass?).
You can pick up a 16oz bag for $11.99 at Gorilla Coffee (97 5th Ave. at Baltic St). I have no fucking clue where you work, but I'm guessing this shit would be way better than the coffee-flavored beverine they serve now (thank you, once again, The Simpsons—“I take my coffee gray, with cremium”). If you want to go all out, pick up a gift box for $38.50 (includes 1lb. of coffee in a mega-cool box), and put all of your other dbag co-workers to shame.
If coffee’s not your style, The Clay Pot (162 7th Ave between 1st St. and Garfield) has some work-related bottle cap magnet sets by Kate Grenier for $18. One of them even says, “I <3 my job,” which is funny, because it’s not true.
For the breeder friend and/or their bitch-ass kids:
I hear that when you have a baby, your whole life gets swallowed up by the little bundle of "joy." The good news for you, as the gift giver, is that now whenever you buy shit, you don’t even really need to consider what your friend wants. They want whatever will make their child look adorable, right? And even for dbags like me with hearts of stone, looking at tiny baby clothes kind of melts the heart. Also because you can drop off the gift and then leave before the screaming and crying gets really annoying, it’s a win-win situation:
Brooklyn Industries (206 5th Ave. at Union St. or 328 7th Ave. at 9th St. AND 328 7th Ave. at 9th St.) is known for having stylish, hipster clothing and cool Brooklyn-specific graphic t-shirts. But good news!--they also have baby clothes. You can pick up a “Made in Brooklyn” onesie for $25 and your friends can fondly remember the night of their baby’s conception (in the unisex bathroom at Union Hall, no doubt). Also for $25, they have another onesie with a Beastie Boys send-up, “No Sleep Till.” There’s a women’s t-shirt equivalent of this onesie for $34, so you can buy both and Mom and baby can be matchy-matchy together—so adorable that everyone who sees it will probably puke.
Speaking of adorable, check out the hand-knit monster hats at Firefly (240 7th Ave. between 4th and 5th Sts) for $32. We were told that they’re made in Peru and they’re not made of wool, so it’s not itchy for tiny, bald, sensitive baby heads.
When you’re done at Firefly, head down the block to Carmen’s (200 7th Ave. between 2nd and 3rd Sts.) and pick up a Kidorable dinosaur raincoat for $36. The dinosaurs on the jacket are pockets! The shoulders have little dino spikes! The kid with this raincoat will be the cutest one at preschool...trust. Then they can tell those other little classmate bitches of theirs to suck it.
And once you’ve got that kid decked out in all these cute new clothes, you might wanna do your BREEDER friends a solid and make an appointment to take them down to Stomping Ground (162 16th St. between 4th and 5th Aves) for a unique portrait session. Just plan a covert operation where you offer to take the kid to Two Boots for lunch and go and get the portraits done instead. Your friend will be so excited to have an hour to herself that she won’t even question your motives. For $175, you get one 8x10 portrait, one 5x7 portrait, and a set of four wallet-sized photos. And with the ridiculously cute photos that Stomping Ground turns out, you better believe you'll get voted friend of the year.
You’re welcome.
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