Hey Park Slope...Yelp It!

When it comes to food reviews, everybody knows that the world's most trusted source for unbiased opinions is Yelp. Bored of going to al di la every night and looking for a new place to try? YELP IT! Curious about what REALLY goes on at Thistle Hill Tavern? YELP IT! Don't give a shit about food but are still looking for a good laugh? YELP IT!

Earlier this month, Uproxx tipped the world off to this awesomely-revealing Yelp review of Park Slope's Taco Santo, penned by up-and-coming Yelp critic Ross F:

"The entire kitchen and wait staff saw an ice cream truck and ran outside, leaving me alone in the restaurant. 10 minutes later they all came back with ice cream cones. I still can't believe this actually happened."

I don't see what the big deal is. Ice cream is awesome and if you don't abandon your restaurant to get some, there's a pretty good chance that you'll never have the chance to eat ice cream again.

Taco Santo isn't the only place in Park Slope where shenanigans abound, so in honor of Ross's groundbreaking review, we've rounded up a few of our favorite recent Yelp reviews for your gratification…

This past summer, Rob A. stopped by Chip Shop to enjoy some of their WHOLLY AUTHENTIC fried British fare. The entire experience ended up being way more expensive than Rob bargained for:

"I got a rock in my food. It was busy that night so I didn't say anything, but I wish I had because the rock did significant damage to my teeth. All in all, it cost me an extra $875 to eat here thanks to the dentist bill."

Yikes. I guess it could be worse. You could be Justin L., who went to Bonnie's Grill and ended up with a burger inflicted with a life-threatening disease:

"This place has awesome wings and fries. However, the burger I had was a huge disappointment. Never had a burger this bad in my life. I ordered my burger medium well and got a burger that was cremated. Even my friend who had ordered his medium, got a burnt burger. We dubbed it the cancer burger."

Even if a restaurant's food is on point, there's always the chance that the service will suck. Luckily, when they come across supbar service, Yelp reviewers aren't shy about speaking up. Take the experience that lover of embellished adjectives & "native female 37-year old New Yorker and successful business woman" Maresa P had at Franny's:

“As we were finishing our meal, my friend's girlfriend arrived and wanted a snack. Sounded good. I could have had a sweet treat to compliment the good meal I'd just inhaled, perhaps along with another cocktail. Instead, a bitchy-too-young-for-her-own-underwhelming-­attitude Manager came to our table and told us that we had to leave because there was a line for the table.”

Maresa probably should have gone to 12th Street Bar & Grill, where things didn't go so well for John O. Maresa, on the other hand, could've bonded with the bartender over NYC cred:

"We arrive to a blackout drunk bartender who then proceeds to verbally abuse me and my friend for no apparent reason. She eventually shuts up and then proceeds to spill our 3/4th filled beers over to us. Upon drunkenly trying to engage us again and being rebuked, she then threatens to punch my friend in the face. We were then lectured that she is 'FROM THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!'"

Perhaps you’re worried about the hit-or-miss nature of eating out and just want to relax with dinner in the comfort of your sad Park Slope apartment. According to Thane R., you should probably avoid all the illicit goings-on at Oaxaca:

"Ten dollar burritos should not be the size of an egg roll. Unless I died and woke up in Michelle Obama's Bloomberged America. Also, they should taste like Mexican food and not arrive an hour late because some dipshit bike delivery goon decided to detour to WEEDTOWN! TO SMOKE WEED! These bozos are CRIMINALS in every sense of the word. (Drugs, extortion, racketeering, etc.)”

In short, no matter where you decide to eat, you're pretty much fucked. While that's obviously unfortunate, in the end, at least you'll be able to share your experience with the world. Long live Yelp.