FiPs Top 10: Gowanus Regatta Edition

Image via NYDailyNews.comAs reported in the New York Daily News, the Gowanus Canal, or go-anus for those of you familiar with our waterway of milky discharge, is hosting its first regatta this June.  The word “regatta” comes from the Latin word recaptar meaning sailing briskly down a river of shit.  

The Gowanus Dredgers and the Red Hook Boaters will host the 2.5-mile Gowanus Challenge on June 15^th.  The challenge apparently being overall self-preservation as they daringly navigate the mercury and gonorrhea ridden waters.  The competition is open to any human-propelled, closed-bottom boat with a propensity for the intake of raw sewage.  

Let’s be real for a minute.  What the fuck are these people thinking?  This is the same canal in which divers couldn’t risk their well being to save Flipper a couple months ago, and in which, "scientists have found mercury, lead, chromium and even gonorrhea." More like Gross-wanus!

With that in mind, I’ve prepared a Top 10 list of things our adventurers are likely to encounter:

10.  Poop

9.    Three –eyed ducks

8.    A bouquet of used syringes

7.    Past mob informants

6.    Whole Foods

5.    Natalie Wood

4.    Finish line crafted from oil drums and doll parts

3.    Stranded dolphin (too soon?)

2.    Your boat melting

1.    A rescue crew

Good luck fuckers.  I will absolutely be there -- at a safe distance -- to cheer you on!