FIPS Throwback Thursdays: Remembering Jackie's 5th

In December 2011, we posted THIS LIST of our ten (well, eleven, really) reviews on Yelp of Jackie's 5th Amendment.  Now that Jackie's is planning to close, we thought we'd repost our favorite reviews, with an update of the choicest comments from more recent reviewers.  So, here without further ado, is the reprint of that post.

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We've EXTOLLED the virtues of Jackie's 5th Amendment, before.  We've argued that Jackie's was grievously overlooked by COMPLEX when they made their LIST of definitive NYC Dive Bars. And we've CHASTISED GQ for failing to recognize the raw, unbridled genius of Jackie's (and its ilk) when penning their fucked-up and lame GUIDE TO NIGHTLIFE in Brooklyn.

FiPS isn't alone in the appreciation of Jackie's 5th Amendment. Many of the REVIEWS of Jackie's on Yelp agree with us. Also, they are hilarious. So, here, without comment (mostly), and without correction of spelling, grammar, punctuation or capitalization, are our top ten excerpted comments from Yelp reviews of Jackie's 5th Amendment:

#10: "Alcoholic? Here is the perfect place to hit bottom."  -Hal D.

#9: "If you can't realize the glory of an actual dive inhabited by actual low-lifes, all friendly-as-can be, with cheap beers and good times?  Then stop goddam drinking, you little baby."  -Joe R.

#8: "Welcome to the morgue" -Aaron Z.

#7: "Yes, this bar is hell's waiting room." -Amanda S. 

#6: "Jackie's is open at 8am.  I'm not saying they are serving, but the doors are open and there are people inside.  i am a-ok with this business model, yes i is." -Mag M.  

#5: "my favorite story of jackies is meeting this old man in a superman tshirt at the bar on a saturday night and then the next day, we were riding by jackies on the bus on the way to brunch and this same man still in his superman shirt was walking out of the bar at  2pm, haha!"  -Katie C. 

#4: "Real rock n' roll on the jukebox (now, unfortunately, one of those internet kind), not the fucking indie hipster shit that pollutes the air in this part of Brooklyn like a nasty-ass fart that has been wafting for several minutes." -Erik W. 

#3: "You might run into the old guy in the back room who's just won $200 on a scratchie and decides that the most prudent course of action is to reinvest in the NYS Lotto.  You might exchange a few words with the middle-aged woman who tells you that her husband wants to know whether you and your friend are 'some kinda poofs, or what.'" -John B. 

#2: "Every time I end up here, I think "how the hell did my evening take this turn?!?"  Yet, like a bad drunken booty-call, this place gives off it's nasal siren song and I'll find myself cradling my bucket of highlife and wondering what the smell is." -Jonathan K.  

And now, our NUMBER ONE review of Jackie's on Yelp, which is worth reprinting in its entirety.  From Bob W., we have:

#1: Yes, it's full of old folks, most of whom appear to be several decades deep into full-fledged alcoholism. Yes, the newfangled digital jukebox is full of pre-1990s music  (rock, country, doo wop and what have you). Yes, no one gives a shit whether you stay or go, or even come in in the first place. And so on. Those are but a few reasons why it's a great bar. Bonus points for the bartender telling me that no, they don't have diet coke, then offering to pay for a two liter if I'll pick it up from the bodega next door. Twice. (Reading that, it might sound rude, but seeing as how the bartender couldn't exactly leave to buy the particular product I wanted, I thought it was more than meeting me halfway. Plus, I got a suspiciously early buyback each time.)

That rounds out our top 10, but we'd like to give honorable mention to Heather T. who is apparently living her dream of compiling reviews for Zagat's, except she's doing it on Yelp.  Way to dream big, Heather T.!  Here's what she came up with:

"Flourescent lighting," "folding card tables," and "a female bartender that looks like Jerry from Ben and Jerry's" make up for the lack of "class," "entertainment," and "people," that characterize Jackie's "posher" neighbors. There's nothing "on tap", but a "mug" of "vodka" can be purchased for a "thrifty" four dollars. At these prices, Overheard in New York Moments come easy. In between ponies of Miller High Life, one client was overheard to say: "I got five kids. Or maybe four; I don't remember." 

One final note: if any of the above-quoted reviewers are reading this post, e-mail us.  We want to drink with you.

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And what are the best comments since the end of 2011?  

Margaret T. says, "I'm pretty sure I got Hep C.  I've been to some pretty dive-y bars but this one really takes the cake."

John B. updated an earlier review with this gem:

It's important to arrive early. Last time I stopped in, I had to listen to a pack of poorly domesticated boys talk about their college classes. They were wearing women's denim jackets. This outfit choice was particularly distressing because not one of them could have been less than 15 pounds overweight. One of them attempted to chat up the bartender by describing the arcane procedure by which a collegian may reserve and check out darts at Amherst. Then I left.

There will be normal people until at least the 8th inning of east coast games. When Kate Smith sings "God Bless America," it's like the Bat-Signal to wake up those sleepy, pudgy Lotharios of the Seven Sisters. Soon the night air will be quick with the rustling of their jeans.

From Doug L., we have, "The yuppie zombie stroller literati speakeasy gossip blogger artisanal narcissist yoga gluttony carpetbagger apocalypse is upon us.  Join the resistance here. " 

Charles F. weighs in:  " Occasionally it can feel like death's waiting room, although occasionally a man from Harlem will turn to your friend at the jukebox and shout 'Oh shit, son!  I can get down to some muhfuckin Billy Idol!' and proceed to shuffle around the bar as an impossibly drunk man screams 'SHOTGUN!' out of time with the music."

Alex W. notes, "It's sort of B.Y.O.Babes, but they'll come-a-flockin' once they find out about the inexpensive buckets of beers, Frank Sinatra jukebox catalogue, and loosely enforced "Sir, you need to wear a shirt here" policy" 

John H. notes that Fran, who was a neighborhood institution in her own right is no longer working at Jackie's, and describes her thusly:  "Fran is one of those people that could have been either 40 or 70, it was tough to tell."

We'll miss you Jackie's 5th.  Thanks for keeping it authentic, babe.