FIPS HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE DAY 9: CO-WORKERS

Every day for the next week, Amanda, FIPS writer and creator the douchey gift blog You're Welcome will be providing you with gift suggestions that you can buy right here in Park Slope.  Today's edition is for the co-worker you hate but have to pretend to like.

Douchey co-workers.  We all have them.  They’re constantly talking, and whether or not you’re actually listening (you’ve got your headphones on, dammit!), it doesn’t matter to them.  When they’re not guilting you into coming out after work for happy hour, they’re dragging you into the bathroom to tell you some benign bit of gossip that you don’t care about.  So what do you get for someone who you really just want to go away?  Office politics dictate that you have to get them something, so here’s some stuff that will get you off the hook and get them off your back (at least for five goddamned minutes).

1. Ransom Note Mug ($16.95, Loom, 115 7th Ave between Garfield and President Sts, 718- 789-0061): Everyone loves coffee, right? RIGHT?  A coffee mug is probably the safest gift to get someone in the office that you don’t really know (or care to know), because it fits into office culture so well, but isn’t as crass as throwing a pack of BIC pens on their desk and screaming, “MERRY CHRISTMAS, DICKHEAD.”  This Ransom Note Mug allows you to rearrange the letters on the mug to say fun slogans like, "I QUIT," or "YOU'RE FIRED," or "LEAVE ME ALONE." 

2. Bombata Leather iPad Case ($49.95, Lumiere, 238 7th Ave between 3rd and 4th Sts, 718-369-1082): Thank God for iPhones and iPads—you can never take a vacation ever again!  Because you're an idiot and you allow your work to pay for your iPhone's data plan, you are expected to answer work emails always.  Whether you're on the beach, on the operating table, or top of your lover—it doesn't matter.  If you and your co-workers are going to be carting around iPhones, Blackberries, and iPads like an old ball and chain, you might as well have a nice case.  Pick up this leather iPad case (comes in various colors) for your co-worker and let her know, "Just because you're going to Aruba doesn't mean that I'm not going to email you 10 billion times a day.  Bon voyage!"

3. Work Day Recovery Kit ($14.95, Loom, 115 7th Ave between Garfield and President Sts, 718-789-0061): Oh man, work is so hard.  In our soft-handed spoiled world, sitting in a comfortable office chair while typing out bullshit marketing strategies and having your lunch delivered to you is considered a hard day at work.  How will you EVER make it through?  Nevermind that your grandfather worked in a cole mine for 15 hours a day so he could make $30 a week.  YOU WORK HARD.  This Work Day Recovery Kit is the perfect gift for your whiny, complainy co-worker.  It contains bandages, a remedy booklet, and daily affirmation cards.  And hey, it's way more soothing than the tedious process of looking for another job. 

4. FYI I Never LOL Post-Its ($4.75, A Sterling Place; 352 7th Ave at 10th St, 718-499-4800): All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, right?  A normal, jovial, fun-loving person walks through the doors of your office and turns into an angry, sullen jerk.  "I HATE THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER," she yells at anyone who is smiling.  These FYI I Never LOL post-its are pefect for her and her angry face.   

5. Social Media Citations ($4.95, A Sterling Place; 352 7th Ave at 10th St, 718-499-4800): Can you believe that some people do Twitter for a living?  That Facebook is their job?  IT'S TRUE.  Friend requests!  Followers!  Retweets!  What a fucking world we're living in, right?  Give your Social Media Manager (every company has one nowadays, even if you work at a Methadone Clinic) this pad of Social Media Citations, where they can admonish others for "endless relationship changes," "inspirational quote abuse," and more.

6. I’m Savin’ Up to Quit My Job Bank ($9.95, Lumiere, 238 7th Ave between 3rd and 4th Sts, 718-369-1082): When you're in a shitty job situation, your work buddies and your shared gallows humor are the only things that help you get through the day (that, and your happy hour plans).  You make jokes about jumping out of your boss's window.  You make jokes about pushing the copy machine down the stairs.  You fantasize about sending inappropriate all-staff emails.  Pick up this "I'm Savin' Up to Quit My Job" Bank.  It'll help give your co-worker a goal to work for, and sometimes, that's the only thing we need.

For way more gift suggestions paired with jerky commentary, check out You're Welcome.  And while you're at it, follow Amanda on Twitter @AmandaWaas.