FIPS GETS FUCKED: AN EXPLANATION

Oh hai everybody.

If you happened to reach this site because you were looking for Free Porn, Free Sex Stories or Gay Porn Videos, I'm sorry to say that this url has beeen re-re-directed back to that whiny, know-it-all, annoying blog about all the insufferable people who live here in Park Slope, BK. Sorry to disappoint!

I guess I owe an apology to Enheightened, a Newbie on Brooklynian who had been "eagerly awaiting the news" of our demise. And let's not forget about Former Effed Reader from South Slope who thinks "Ms. Reitman's commentary is as lame as her domain registering skills."...or Dave from Park Slope who had this to say: "actually the new site is a lot more interesting, and the absence of hyper-annoying smugness is a breath of fresh air" in the comments of the Brooklyn Paper post.

Yes, indeedy: I regret to inform all of my frenemies near-n-far that FIPS IS BACK, MOTHERFUCKERZZZZZ!

Where were we? What happened? And was this entire thing orchestrated by Crystal Necklace Dude, Weird Waiter and their entire Mama Rosa crew?

Did Only the Blog Knows Boring hack into the backend of our site and engineer this porn-a-thon just so that she'd have some way of getting back into a story in the Brooklyn Paper now that Smartmom is dunzo?

Am I, as Former Effed Reader from Park Slope suspects, so incredibly fucking stupid that I just let our domain registration lapse?? And then just didn't do anything about it for 36 hours while all you bitches were busy clicking on shit like dickdorm.com and "the facebook of fucking"?

Alas, no.

Here's what went down:

Rember our good old FIPS friend Benjamin? That dude I started this blog with who all y'all liked way the fuck better than me? Well, he's the one who originally registered this here domain...and can you believe that that shit went down TWO YEARS AGO?? Yep, it's true. Only back then, we were both kind of in double secret anonymous mode and weren't sure we'd ever reveal who we were. Sooooo, Benjamin registered this shit at some stupid, fly by night domain registar that guaranteed us complete anonymity: anondom.com. At no extra charge, we also received the following:

• crappy customer service
• lags in orders placed
• a site that looks like it was designed on the Geocities platform
• shoddy attempts at communication
• bullshit explanations for when things go wrong
• and some basic, general, fuckery

Soooo.

When our domain was a month away from expiring, anondouche.com sent Benjamin an email...and he renewed that shit, cause that's the kind of dude he is. All was well.

Only anondouche then canceled Benjamin's order...oh yeah, and they didn't bother to tell him that the order  was canceled. And then they "contacted him several times" to alert him of the situation, only these alleged contacts either never took place or were sent to an email address that was not his...even though the first contact about the domain expiring WAS sent to the correct email address. And then the domain expired yesterday..mid morning. After I had put up a number of posts that morning and everything seemed totally A-OK.

So obvies, I thought I immediately thought we were hacked. And Benjamin thought we were hacked cause he re-bought it a month ago and everything was fine (not). And we're both creative, overly emotional Jews who practice disaster logic, so within about 11 seconds, we had created a story in which: WE WERE HACKED BY THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS OVER AT PSP (ok, that was my suggestion) WHO HAD SET UP ALERTS TO LET THEM KNOW THE MOMENT THE DOMAIN EXPIRED. THEY PROBABLY HIRED PEOPLE TO SET UP ALERTS...JUST SO THEY'D HAVE 100 MORE ALERTS. AND THEN THE SECOND THE DOMAIN WAS AVAILABLE, THEY BOUGHT IT UP...AND WILL NEVER GIVE IT BACK TO US. UNLESS WE PAY 12 BILLION DOLLARS. AND NOW THEY'RE MAKING 50 BAJILLION DOLLARS OFF OF ALL OF OUR TRAFFIC, AND OUR READERS ARE SO PERVY, THEY'RE PROBS CLICKING ON ALL THOSE PORN LINKS! AND EVERYTHING THAT'S COME BEFORE THIS DAY IS NOW ALL FUCKED. AND ALL OF OUR GOOGLE JUICE IS FLUSHED RIGHT DOWN THE TOILET...THE ONE AT THE TEA LOUNGE THAT IS SO FUCKING DISGUSTING, WHEN YOU HAVE TO SIT ON IT YOU KIND OF GAG. AND NO ONE WILL EVER COME TO THE SITE AGAIN BECAUSE EVERYONE IS BUSILY PERMANENTLY DELETING IT FROM THEIR RSS READERS RIGHT FUCKING NOW. AND MAYBE WE BOTH JUST HAVE SWINE FLU ANYWAY, AND THE UNIVERSE WAS JUST SENDING US A MESSAGE TO THROW IN THE TOWEL ON BLOGGING...AND LIFE. CAUSE WE ARE NOW JUST PERMANENTLY FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKEEEEEDDDDDD.

Benjamin was speed-dialing the ACLU on his cell phone, while simultaneously researching whether or not hackers have ever received jail time in federal prison. I was calling 311 to find out the process for getting a permit to stage a protest IN THE MOTHERFUCKING PPW BIKE LANE (you know, just for funzies). Allison was emailing me every 12-13 minutes with subject lines such as "PORN TAKEOVER!!!??," "HOSTILE TAKEOVER!" and my personal fave: "UHH, ANYTHING? UPDATE?? HELLOOOO??" Tweeters were twatting, Facebookers were facebooking, and I don't even wanna *think* about the horrors poor Gogo and RobNYC must have been enduring.

And then...

I said to Benjamin...all calm-n-collected and shit...

"Uhm, did you try to re-purchase the domain? Like, you know, just buy it again?"

Right.

Well, he hadn't. But then he did. And yeah: it totally worked.

Except that anondouche.com then left it sitting as "pending" for 34 fucking hours, probably because the two cocksuckers who run it were jerking each other off in their basement, whilst in the middle of a wii fit marathon and counting all the money they were making from your porn clickage.

Anyway, to sum this shit up:

• Benjamin was stupid for registering our domain at anondouche.com.
• I was stupid for never checking into this shit before.
• all y'all were stupid for thinking I was retarded enough to just accidentally let my domain registration lapse.

That's mostly it.

So for everyone who missed us, emailed me to let me know that my site had been jacked, accidentally clicked on porn, purposely clicked on porn cause you needed something to do while FIPS was on vacay, Tweeted me, Twatted me, emailed people who know people who know me to see what was up, posted on Brooklynian, texted me, got accused of being a sex addict at your place of business, got accused of being a sex addict by your significant other, roommate or mamz, I am very very super duper, deep down dirty sorry.

True story.