FIPS Food Throwdowns: The Burger Edition [Flipster's vs. Purity Diner]

Okay, so here’s the situation: after asking you jerks for some suggestions on where to do this month’s FIPS Food Throwdown (the burger edition), I got a bunch of whiny bullshit about how I’m an asshole for even thinking of getting a burger delivered to me.  I should eat it at the restaurant, you said, or I should make one for myself because it’s not that hard! 

LISTEN: I know it’s not that hard to make a goddamned burger.  I love to cook, and I do it often.  But, guess what?  Sometimes life gets in the way.  Sometimes you have to stay late at a job you hate and you’re too tired or lazy to make dinner.  Sometimes you’d like to cook, but you don’t have the time to get to the store.  This is why delivery exists, and this is why this column exists—we wade through the delivery dregs to find the best options for specific foods/meals if you don’t feel like busting out your pots and pans and cooking.

So, now that we’re all on the same page, let’s fucking do this. 

If you’re unfamiliar with FIPS Food Throwdowns, it’s a monthly series where we order the same exact thing from two different Park Slope restaurants, get it delivered, and evaluate which was better.  It's a culinary smackdown...a triumph of the delivery will.

This month, it's burgers.  Burgers are sacred, I get it, so this might be the most difficult Throwdown we’ve done yet—so many things can go wrong when you get a burger delivered.  The biggest violation, as far as I’m concerned, would be throwing it into a styrofoam container, rendering the bun and fries soggy and inedible.

Both places will be judged by certain criteria:

Ordering ease: Ever had to spend 15 minutes on the phone just trying to order a fucking chips and guacamole only to find out they have a $30 minimum and don't take American Express?  Yeah, thanks, Los Pollitos II.  We appreciate it when a place makes it simple.

Delivery time: Anything under 15 minutes is a miracle.  Anything over 45 minutes, I'm grabbing my torch and pitchfork. 

Price: Because you should never spend $40 on takeout unless it's 4AM, you're drunk, and you decide that you and your two friends need 5 large pizzas. 

How'd it hold up?: Soggy fries, leaking miso soups, cold pizza—even though I know my food is being slung over some guy's shoulder and transported on a bike, I'd like it to not look like it was. 

Taste: Obviously.

Bonus: Extra sauces?  Plastic containers that you can use again for lunch?  Score.


FIPS Food Throwdowns: The Burger Edition

Flipster's vs. Purity Diner

Flipster's (444 9th St at the corner of 7th Ave, 718-832-5500) This place has gone through more changes in the past two years than Heidi Montag's body, but all of the incarnations seemed to be doomed burger places.  It's like hopeful restaurateurs said, Hey, this burger joint didn't do well in this exact same location and exact same concept that caters to the exact same clientele, but we're gonna try it anyway!  Change the color of the awning, I say!  This is Flipster territory now!  But putting this aside, I've got to say that they make a pretty good burger. 

Ordering ease: Easy breezy.  The girl on the phone was jokey and amiable.

Delivery time: 22 minutes

Price: $14.15 for a cheeseburger and fries, which is pretty steep, considering it's a pretty small burger.

How'd it hold up?: Flipster's has clearly thought their delivery process through—the burger was wrapped in foil so it retains heat without getting soggy and the fries were in a separate, waxy type paper box so they wouldn't get be damp and gross when they arrived.

Taste: Good flavor, pickle slices, crisp lettuce, the works.  Fries were crispy and burger bun wasn't soggy.  The burger was cooked perfectly to medium. 

Bonus: They stocked us up with ketchup, mayo, mustard, and napkins as well.  No complaints here.  

Purity Diner (289 7th Avenue at 7th St, 718-840-0881) I know, I know.  I don't know what keeps bringing me back here.  I just like it for some reason, maybe because the inside reminds me of the set from Sesame Street, or maybe it's because I can get a giant breakfast when I'm hungover for like $3.95. 

Ordering ease: Easy, the guy asked me if I wanted anything to "wash it down with," which I thought was cute.  Like it's a goddamned malt shoppe or something.  Thanks, man, but I've got about a case of Bud Light to wash this down with. 

Delivery time: 15 minutes

Price: $8.65 for the "deluxe burger," which is a cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato, served with fries.

How'd it hold up?: This is where Purity Diner fails about 10,000 times.  Arriving in a container with a plastic lid, we could see all of the condensation on the lid, which is horrortown for a burger and fries.  My Throwdown partner and I opened the box, looked at each other, and said, "Let's just get this over with."  The lettuce was wet, the tomato was disgusting, and the fries were so soggy that they were inedible.  Also, the "deluxe" burger comes with two slices of cheese, on the top and the bottom of the burger, which makes it nearly impossible to take the bun off to apply condiments or a lettuce, tomato, onion combo.     

Taste: Surprisingly, the burger had a nice char-broiled taste to it, and the burger patty itself was bigger than Flipster's, but it was pretty bland when all was considered.

Bonus: If you consider a little container of gross, watery coleslaw bonus...

So, I think it's obvious who the winner here is.

Some might say that this throwdown wasn't exactly fair because it put a diner burger up against a place at that specializes in burgers, but really, if a diner doesn't specialize in burgers what does it specialize in?  Moons Over Myhammy?  Please.

Even though Flipster's was more expensive and took a little longer to deliver, it was hands-down the better burger, mainly because of how it was treated in transit.  Restaurants, take note—you can't just throw shit in a bag and send it out.