Eff You, Moutarde
Effed in Park Slope | Thursday, March 12, 2009 at 12:57AM 
I’m always up for trying new restaurants in the neighborhood, so I was excited to go to Moutarde (239 5th Ave, on the corner of Carroll St.) on Valentine’s Day.
The long and short of it was that our food was mediocre and the service absolutely sucked. The fifteen-year-old waitress couldn’t tell us the specials because “they were still figuring them out” despite the fact that it was 6pm.
What is there to figure out? Is Jean Paul out at the store, still buying shit for tonight’s dinner service? Doubtful. I’ll make it easy for you: how about fucking rack of lamb, okay? Christ almighty, Moutarde, get your shit together.
We ordered, sans specials, and after waiting over an hour and a half for our entrees, I flagged down our waitress:
Me: Hey, what’s the story?
Waitress: (blank stare)
Me: ….about our dinners?
Waitress: Oh, you haven’t gotten them yet? I’ll go check.
Yeah, okay, thanks. When we got the check, we tipped appropriately—10% is what you get for shitty service.
What fun it was opening my most recent credit card statement to see that someone there had disagreed with our evaluation of the service, and bumped the 10% tip up to 20%.
Oh, hey, Bank of America—take care of that for me, thanks.
And Moutarde?—suck it.
amanda, business gripes, eats 
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Reader Comments (27)
Moutarde is not a NEW restaurant. It's been there for several years now, so try to know what you are talking about before you rant.
uh...she probably meant new, like she had never been there before....
Anyway, I hate that place.
You expected better service at 6pm on Valentines Day?
Sorry, but you cannot expect good service on V-day. The credit card thing is very wrong.
Maybe the service was better back when it was a funeral parlor...
Moutarde is my go-to brunch spot on weekends. The food is fantastic and the service is always excellent. Perhaps most importantly, they are one of the few places that serve good coffee in the whole fucking city.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Amanda is a judgemental, rude asshole cause I know Moutarde is just fine.
The tip adjustment was total BS. Did they tip themselves AFTER tax, too?.
The whole "don't expect good service on V-day" is BS. It's busy, but the tables are all two-tops, and are not a problem in a decent restaurant, with decent servers. Moutard is not a decent restaurant. In fact, it sucks. To call the food mediocre is lavishing praise, it's an assembly line of poorly cooked dismal ingredients.
She nailed this one.
Brunch at Moutarde is fantastic. I've also had dinner a few times, and it was delicious, with no service issues. I have only love for Moutarde (even though Al di la on the opposite side of the street is sooooo much better).
Oh, you silly brunchgoers are good for a laugh any Sunday.
I truly love strolling by, my stomach bloated with homemade coffee and rich, buttery eggs, fresh breads, and bacon, as you wait around for ages for those outrageously expensive fancy-looking little breakfasts mere blocks away from your own homes. You idiots crack me up. And your fondness for the orange-or-tomato-juice-based cocktails whose names only the whitest among us may pronounce...how precious.
Moutarde fucking sucks. Plus, it's an eye-sore to see that Ringling Brothers themed place on 5th Ave. Seems like a place that pastors take their youth group kids to recap about the Sunday sermon.
Fuck them, their shitty restaurant and you dumb fucks that congregate there.
Sure, it sucks, it's not even close to something as cool as Old Spaghetti Factory, but the bartenders are hot. There isn't much eye candy in the Slope so if I need a "Don Draper" I'm ok getting it from this shit hole. Mostly b/c I don't think the bartenders like this place either.
I have had similar experiences there Belleville on 5th and 5th is much better and Michelin reviewed! Moutrade's mussels and escargot are the only things worth eating!
Agreed, Old Spaghetti Factory is significantly better than Moutarde.
Supporting Moutarde is about as good as supporting that shitty band U2.
Fuck you Bono.
Nah, you clearly need help. You misused "good" it should be "well." Also U2 is one of the best bands ever, I mean they played on some roof in NYC once. AND they were on Letterman for a week. Week + Letterman = Awesome, just ask Paul S.
Moutarde was always a real shit show. Looks cute, but the food sucks ass and the place always smelled like cleaning fluid. Cocotte was the best of the bunch (not great), but sadly closed -- although it's sister restaurant is still in Fort Greene. For brunch, I think I'll stick with Belleville. I haven't been, but I have heard decent things about Canaille on 5th Ave. Anyway, for good French food, best bet is to leave the hood for Jolie on Atlantic Ave (Boerum Hill).
Ok, the thing about Moutarde is that it's European ie charming decor, French-ish food, and kinda slow service. But whatevs, the food is good and it's a lovely place. Go for lunch when nobody's there and linger. Savor the bad service (sometimes it's annoying to have a waiter ask you twelve times if you'd like anything else, ask you how your food is before you've lifted your fork, or list off the specials unsolicited three times fast) for all its charm.
OK, so I've never gone (haven't really had the desire) and now probably won't at all. But, the scariest thing is how rarely I check my bank statements. People actually do that??? That's totally fucked up.
This whole place and every douchetard in it should eat a dick up till dey hiccups for the tip fiasco.
The TIP issue is probably with the bank. The banks take a percentage of the bill and sets it aside in ANTICIPATION of a tip. It's a completely self serving method the banks use to have more money to play with overnight. Once the retailer finalizes the credit card sales as written with the bank, the tip amount changes to the actual amount tipped. Crazy, eh? So, you tip nothing on a check and for a short time your credit statement will read that you have a higher check total. What a world.
Yep, pretty much agree with the majority here - food is average and service sucks. Try AOC one block down... been there many times and apart from the sometimes pissy service, the food is hands down fantastic. The french toast is the best I've ever tasted.
By the way, thanks for returning to your awesomely effortlessly cool and informative ways, fips. don't quite know what came over you yesterday but it sure am glad it was a passing PHase (geddit)...
Moutarde sucks donkey dick. It's gross. And that's all the more bitter a fact because the steakhouse that used to be there, Mike and Tony’s, was pretty good, and the old, not-cute bartenders mixed a mean cocktail.
BTW, Phish sucks donkey dick too.
i have nothing to add about this restaurant but i do know one thing: u2 can eat a big fat dick.
Fear Knot, the Lord is coming to remove us from this earth and take us to his palace in the sky.