Department of Health: Back the Fuck Off of Me-n-my Dog

ICYMI, over at FIPS Headquarters, we all have some pretty strong opinions. And, duh, just because I'm foreign, I'm no different.

Yeah, dissent may rule round here, but also there are a few truths that us BALLERS hold to be pretty fucking self-evident. Here's one: kids ruin sex lives, and dogs get you laid.

Anyway, we already established why kids are more annoying than dogs, so no need to repeat it.

But here's what the fuck I'm all fired up about:

While some BALLER Jew friends of mine were busy with Rosh Hashanah and dealing with their BREEDER families this weekend, I took their totally fucking adorable dog and decided to utilize this amazing weekend weather for the precise purpose that God gave it to us: to chill outside with the dog and pound back a couple beers.

City regulations aside (and because I'm so fucking considerate), it didn't even occur to me to try a watering hole that also serves food. Besides, it's a well-known fact that Park Slope BREEDERS Maclaren their asses into bars like they fucking own them, and I didn't want your toddler annoying the shit out of my dog, kicking him, or throwing up all over him--so I didn't even try.

Having seen some canine activity at a couple BALLER bars where I'm a regular, I *still* decided to call them and see if we could mosey on over safely with my temporary pooch. Happily, the verdict was: fuck the NYC Department of Health and Mental Hygiene (their Orwellian name aside). The bar allowed dogs! In fact, the owners ENCOURAGE dogs there. Rad!

But when I arrived at said bar (who shall remain nameless, to protect the innocent and canine loving), I got some more scoop on the dog sitch. Yes, the allow dogs, and no they don't give a shit if you come get drunk with you pooch...but technically their asses can still get into trouble.

Wanna know why??

B/c eventhough you think all should be good in the hood at these places cause they may not serve food, think again! ICE is food, bitches! No I am not kidding--the morons over at the NYCDOH classify fucking ICE as FOOD. Look!:

Food: Any raw, cooked or processed edible substance, beverage, ingredient, ice, or water used or intended for use or for sale in whole or in part for human consumption.

ICE??? I mean, sure, you ingest it (like so many other substances when you choose not to spit), but which fucking ass-backward home economics class did you bitches attend in high school?!?

The nice waitress chick at the bar was telling me that they have to be way more careful about the dog sitch at peak times, like 5 PM on a Friday eve, cause at that time of the day their asses can be inspected by the Health Department at any moment.

Anyway, can we all agree that this is completely retarded?

Back off Health Dept...we like to hang out at bars with our dogs. And also, I'm trying to get laid here, and I've got way more game with my dog than without. So stop being a cockblocker.