'Crafting My Vision' For Park Slope: STFU And Stop Being Dumb

OMGZ, this article by Smartmom for the Park Slope Patch makes me wanna poke my eyes out with rusty nails and then flush my bloody eye sockets out with pickle juice: Crafting a Vision For Park Slope.

Clearly inspired (though not sourced) by the retarded article from the L Magazine last week, which claimed that N. Slope was "awful" because all of our video stores are closing down, Smartmom attempts to summarize the "sacrifices" that we as a community will need to make in order to support local businesses and ensure that 7th avenue doesn't become a "strip mall."

Gag me with a spoon so hard.

"So what would it take for Park Slope to keep its local video rental store business? Would locals be willing to commit to using a brick and mortar rental shop rather than Netflix? Or at least use their local video store in combination with Netflix?

Let’s see what this sacrifice really looks like.

You’d have to willing to pay more money per rental than Netflix, which offers a monthly fee for as many videos as you want. You’d have to be willing to leave your house for a video rather than get your DVDs via a red envelope in your mailbox. And you’d have to be diligent about returning the DVDs on time so as not to accrue late fees.

Are locals willing to sacrifice savings, selection and convenience for the sake of the community feeling that a destination like Video Forum engenders?"

Again, I ask: AYFKMWTS??

Uhm, wtf kind of "feeling" did video forum engender for ANY OF YOU btchz?? Anyone??

Look, I'm sure the people who work at Video Forum are lovely, and I'm SURE they were getting gang raped with their monthly rent, but why the fuck is that my fault?? The solution is: on Saturday night, when I'm all snuggled up on my couch and ready to watch a movie, instead of pressing 3 buttons and watching it, I should get dressed, go out into the cold, walk 5 blocks, go to some stupid video store, pay more money than I would at Netflix, and THEN the next day do it all over again to bring that bitch back? OH, and also I have to dust off my DVD player and see if that thing is even still working, cause I haven't used it since like 2004. This is like your REAL proposed solution, Smartmom!?

Am I willing to make that sacrifice? NO. Why? BECAUSE IT'S TOTALLY FUCKING STUPID. Ever hear of market forces?? Well they are at work, and they are busily ensuring that every video store from here to kingdom come will shortly be closed. Blockbuster couldn't hack it, but I'm supposed to be believe that Video Forum was destined for world domination?

Look, maybe I'm just a total bitch, but that sounds ridiculous x ten billion million to me.

And quite frankly, I think this entire topic is a load of bullshit.

I think people like to talk a good game about neighborhoods, and "real community" and why places like "Cheeburger Cheeburger" won't work in our fine little hamlet, but all I know is, I walked by that joint at 8pm on Sunday night and that place was fucking standing room only. People were eating tasteless cheeburgers like it was their J-O-B. Rite Aid is always packed to the gills. Five Guys? I've never been in there when it wasn't jamming. And Barnes & Noble is probably the busiest storefront on 7th Ave, period. Is this all a coincidence?? Do all of these places "ruin" our neighborhood? No, they make it easier and more enjoyable to live in our neighborhood. Cause if we're all so into all the mom and pop shops around here, why doesn't anyone shop in them??? Are we all willing to make those sacrifices that Smartmom desperately calls out for? Clearly the answer is a big fat no.

Hey you guys! I have a crazy idea! Maybe businesses should start getting a motherfucking clue, and if things aren't working, do some shit in order to turn things around!

Again, I'll cite the example of Yogo Monster. They tried hitting the ground running with just yogurt, but that wasn't working well enough so BOOM: they added pretzels. Now they're adding Espresso. Uncle Louie G's came up with a brilliant arrangement this year, when they decided to rent out their shop in S. Slope on 7th to that fab little soup place for the winter. In the Patch article, Smartmom explains how Pintchik Hardware reinvented their block on Bergen Street by painting all the storefronts the same color, and renting out the other storefronts they own to an eclectic, indie group of store owners. ALL OF THESE BUSINESSES GOT A CLUE.

Newsflash: this ain't the good ole days. It's a bitch to be a restaurant owner or a shop owner in 2011, and that means you better think long and hard before doing it. Come up with a great concept! Serve quality food! Be a business that people are excited to patronize. The businesses in Park Slope that are doing this well, seem to be killing it (Blue Apron, Bagel Market, Priority Fitness, Bark, Union Market, Bogota, La Bagel Delight, Union Hall, Eric shoes, to name just a few). I shop and patronize all of those places, and not because I feel any sort of unspoken obligation to my community...I do it cause they all have good shit, food or services that I wanna buy. It's not exactly rocket science.

I'm not going to start naming names, but we've all passed many a storefront on 7th Ave and thought "how in the HAYL are those people in business?" And, unfortunately, many of those places won't be for long.
But I guess I just don't think it's up to me to make the "sacrifices" needed to keep those sorts of places in business just because doing so will allegedly bring some sort of imaginary sense of community to us all. I thought that's what the fucking Coop was for anyway? They've got a bazillion dollars!? Why don't they start giving it back to the community?

And while Smartmom included the fact that landlords are charging way the hell too much money (which I agree with) for all these storefronts as an afterthought, I say they are primarily to blame for this mess that we're in. If anyone should be making sacrifices and get their heads out of their asses, it's them.

Also, I'm sorry, but chain store = bad; mom and pop store = good is just not an equation that I think makes much sense these days. I would die to have an Anthropologie or a J Crew in Park Slope...or Chopt...or a Kiehls store. And yeah: my guess is, you all would too.

This problem goes way the hell beyond supporting our community. Businesses need to get better, stronger, smarter and faster. They need to embrace social media, and innovate, and respond to and deliver what the neighborhood wants. Then people will spend money, and the business owners can make way more money, and landlords can fill empty storefronts, and no one needs to stand around on street corners singing Koombaya and talking about sacrifices.