COOP SPY: IPhones Are Not Allowed Near the Kale

Our regular Coop spy clocked out months ago, but we received this mildly interesting email from a loyal FIPS reader who wanted to fill us in on some of the latest and greatest passive/agressive Coop-retardedness:

Hey FIPS:

So I'm a new coop member and someone forgot to tell me that I should be skipping the general meetings every month because they are boring as fuck. Now that I've attended one, I can say that with 100% confidence. These things are run by some ridiculous Robert's Rules of Order, so everything is even MORE boring and procedural than it would be in the first place

Anyway, my roommate's best friend's brother is friends with someone who's one of the writers for their stupid monthly newsletter the Linewaiter's Gazette. I guess this writer was at the meeting too (who the fuck knows, b/c I fell asleep after about 15 mins or so), but there was apparently some resulting controversy. I was sitting next to this woman who was complaining to her husband about the fact that *some people* at the meeting weren't paying enough attention to everything going on, as evidenced by the fact that we all kept checking our iphones. Once I knew that this pissed her off, I tried to iPhone it up as much as I could.

Well, a few days afterwards, my roommate and I found out that all the Linewaiters's gazette reporters got a scolding email sent to them, and a copy got forwarded to me by that friend of my roommate's best friend's brother. I could probably get in trouble for sharing this, but I don't really care cause I've already missed my second shift, and I'm kind of done with this whole Coop thing. So enjoy!

"Reminders to reporters covering the GM:

• Be sure to take adequate notes--don't assume the Coop's recording will cover you. It has failed several times, and the reporter was stuck without enough information. Consider taking your own recorder as a backup.
• In any case, don't text or surf the web during the meeting. People notice it, and we have received negative comments.
• Familiarize yourself with the GM protocols, which are available in a handout at each meeting. In particular, K.M. has pointed out:

1­-there is a difference between a proposal and a discussion item, and the GM report should specify whether an agenda item is one or the other.          

2-­regarding the financial report, she says it saves a lot of time for the editor when the reporter calls M.E. to verify the details before submitting the article."

Ok, granted this email is not very interesting AT ALL, except that we can totally read through the lines here...i.e. we're picking up what the Coop is putting down. And here's what we think they're *actually* saying:

• Yeah, we provide you with a recorder, but our recorder is a piece of shit. So rather than buying a new one that will adequately record this hours long boring-as-shit-meeting, you need to buy your OWN recorder and bring that one. Cause, as you can plainly see, we can barely run this place to begin with, so we can't exactly be expected to provide you with working A/V equipment. OH, and if you are thinking of using that recorder on your iPhone, DO NOT go there. Cause we know that you are just gonna sit there the whole fucking time checking your email, and tweeting your face off about how boring the meeting is, and not everyone has an iPhone, so yeah...that's really not fair.
• Hello!? Moron!? Do you know that a proposal is different than a discussion item? Of course you don't, cause you're a moron. Well it is...and you need to get familiar with the two. But I'm not going to bother telling you what the difference is, because you need to figure out that shit on your own. And Also you need to study our retarded, pointless paperwork, because we spent hours putting that bullshit together and no one looks at it....even our reporters.
• We do give out a financial report, but do NOT assume that any information in that financial report is correct! Just because there are lots of numbers, and columns and shit, doesn't mean the information is accurate. Nope. If you want to include any of the information in that report, first you should send us a beeper message to alert us that you would like to set up an appointment. Then you should fax in a request (which MUST be typed up on our standard form--we have a typewriter behind the Kale display if you would like to borrow it). We will then take your typewritten request, tack it to the "report request" bulletin board and run it through our mimeograph machine so copies can be passed around to the various report captains. Once a week, we then feed all of the mimeographed requests into a bingo number spinner, choose one, and that lucky person gets a meeting with M.E. to confirm that the numbers in the report we handed out are correct! Easy enough!

Yeah...or something like that.

Maybe we should start a FIPS telethon and raise money to buy iPhones for former Coopretards...as like a community service thing?