Buy A Friend For Only $30 An Hour

Image via amiwithani.tumblr.comGawker stumbled across this gem on the Ami with an i Tumblr, and notes that someone in Prospect Heights has made up a new job called "Book Therapist."  For the low, low price of $30 an hour, Lucy Sun will go out with you for coffee or tea, and help you find a good book to read. Then, she'll read the book you're reading, so that you can talk about it, and how it relates to your life, and then she'll give you well-meaning advice about your job, your love life, and your friends and family. And it'll only cost you $30 an hour.

Call me crazy, but that sounds to me like things that you do with friends. I go have hot beverages with my friends. I tell my friends about the cool books I've read recently. And whenever my friend, uh, "Penny" -- for purposes of this post, we're just going to call her Penny, okay? I mean, everyone else does. At least, to her face. Wait, where was I?  Oh, yeah -- when "Penny" starts complaining about her job and how her sister is such a bitch to her and how can it be that Honey Boo Boo's mother is getting married and she can't even find someone to date -- well, I often tell her what I think she should do. Because I am a friend to "Penny." Even though she's fucking annoying, sometimes.

Oh, you know what?  Lucy Sun says in her flyer, "I'll read it with you, so you'll have a friend in the process." So, she's actually being transparent about this. Good, Lucy. Because I don't like being friends with people who are less than honest -- especially friends to whom I'm paying good money. Also I can't stand people who chew gum with their mouths open.

 

Thirty bucks USD is a lot of money, especially if you're picking long books for us to read. I mean, I don't know how fast you read, but I'm not paying you $30 an hour to read Infinite Jest, especially if you're gonna read all those damned footnotes. So, Lucy, if I call you and pay you to be my friend, you'd better not suggest Infinite Jest, because that's gonna piss me off and also, I probably can't probably afford it.

Another thing: I'm trying to figure out what I should do about my neighbors who can't figure out how to sort their recycling and who never put their trash out on the correct day. So, if I'm gonna pay you so that you can tell me whether I should call 311, or just leave them a passive-aggressive note, based on what Jane Austen would do, I would like some specific examples of good decisions you've made in your own life. Demonstrable results, Lucy. I want my money's worth.

Finally, I feel that I should mention that I am more than willing to be a "Television Therapist" to any of you readers for $30 an hour, but if you mention that you read about this on FiPS, it'll only be $25 an hour. Plus expenses. Basically, the way this works is that you take me out for a drink (Bourbon on the rocks, but I'm fine with Jim Beam, so it won't break the bank), and I tell you about the TV shows I like. Then, you record all those shows on your DVR, and I come over some night, and we get take out and watch the shows I told you to save. You pay me for this, part, too. I mean, you can watch them on your own, but I'm still gonna need to be paid for catching up to whereever you are in the season. After we're done watching shows, I'm going to tell you all the things that you aren't doing right in your life, and I'll relate it back to what just happened on "True Blood" or "The Amazing Race." Then, while I'm waiting for Arecibo, we'll hug it out, and you'll feel a lot better about your life.  

Trust me.  Best money you'll ever spend.