BREEDER VS. BALLER: The "Predators" Among Us

Each week Once in a blue moon, we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.

BALLER:

I was so inspired by the utter retardness of this Ice Cream truck bullshit, I actually decided to come out of BALLER retirement (i.e. I'm out of weed, and our delivery guy isn't open for business until 2pm, so I'm bored).

I mean, let's not mince words here: this so called "movement" of outraged, ice-cream hating parents is retarded, Vicki Sell is retarded, and any 311 operator who answers a call from Vicki Sell about illegal ice-cream vendors and doesn't fake type up a complaint and accidentally on purpose hang up on her is retarded.

But also its all kind of perfect. Because this story SOOO wonderfully sums up that entitled, judgmental, know-it-all, "my way or the highway" attitude that so many Park Slope parents flaunt as if it were a
fucking black American Express card.

The assumption that an ice-cream vendor in a motherfucking park, in the motherfucking summer is "predatory" is akin to saying its predatory that Bloomingdales set up shop around the corner from my
gym. Cause like now I have to walk by Bloomingdales on Sundays after my spinnng class and see this great Marc Jacobs leather bag in the window that's $1200. But I don't have $1200 to spend on a Marc Jacobs
bag...so every time I walk by I think "OHHHHH I WAAAAAANT THAAAAAAT!" and its really hard cause I really, really, want it, but I can't buy it. But I still want it. And its not FAIR!!!!!

WAAAAAAH.

And that's *exactly* how Vicki's poor little daughter Katherine is going to feel like in 12 years or so when she's off to college to Barnard, or Vassar or some bullshit like that, and she realizes that
the entire fucking universe is not, in fact, designed to revolve around her every wish and whim.

Nancy Reagan said it best motherfuckers: "just say NO."

Learn how to say "no" to your kids, BREEDERS. Say no and mean N-O.

NO means NO.

Your little brat wants a Sponge Bob pop? NO

Push-up pop? NO

Italian Ices? NOOOOO.

See, how easy that was??

And now, back the fuck off my Mister Softee.

BREEDER:

It’s been awhile and I know FIPS isn’t exactly the place for parents to speak their minds, but I can’t help but defend this woman who you all are lambasting with such malicious glee.

I know you’ll slam me for it but I don’t care – As a mother of a child with a severe lactose allergy, I can relate to what Vicki Sell is going through right now.

The fact that my son can’t enjoy a lot of deserts that his classmates enjoy is something that is really hard for him – it’s something you probably don’t think about because we all just naturally take enjoying deserts for granted.

But to have a school birthday where every kid is enjoying delicious cupcakes and your kid is watching them wistfully and trying to choke down a couple of vegan oatmeal cookies – all I’m saying is that it adds up. (About 4 years ago it “added up” so much that my son had to be rushed to NYM after breaking down, snatching a “yodel” (Drake’s Brand Chocholate Cake) from his neighbor’s place-setting and stuffing it into his mouth. He was 3 at the time – by now though, he knows it’s no laughing matter after having his stomach pumped and being on an anti-biotic drip for the night. He knows that yodels = death and it’s not a game).

It’s one thing in the classroom – it’s one thing at playdates – it’s one thing on the walk home from school – but to be in a park and have the ice cream come to YOU – that’s all I’m saying, and I think that’s all Vicki Sell is saying. To have the truck come to YOU, and play that song like some kind of siren sugar peddler, you know?

It’s almost an entrapment of sorts. Think about it - what other vendors of products come to YOU? The Mexicans in the park with balloons and “ice cold water” do it, but they are not LICENSED by the government. By LICENSING ice cream trucks, we are condoning it. (I don’t have as much of a problem with the Icey vendors – for one, they just sit there and don’t play music to entice kids – for two, iceys don’t contain milk products).

It’s not the other kids’ fault that my son has a life-threatening allergy – I’m not one of THOSE parents. But all I’m asking is can you not shove it in his face all the time? Let the ice cream truck sit there – fine – let it sell ice cream – but does it have to come around playing the song and getting the other kids riled up? Even if your kid has “normal” lactation processing, you have to admit it seems predatory.