BREEDER vs BALLER: Kids Will Make You Poor

Each week Once in a blue moon, we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched. This week: Kids will make you poor.

BALLER:

I'm pretty convinced, that even if I squash all current and future contributions to my 401k, empty out our savings account and use it for an African Safari or some shit, AND start a home renovation project that would likely decimate our semi-pathetic Merill Lynch brokerage account, I'd STILL be about a billion times richer than all you BREEDER bitches in 25 years when it's time for my ass to retire. How? BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY BEBES.

Here's a list of the shit that I don't ever ever never have to spend money on:

• diapers
• private school
• mini-Uggs
• Bugaboo strollers
• Mommy Mittens
• Breast pumps
• Halloween costumes (except wait: do they make Halloween costumes for cats?)
• SAT tutors
• Brownie mix for PTA sales
• Lice shampoo
• sleep away camp
• babysitters
• COLLEGE
• Tibetan nannies
• scooters
• Ritalin

I mean, the list is endless, but I'll stop there cause I don't want to make anyone cry. But yeah: this shit is real. I asked my financial planner friend recently what his best one tip was for getting rich, and he said: "don't have kids."

DONE. AND. MOTHERFUCKING. DONE.

There are all sorts of calculations out there, but this one says kids cost about $222,360 EACH--but that's just until the age of 17. And so yeah: it doesn't even account for all those free-loading, good for nothing, fuck-ups, who end up moving back home after school and spending way longer sponge-ing off of mommy-n-daddy. OH, and if it's through 17th, it doesn't even include college! Also these calculations clearly are not based on families living in NYC...you can probs go ahead and tack on an extra 100k to that number without even blinking.

Two kids will cost you around 1/2 a million bucks and that's not even taking into account all the other crazy unexpected shit that comes up. THAT'S AN EXTRA 500K FOR US TO SPEND ON WEED INVEST.

And sidenote, yet again, there is a story making the rounds about another study that confirms, onnnne morrrrre timmmmme that parenthood is: totally depressing AND leaves you destitute. The article pretty much says in black and white that all of your breeders are tricking your little minds into thinking your kids make you happy, when in actuality you're all just trying to crawl outta the snake pit.

Anyway.

Have funzies being poor and miserable, suckas! I'm off to get a hot stone massage!

BREEDER:

Fine, fine, it’s hard to argue the short-term monetary suckage of having kids. Okay, make that long term too, if you count college and housing them ad infinitum. Kids are a fucking money pit. I don’t even want to know how much I’ve shelled out over the last 12+ years. A LOT!
 
We started out like a lot of others (read: ACCIDENTALLY), and our longtime family friend actually told us, “You’ll be fine; all you need is a dresser drawer and you’re set.”
 
Yeah? That was bullshit!
 
So, my man and I ditched our imminent plans for world travel and hauled our marginally mortgage-able asses out to the still affordable (at the time) and crunchy Seattle of NYC: Park Slope, Brooklyn. It was almost like foreign travel. People were friendly and spoke with accents, and you could get yourself 1000 square feet for a hundred grand.
 
And this is where I say to you doubters: having kids made me rich. Rich, I tell you! (at least on paper).
 
Because my apartment (which I can’t afford to trade up, btw), is now worth at least seven times what we paid for it. And we never would have bought it if we’d stayed kid-free. So put that in your pot pipe and smoke it, BALLER!
 
Yes, without kids, the partner-in-crime and I would never have made, arguably, the ONLY sound financial decision of our adult lives. And thank God because otherwise we’d be really fucked in Park Slope right now. I mean, how do you parents live without a washer/dryer? It’s just beyond my comprehension.
 
As to the rest, I may not be jumping with joy all the time but I’m richer at heart for all this interminable child rearing crap. I’m a better person. I really am. I’m more patient, less selfish, stronger, more focused, funnier, smarter, and generally less narcissistic. What Erica said about her pooch making her a better person times ten.

And parenting may suck a lot more than we BREEDERS care to admit but it’s good for you. Fine, it may be good for you like castor oil but let’s not split hairs. It’s good for your physical and mental health. Kids are like a personal trainer. And research has shown that having kids boosts brain power and memory (really?), reduces the risk of cancer and diabetes, and makes you live longer.
 
Also, a lot of the money we parents spend on improving our kids is statistically a complete waste of funds because it doesn’t matter whether they took afterschool gymnastics or expensive tutoring or go to private school or have hundred dollar Uggs. According to behavioral geneticists, kids will turn out exactly the same way they would have if you didn’t shell out on all these trappings. Any probably less godawful! Give them everything they need, not everything they want and they’ll be fine.
 
And kids get you shit. Free parking (maybe). Seats on the subway. Coop shifts. Better deals on joining the Y. Family memberships. Tax breaks. Discounts.
 
So, I say pshaw (or however you spell that). Breeders ARE richer for having kids.