BREAKING: Screw the Renovation! The Pavilion Is Still A Gigantic Dump

Hey, so remember how last week we were going on and on about the Pavilion and their stupid renovation? And there was talk of corinthian leather, and a new McDonald's themed color-scheme, and kids with cancer and lots of other bullshit?

Right, well I was so fucking inspired by all this "new beginnings" crap, I decided to break my two-year bed bug fueled Pavilion embargo to go see Bridesmaids on Saturday night (for the second time, mind you. That shit was HI-LA-R-I-OUS!). I was turning over a new leaf, ppl!

And sue me, but I actually believed our own goddamned hype. I expected to go to this joint and *maybe* have things be better. Run smoother. Not make me want to run home and take a hot shower.

FAILLLLLLLLLL.

Let's just say that after our experience on Saturday night, I'd rather just go to the Court Street movie theater (and, if you'll recall, I'm afraid of getting murdered at the Court Street movie theater).

Here's what went down:

• I'm crazy like that and always like to arrive for movies super early in order to get a desirable seat. We arrived for the 7:20pm showing of Bridesmaids at 6:45, and the movie was "sold out." Hunh? I only knew it was sold out because there were like 9,000 pieces of printed out sheets of paper stuck all over the fucking windows mentioning movies and movie times.
• There were also a number of signs taped to the glass stating that certain theaters had "malfunctioning" air conditioners. Oh jeezus..here we fucking go. It's Memorial Day weekend and your AC isn't working properly? If that were me I would have a goddamned SWAT team of HVAC dudes swarming my theater like it was Osama's house in Abbottabad. That shit would be fixed and it would be fixed F-A-S-T.
• Upon entering the theater, you immediately encounter the snack bar. The line for the snack bar is dead in front of you, and if you think that some Pavilion employee is smartly asking people to step to their right so as to allow the snack bar line to not be RIGHT IN THE FUCKING WAY of everyone trying to get into the movie theater after having their ticket taken, you'd be sorely mistaken. The congestion is basically like a Friday night in the summer traffic jam on the L.I.E.
• Back to our quandry about the movie being sold out. Greg was ready to hit the road, but being the douchebag I am, I was like aw hells naw. Using some deductive reasoning, I surmised that there was no way in fuck that the theater would actually be operating as it should in situations like this (i.e having ticket checkers standing outside of theater doors for movies that are sold out in order to check tickets). So we just bought two tix to Pirates of the Caribbean, and then sauntered into the Bridesmaid theater like we owned the joint. BOOM. Mission accomplished (and for the record, there were about 12 empty seats in the theater by the time the movie started...so clearly there were some no shows).
• And by "sauntered" I mean that we walked all the hell all over the place first trying to just FIND the Bridesmaid theater. Since there is no digital overhead thing-a-mabob telling you what movie is playing in what theater, and each theater basically has a print out little sign in front of it, we did a hell of a lot of walking before finding out where we needed to illegally be.
• Immediately upon entering the Bridesmaid theater (first floor to left in middle of hall, did not catch number), I noticed 2 seats in the back row with "out of order" signs on them. They were not purple seats, but still. Fabulous.
• We found two seats in the front, and upon walking off of the carpet and onto the actual floor, I was hit with a wave of nausea. People, these floors have a stick to them, that is honestly indescribable with mere words. It is very, very clear to me that these floors have not actually been washed in a super duper long time. I literally felt like I was in the basement of a frat house after some Greek Week keg party. Which worked out pretty well, cause it fucking smelled like a keg party in there too.
• Ok, time for a change of scenery! I decide that I'm going to the bathroom before the movie starts, cause we got a large Diet Coke and I have like 9 gallons of soda to drink before the evening is out. Oh goody, one of the toilets is ALSO out of order! (and I think there are maybe 3 stalls in there). So yep, we have another dot matrix printed sign for the stall Shocking, I know.
• Back to the theater!
• The chairs at the Pavilion are so fucking close together between rows, it's literally impossible for you to let anyone try to squeeze by you. Honestly I think the seating is more comfortable in MSG. And so anytime someone needs to get into the row, every single person sitting in the row has to get up and out of their seat and stand in the aisle to let the newcomers in. This is so much fun! I loved it!
• While we were NOT in one of the theaters listed as having AC issues, it was positively swampy in our theater. I am usually freezing every time I go to the movies. So much so, that I always bring an extra sweater cause I know I'm gonna be cold. Well, if I was wearing a fucking sports bra on Sat night, I would have taken off my top, cause it was hot as balls in that mofo.
• Why the christ are there soooo many commericals in that theater?? I go to see movies all the time, and I have never in my life experienced over 20 mins of straight up commercials at any other theater. I'm not talking about previews either...I mean just straight commercials. 

Ok, so while I guess I wasn't in a renovated theater, the overall experience still sucked a gigantic hairy dick. Everything in that Pavilion joint is *still* broken, and honestly, bed bugs would have actually been a lovely distraction to all of the other nasty, sticky, gross, broke-ass shit we had to deal with.

EMBARGO = back the fuck on.