BLOCK-OFF! Btwn 6th Ave & 7th Ave (from 15th-1st) vs. Btwn 7th Ave & 8th Ave (from 15th-1st)

WOO HOO FUCK YEAH IT’S BASEBALL PLAYOFF SEASON!!! I’m not actually as excited as all that, but I enjoy baseball enough & was excited because my hometown Red Sox once again made the playoffs this year. Unfortunately, they now have no chance in hell of actually winning the World Series, but I can at least hope that the Yankees don’t win it all...as long as that prick A-Rod doesn't get a championship ring, it's cool with me.

This week, we’ll be taking a look at the numbered streets between 6th & 7th and 7th & 8th, pitting them against each other in a contest of Ruthian proportions. One group of blocks will embody the spirit of my BoSox. While they won't be crowned champions this year, at least they won't be a bunch of millionaire pretty boys. The other set of blocks will be inhabited by the spirit of the Bronx Bombers & will have a good chance of winning it all, but in the end, it won't matter because as we New Englanders say, "Yankees Suck." As some politician or celebrity or dying child throws out the first pitch & the two teams take the field, we'll be reminded of why baseball is both exciting & boring at the same time. Let the uber maudlin, TBS-tastic, steroid-filled judging begin!

Between 6th Ave & 7th Ave (15th-1st):
With no businesses on 15th, our first set of blocks begins on 14th with the Resurrection Coptic Catholic Church, located just a few paces up from 6th on the right. The Coptic Catholic church is a subset of a subset of Catholicism. It’s schismtastic!

Across the street there’s a lil something for the breedlings, the Shirley Chisholm Day Care Center. When I first heard Shirley Chisholm’s name, I assumed that she was some sort of famous lady cattle rancher or something, but in actuality, she’s the first black woman elected to Congress & the owner of a sweet beehive hairdo. Go figure. Anyway, she ruled. Definitely worthy of having a day care center named after her.

On the next street over, there’s a building containing a number of medical businesses. There’s Five Star Medical, Park Slope Center for Mental Health & an NYU Medical Center. It's essentially your one stop shop for finding out what the fuck's wrong with you.

There’s nothing else until you hit 9th St, where there are a ton of places. The first is Colson Patisserie, a bakery on the right-hand corner of 6th. I’ve only been here for breakfast, so I’ll say that if you’re into muffins & scones & shit, they’ll muffin & scone the hell out of you…um, that’s a good thing, BTW.

Next door to Colson is Barbes, the bar & performance space that plays host to a wide range of musicians & authors pretty much all the time. It’s one of those places where I’m always like "I should really go there," but then I never do. I guess I need to work on that motivation thing.

The winter’s coming & you’re going to end up spending a lot more time indoors losing whatever color you’ve picked up over the summer. If you’re that friggin concerned about the color of your skin, you should probably head to Pacific Tanning, which is right upstairs from Barbes.

Up the street on the left there’s the Congregation B’nai Jacob. It’s a "family-friendly" Orthodox place, so if you & the fam are looking to go all hardcore-Jewish, they've got what ails ya.

Just next door there’s Dr. Benjamin Solomowitz, the “Brooklyn Sedation Dentist.” The best part about this place is that if you set up an appointment here, the day before, you can be all "twenty twenty twenty-four hours to go"...& so on & so forth. You can maybe even sing it to him when you arrive for your appointment.

Seriously, dude. You need to straighten up. I can't tell if this place actually exists, but there's signage for Nachmias Family Chiropractic just past Mr. Sedation’s place. If they actually are open for business, they'll could probably fix your scoliosis-having ass quicklike.

First Meridian Mortgage comes after the chiropractor. If you must buy property right now, go ahead. I assume this place has all sorts of ways to get you into the Park Slope mansion of your dreams. Don't let me or the thousands of news stories about the failing housing market stop you.

Just before 7th Ave, there's a place for you to stretch out & get your non-Kurt Cobain nirvana on--Bodhisattva Yoga. I might have to check it out. I mean, they don't call me "Meditay-Shawn" for nothing.

On the corner of 9th & 7th, there’s Studio 97 Salon, which is a “European salon & day spa.” Since there’s no way in hell I’m getting a bikini wax, I’m just going to have to rely on my unscientific survey of ladies who have gone here, which is that this place is pretty much the worst.

Heading over to 7th St, there’s the Kingsboro Temple of 7th Day Adventists. Get this. 7th Day Adventists are Christians, but they celebrate the Sabbath on Saturday! How crazy is that? Don’t they know somebody else already has that day?

OOH! I figured out where they’re keeping all the old people in Park Slope! They’re hording them at the Park Slope Senior Citizens Center, so if you want to see some actual Park Slope old people in their natural habitat, all you need to do is go a few paces down from 7th Ave. Look for the guy with the checkered pants up around his nipples.

When I took a stroll down 4th St the other weekend, I was passing by New Millennium Real Estate & a dude who worked there gave me the biggest smile as I passed. It was nice of him, but smiles aren’t going to save the real estate market any time soon.

Did you get wasted & lock yourself out of your apartment without any pants again? Way to go, MacGyver. Luckily there’s an All Security Locksmith over on 2nd St. They’ve been around since the late 70s & have probably seen it all, so don’t be embarrassed about your lack of pants. Give them a call. Somebody will have to help you get in. That’s where the pants are, after all.

Our last businesses in this group of blocks are on 1st St. The first—Music Together of Park Slope—teaches the breedlings about the wonders of music. The fall semester started almost a month ago, so if you want to send your breedlings here, you’re going to have to wait til the winter, slacker. Until then, give them a bucket & a couple of Genesis albums & send them to their room.

Looking for a glimpse into your future? The last business in this set of blocks—the 7th Ave Psychic Gallery—has your answer, but I can save you the money by telling you that your future will consist of nothing but pain & suffering. You’re welcome.

Between 6th Ave & 7th Ave:

15th Street
NONE

14th Street
Resurrection Coptic Catholic Church, 328 14th St, 718-499-6946
Shirley Chisholm Day Care Center, 333 14th St, 718-499-7154

13th Street
Five Star Medical, 348 13th St, 718-788-7200
Park Slope Center for Mental Health, 348 13th St, 718-788-2461
NYU Medical Center, 348 13th St, 718-832-1445

12th Street
NONE

11th Street
NONE

10th Street
NONE

9th Street
Colson Patisserie, 374 9th St, 718-965-6400
Barbes, 376 9th St, 718-965-9177
Pacific Tanning, 376 9th St, 718-499-5274
Congregation B’nai Jacob, 401 9th St, 718-832-1266
Dr. Benjamin Solomowitz, 407 9th St, 718-788-1001
Nachmias Family Chiropractic, 433 9th St, 718-832-7300
First Meridian Mortgage, 435 9th St, 718-906-6152
Bodhisattva Yoga, 442 9th St, 718-499-YOGA
Studio 97 Salon, 444 9th St, 718-788-2200

8th Street
NONE

7th Street
Kingsboro Temple of 7th Day Adventists, 415 7th St, 718-369-3534
Park Slope Senior Citizens Center, 463 7th St, 718-832-3726

6th Street
NONE

5th Street
NONE

4th Street
New Millennium Real Estate, 443 4th St, 718-499-2000

3rd Street
NONE

2nd Street
All Security Locksmith, 500 2nd St, 718-435-9055

1st Street
Music Together of Park Slope, 386 1st St, 718-369-3099
7th Ave Psychic Gallery, 447 1st St, 347-243-9530

Scoring
Bonuses – A Day Care Center Named For a Gunslinging Congresswoman, A Home for Scones, Barbes
Shames – Eight Empty Streets, Eight Empty Streets, Eight Empty Streets

Between 7th Ave & 8th Ave (15th-1st):
Heading back to 15th between 7th & 8th, we come to our first actual restaurant restaurant in this week’s Block-Off!—Olive Vine. They offer a mix of Middle Eastern fare, including pizzas made on pitas. They’re pitas! They’re pizzas! They’re pizzitas! Anyway, they’re good.

Up the block on the right is the business with one of the best medical names ever in the Block-Off!—Otolaryngology Services. Most people try to save themselves the trouble by calling it the “eye, nose & throat” doctor, but if you want to be a Snooty McFancypants in front of your friends, you can call this place by its actual name.

Two streets over on 13th, there’s a pediatrician named Vasudev Gabber, M.D. I’ve never met the dude, but I assume that, given his last name, he’s one of those dudes who talks your friggin ear off.

Need your pipes cleaned? Henry Myers Plumbing & Heating can take care of you. Need to be warmed up? Henry Myers Plumbing & Heating can help out. Looking for a hand job? You should probably try someplace else.

Applewood, on 11th St, just celebrated their fifth anniversary last month. I went there a few years back & remember it being pretty damn good. They’re part of the slow food movement, so people go nuts for this place. In fact, BlackBook just voted it one of their “Top 10 Brooklyn Restaurants” this past Wednesday.

Got a little tipsy at dinner & knocked over a few candles & now Applewood’s engulfed in flames? No worries. Engine 220/Ladder 122 is right up the block.

Hey, did you hear that we now have a Democrat in the White House & that Democrats control both houses of Congress? Yep. It’s true, although you couldn’t tell, because they haven’t managed to even start getting it together enough to fix the country. Maybe the office of the Central Brooklyn Independent Democrats should try a little harder. Barack Obama, 250 Representatives & 60 senators can’t do it all by themselves, you know?

The first place we come to on this section of 9th St is Second Helpings, a café whose slogan is “food with conscience…” That means their menu features things like free-range chicken & organic everything…absolutely none of that “seventy-five cows spent their entire life standing in their own feces before coming together to make your burger” sort of stuff here.

Are you a big ol’ crater face? Got a bunch of ugly ass veins all over your legs? Sounds like you need what the Park Slope Dermatology & Medi-Spa is serving up. When you're done with feeding your conscience with food, head a few buildings down & get yo bad self checked out.

Got non-mental aches & pains too? When you're done with the dermatologist, head next door to the Prospect Park Physical Therapy Massage Therapy Center & ask them to get rid of that pain in your neck. Please specify that you're not referring to the breedling you have in tow or things might get messy.

Have you seen this Java Joe guy? Dude’s had WAY too much coffee. He lives near the corner of 8th St & 7th Ave & his eyes & smile are bugged out as if he’s tried every single one of the dozens of types of coffees they have here & done so all in the last 24 hours. It’s a bit scary, actually, but he has a sweet moustache too, so I can’t hate him.

I've been doing the urban living thing for almost two decades now & as much as it drives me nuts some times, I can't get away from it. Some time soon, I'm going to have to look for a new apartment & it's good to see that since the housing market's in the shitter, there are places in Park Slope like Urban Living (next door to Java Joe) who have two bedroom apartments for under $2K. Based on my travels, I didn't think that apartments at that price actually existed in the Slope.

Looking to get some boob implants so you can break into porn? Head on over to 7th St, where George Philip Smith, M.D. has his offices. He's a plastic surgeon & although I'm not sure if he does that exact sort of plastic surgery, you can probably talk him into it. Who wouldn't want to make bigger boobs?

The NY Methodist Hospital, which is by default Park Slope’s General Hospital, takes up pretty much all the space between 6th & 7th St and 7th & 8th Ave. A few years back, a friend of mine ended up here after screwing up both his knees one night. He shared a room with an older man who had lung cancer or emphysema or something. When I came by to help him check out, the older man’s wife was there. At one point, after the doctor finished chatting with the older dude & his wife about the dude's condition, she was all “I’ll be back, honey. I’m going down to have a cigarette.” Best. Wife. Ever.

Across the street from the hospital there are a few Methodist Hospital-related businesses, but there’s also the Park Slope Schoolhouse, which used to be the Berkley Carroll Child Care Center. I'm assuming they had to change their name because Burklee Carroll complained.

The Center for Neuroscience & Psychotherapy is the first of the medical businesses. I guess they help those who are insane in the membrane.

Do you wake up in the morning to discover you’ve eaten four sticks of butter & a rump roast in your sleep? You should seriously consider talking to the people at the Center for Sleep Disorders. They're also across the street from the hospital.

Maybe it’s time to take a good look inside yourself, like with radiation & shit. Park Slope Diagnostic Imaging is the next NYM business on the street. MRIs, X-rays...they've got the whole shebang here.

You need to have somebody shoot a laser into your eye? Dr. Mitchell Seidman can help you out. He's an ophthalmologist with offices on 5th.

Next door, there's an office for a Methodist Hospital-affiliated Comprehensive Sickle Cell/Thalassemia Program. Thalassemia! Shit sounds fun for the doctors, not for the patients.

Heading over to 4th St, there’s a Nice Cleaners. Um, I guess it’s nice. It all depends on what your definition of nice is…like if you’re the type of person who would actually utter the words “oh, this can of creamed corn is nice,” you might think this place is nice, I suppose.

Look dude, you need to chill the fuck out. I’ve got the perfect place for you to do so. The 4th Street Relax Center! I’m looking at one of their brochures right now & the woman on the front looks like she’s basically asleep & being groped about the back by a pair of disembodied hands. It’s some real Frankie Goes to Hollywood shit.

Il Camelion Salon is right next-door. Every time I pass this place & see the sign, I get visions of Boy George singing & dancing with a bunch of old-timey people on the deck of a riverboat.

Our last two businesses this week are on 2nd St. The first—Smooth Endings Laser Hair Removal—will removed that unwanted back hair & are specialists at giving you a smooth ending.

The last business in this week’s Block-Off! is Two Boots Brooklyn. Way back in 98, just after leaving Florida & a failing relationship, I stayed with a friend in North Bergen, NJ for a week or so & every day when he was at work, I’d travel into Manhattan & wander around the city. It was my first experience with NYC & pretty much every day, I’d stop by the Two Boots in the East Village. That location's no more, but as for the Brooklyn one, I don’t think I’ve ever been in. Maybe it’s because it’s the same thing as the East Village but with annoying breedlings instead of awesome films.

Between 7th Ave & 8th Ave:

15th Street
Olive Vine, 362 15th St, 718-499-0555
Otolaryngology Services, 406 15th St, 718-833-0515

14th Street
NONE

13th Street
Vasudev Gabber, M.D., 398A 13th St, 718-499-5351
Henry Myers Plumbing & Heating, 440A 13th St, 718-836-1324

12th Street
NONE

11th Street
Applewood, 501 11th St, 718-788-1810
Engine 220/Ladder 122, 538 11th St

10th Street
Central Brooklyn Independent Democrats, 548 10th St

9th Street
Second Helpings, 448 9th St, 718-965-1525
Park Slope Dermatology & Medi-Spa, 456A 9th St, 718-965-1166
Prospect Park Physical Therapy Massage Therapy Center, 460 9th St, 718-832-7990

8th Street
Java Joe, 414 8th St, 718-369-6026
Urban Living, 418 8th St, 718-788-0178

7th Street
George Philip Smith, M.D., 718-608-1111

6th Street
NY Methodist Hospital, 506 6th St, 718-780-5197
Park Slope Schoolhouse, 515 6th St, 718-768-4873
Center for Neuroscience & Psychotherapy, 515 6th St
Center for Sleep Disorders, 519 6th St, 718-780-3017
Park Slope Diagnostic Imaging, 523 6th St, 718-832-2566

5th Street
Dr. Mitchell Seidman, 514 5th St, 718-322-2020
Comprehensive Sickle Cell/Thalassemia Program, 512 5th St

4th Street
Nice Cleaners, 453A 4th St, 718-965-9484
4th Street Relax Center, 453B 4th St, 718-965-6086
Il Camelion Salon, 463 4th St, 718-788-1700

3rd Street
NONE

2nd Street
Smooth Endings Laser Hair Removal, 510 2nd St, 718-765-5151
Two Boots Brooklyn, 514 2nd St, 718-499-3253

1st Street
NONE

Scoring
Bonuses – One Pizzita Joint, One Sweet Slow Food Joint, A Bunch of Stuff For Sick People, A Salon That Makes Me Think of Culture Club
Shames – Four Empty Streets, A Salon That Makes Me Think of Culture Club, The Annoying Two Boots

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
BETWEEN 7TH AVE & 8TH AVE (15TH-1ST)

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.