BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 4th & 3rd] vs. 5th Ave [btwn President & Union]

some artsy photo from the Phish show in Camden [ed note: UGH...PHISH!]

Oh, man. I just got back from a Park Slope-free weekend of Phish shows in Massachusetts & scenic Camden and I’m totally burnt right now. Since June is here, it was a badass weekend, with lots of hip-focused dancing & slight tans from lovely weekend weather (sorry rain-soaked Jones Beachgoers). All I’m saying is that in the two shows I saw, I heard me a Fluffhead, a Lizards, a Guyute, a Hood, a Wolfman’s Brother, a Fee, a Possum, a stellar Chalkdust opener, a Contact and an Antelope-->Tweezer Reprise closer. It was like 1998 all over again.

This week, to honor Park Slope’s neo-hippies, we’re infusing our two blocks with Patchouli & herb & the souls of folks in their mid-thirties as we hang out on 5th Ave btwn 4th & 3rd and President & Union. As one block embodies the soul of Phish pre-Trey arrest & the other embodies that late period before this year’s reforming, where it felt like a funeral for Phish, we’ll friggin’ twirl & spin & sway & look up at summer skies feeling like there’s no place we’d rather be. If you’re vindictive like me, we’ll also see it as another example of why the Grateful Dead are so not as good. Let the shaggy-haired & pitted, pentatonic, Helping Phriendly judging begin!

5th Ave from 4th St to 3rd St:
Our first block begins with JJ Byrne Playground, which takes up the entire left-hand side of the street. If you like swinging on swings or sliding down things or know someone who does, you’d dig it. On Sundays, there’s a Farmer’s Market out front. My advice: load your breedling up on tomatoes & send him/her down the slides…repeatedly.

Near the back of the playground, there’s the Old Stone House, which is all historical & shit. It’s a reconstruction of an old Dutch house, so we can remember that the Dutch were once here, but now we’ve pretty much cleared our environs of them…just like we did with them Injuns.

The right-hand side begins with Primo Atto, a relatively new Italian place that I’ve yet to try but have heard & read good things about. When I walked by yesterday, I was surprised to see that it was all closed & shit, so I did a little interweb research and over at Brooklynian, the word is that they’ve shut down for a few weeks to remodel. Fucked in Park Slope. Perusing Brooklynian so you don’t have to.

It’s followed by Brooklyn Mercantile, the block’s representative crafty home design spot. If you’re trying to get your breedling on a fast track to FIT, they have sewing classes here for all ages. That’s cool. America could use better fashion sense.

After a Random Building that I sort of think is residential, there are two boutiques—Serene Rose (for women) & Razor (for men). Both owned by Hermian Charles, they offer stylish stuff. If you’re reading this because you’re a Phish fan, it’s time to move onto the next shop. Seriously.  These places are not for you.

My weekend was all cheap parking lot & high-priced venue Bud Lights, so wine’s not a part of the palette these days, but don’t let that hold you back. Go to the next shop on the block, Picada y Vino Wine Shop. The name sounds fancy. You could probably impress a gal or a metrosexual dude with something from here.

Then there’s an EMPTY STOREFRONT, followed by Kids On Fifth. It’s a day care center & it’s the new millennium, so I’m assuming you & the husband/wife are both working. Since nannies are so gauche, you can leave the breedlings here for the day. They’ll meet other Park Slope breedlings & eat paste together & draw on each other with markers & junk.

At the end of the block, there’s one of the more popular neighborhood bars, The Gate. Some people might hate on it, but I love this place. You’ve got that outdoor porch area where, if I wasn’t an introvert, I could totally meet some lovely Park Slope ladies. The beer selection? Peeps have a blog so you can keep up with what’s on tap, which is basically always something good. They’ve been around for twelve years now. Here’s to a lucky thirteen.

Left-hand side:
JJ Byrne Playground
Farmer’s Market
Old Stone House, 718-768-3195

Right-hand side:
Primo Atto, 337 5th Ave, 718-369-0376
Brooklyn Mercantile, 335 5th Ave, 718-788-1323
Random Building, 333 5th Ave
Serene Rose, 331 5th Ave, 718-832-3225
Razor, 329 5th Ave, 718-832-0717
Picada y Vino Wine Shop, 327 5th Ave, 718-499-2392
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 325 5th Ave
Kids On Fifth, 323 5th Ave, 718-768-2233
The Gate, 321 5th Ave, 718-768-4329

Scoring
Bonuses – History, Swings, Beer
Shames – One Empty Storefront

5th Ave from President St to Union St:
This block begins with a Community Garden. If you're like me & occasionally appreciate nature, places like this provide a nice little oasis in the city. Plus, there’s a colorful mural at the back of the garden. One of these days, I’m totally getting a spot in an NYC community garden…maybe once they legalize marijuana.

The first business on the block is DNA Footwear, a shoe store that recently took over the space where Beacon’s Closet used to be. I find it sort of fishy that on Yelp, there are three five-star reviews in a two-day period on their page, all from people who have only done one review…of DNA Footwear. I also think 9/11 was an inside job, so you might not want to embrace my conspiracy theory about them.

And they’re back to the Block-Off! There are officially more NYCPet.com locations in Park Slope than there are Starbucks. What gives? Do you fuckers have that many pets & that little desire to walk a few blocks that the demand’s there? If so, I’ll shut my trap, but until I see a bar graph or some shit, I’m calling “unnecessary.”

Next up is an Associated Supermarkets, which happens to be the grocery locale I frequent most outside of my immediate neighborhood. Usually, it’s after I’ve picked up some beer at Bierkraft & am thinking, “I need me a snack to go with this.” Tonight’s Associated pickup…New York Style Everything Bagel Crisps. I am so putting some Bierkraft cheese crafted from the teats of three mammals on top of them…like right now.

At the end of the block, there’s Something Else on Fifth. They have a couple Brooklyn locations, featuring women’s clothing & whatnot. Something else about this place? It’s on the corner, which means you can totally park a skateboard outside & ride the hill down to safety after you do a lil’ snatch & grab. JK! If Wynona Ryder has taught me anything, it’s that shoplifting is bad.

The other side of the street begins with Mezcal's, a Mexican place with a few locales here in Brooklyn. Back in March, the other locale appeared in the Block-Off! and I offered folks the opportunity to win either “a t-shirt with my face on it and/or a fresh-baked pie” if they could complete the alliteration “Mezcal's mediocre Mexican meals make my _____ melt.” None of you fuckers answered. Today, I propose an even better challenge. This time, the best answer gets a t-shirt with my face on it, a fresh-baked pie and an autographed 8” x 10” glossy of me during my Little League years.

Sorry, Park Slopers. You’re not really fuckers…especially you Leah, wherever you may be. After an APARTMENT BUILDING, we have Goldy+Mac, a boutique run by “two friends from the neighborhood.” I suppose that’s better than a place run by “two pricks from corporate,” so you should check it out. Buy local or something.

For the dry cleaning set, there’s our next business, Yes Cleaners. Obviously, it’s the sort of place that an owner of a lonely heart might get his or her dry cleaning done.

For the coolectable set, Bob & Judi's Coolectables has a bunch of retro stuff & antiques & whatnot. Some of their stuff makes me think of a time when The Grateful Dead still mattered.

For the positive oral hygiene set, the next business is Gentle Dental Associates. As the name states, they won’t hurt you at all…except for when they tell you that it’ll cost you multiple thousands to bring your mouth up to speed.

Since you just learned that you’ll need to sell a kidney to fix your teeth, it’s time to get drunk. Next to the dentists’ office, there’s a wine shop—Red White & Bubbly. I’ve always found them to be friendly & since they have a sign that notes, “We don’t play Fox News,” they’re automatically cool.

Are you thinking of selling your brownstone or dying or getting what you deserve from those asbestos-careless motherfuckers? The next-to-last business on the block is a law office—Ardito & Ardito. The space is also home to D’nin Realty, so you can definitely do some OOMPR wheeling & dealing here.

The block ends with Body Reserve, a place that, to me, seems like the most “real” gym in Park Slope, for what that’s worth. It’s housed in a cool building with a faux portico. If I was motivated enough to get a gym membership & confident enough to do so in a “real” gym, I’d probably go here, but two days a year of dancing to Phish is enough physical activity for me.  Aw...how fittingly closing.

Left-hand side:
Community Garden
DNA Footwear, 220 5th Ave, 718-798-2901
NYCPet.com, 218 5th Ave, 718-230-8224
Associated Supermarkets, 216 5th Ave, 718-789-4499
Something Else on Fifth, 208 5th Ave, 718-230-4162

Right-hand side:
Mezcal's, 223 5th Ave, 718-783-3276
APARTMENT BUILDING, 221 5th Ave
Goldy+Mac, 219 5th Ave, 718-230-5603
Yes Cleaners, 219 5th Ave, 718-857-6668
Bob & Judi's Coolectables, 217 5th Ave, 718-638-5770
Gentle Dental Associates, 217 5th Ave, 718-789-2400
Red White & Bubbly, 211 5th Ave, 718-636-9463
Ardito & Ardito/D’nin Realty, 211 5th Ave, 718-399-1100
Body Reserve, 207 5th Ave, 718-789-7009

Scoring
Bonuses – One Community Garden, One Sweet Neighborhood Wine Shop, One “Real” Gym
Shames – One Conspiratorial Shoe Store

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
5TH AVE FROM 4TH ST TO 3RD ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.