BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 12th & 11th] vs. 7th Ave [btwn 12th & 11th]

In last week’s Block-Off!, we paid tribute to Cinco de Mayo with a drunkenly epic battle between two of the Slope’s more yawn-worthy blocks. Since today marks the birthday of two of New York’s crappiest actors—Steven Baldwin (43) & Emilio Estevez (46)—we’ll be dedicating this week’s Block-Off! to their pathetic acting careers. Remember Usual Suspects? That was pretty good. The Breakfast Club? Loved that shit.  What happened, guys?

This week, we’ll be pitting 5th Ave from 12th St to 11th St against 7th Ave from 12th St to 11th St. As the two blocks inhabit the insipid souls of these two washed-up Hollywood actors, one will realize that he’s the lowest in his family’s pecking order, turn to God & start a conservative talk show. The other will start off well but eventually crash & burn by doing a trilogy based on a Disney hockey team & then turn to directing, slightly redeeming himself. In the end, nobody will be proud, but neither will have OD’d, so there’s that. Let the washed-up, B-list, I’m-the-least-favorite-brother themed judging begin!

5th Ave from 12th St to 11th St:
Our first block opens with a Sleepy's. They’re the self-proclaimed “mattress professionals” who are known by their slogan “for the rest of your life.” Frankly, the slogan’s always seemed a bit possessive & creepy to me, but they got their start in Brooklyn, so I’m going to let it slide.

Next to it is Max Beauty Supplies & Salon, whose name reminds me of the Simpsons episode “Homer to the Max,” from season ten, when The Simpsons was still sort of funny. In it, a new TV show called Police Cops debuts and it features a cool cop named Homer Simpson. Homer’s psyched, but eventually, the writers change the character to an idiot and an embarrassed Homer decides to legally change his name to “Max Power,” after being inspired by a hair dryer setting…pure comedy gold.

Park Slope Restaurant, this block’s representative diner, follows the Max. I’ve got to be honest here…after two & a half years living just ten blocks away from it, I’ve never gone in here. I always walk right past it in favor of other diners. I’m sure their coffee & BLTs & whatnot are just fine though. You can’t fuck those up, right?

The next place is actually an Optical Illusion. Try it out one day. If you look at it facing north, it’s an eyeglass store. If you change directions and face south—dinosaur.

It’s followed by Fresh on 5th, which has sassy clothing for your sassy ass…other stuff for your non-ass parts as well.

After it, there’s an EMPTY STOREFRONT that’s being converted into an “eating/drinking establishment,” followed by 99¢ Bezar. Despite the fact that their name’s spelled a bit bizarrely, there’s nothing bizarre about the awesome savings you’ll get here. Toilet paper? 99¢. Paper towels? 99¢. You can wipe your ass & your countertops for less than three dollars!

Thrifty Liquidators comes after it. As a former Boy Scout (one whole badge!), I’m aware that a scout’s virtues are to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean & reverent. This place is at least one of those things.

Dreamy’s isn’t exactly my idea of a dream. There are absolutely no traces of Rose Byrne or Zooey Deschanel in this place.

The right-hand side of the block begins with one of the saddest places in all of Park Slope, the OTB. OTB, how can I explain it? Some people try to blame it by saying that it’s sucking all their money down the drain and they’re losing all their money on the ponies yo. Old men with stogies and self-esteem that’s probably low…You down with OTB? Yeah you know me.

Tacos Neuvo Mexico [PICTURED ABOVE] is next door to the OTB. Until earlier this year, they occupied two connected storefronts after the OTB—one that housed a restaurant area & one that housed a restaurant/bar area. After a few months of renovating the restaurant/bar area, they reopened it last week & made it the main restaurant area. It’s my favorite Mexican joint on 5th south of 9th St…plus, I’m pretty sure one of the waitresses was totally digging me this one time I was waiting for my take out.

Once you’re done consuming your weight in chimichangas, you should probably head next door to Pepe Sportswear and get a tracksuit or something for yo fat ass.

There’s another salon after it—Hair Designs By Julie. Back in junior high, this girl named Julie moved to my school, all the way from Roswell, Georgia (funny man David Cross’s hometown & a place that he refers to as “the whitest place on Earth.”) She had a Southern accent & wore bright red lipstick & I totally fell in love with her. Then she moved away the very next year & broke my 7th Grade heart. She doesn’t work here, but I’m not getting my hair designed here just out of principle.

If you want to have yourself some crazy-ass rainbow nails, head to the next place, Five Color Nail. As the name implies, they’ll do your nails up crazy color style. I’m no beautician, but can you legally put five colors on one nail? Maybe they have a special license or something.

If you’re looking for Brooklyn pizza on this block, look no further than Joe's Pizza. I say that because there are no other pizza joints. A year or so back, two of my high school-era friends converged on NYC and stayed with me for the weekend. At both the beginning & end of the night, one of them got what he refers to as “the spicy slice.” He calls it that because it tore his ass up something fierce the next morning.

Puppet’s Jazz Bar is one of the few music joints in Park Slope, so they get kudos for that. I’m still waiting for the day that Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem reunite & play this place.

Metro PCS is the only cell phone store in this week’s competition. THANK FUCKING GOD. I’m running low on cell phone jokes.

If you’re into seafood, you’ll love the next business, Sea World Fish. Contrary to popular belief, they don’t serve killer whale here, which is a bit disappointing because it’s been years since I’ve a tasty grilled Shamu steak.

At the end of the block there’s Timboo's Bar, a grizzled looking joint with a dark, faded storefront. Quite frankly, I’m scared to go in here. Smith’s Tavern & Harry Boland’s Pub & Jackie’s Fifth Amendment are fine enough, but I whenever I walk by here, I always worry that if I went inside, I’d get stabbed. Full disclosure: I worry that I’m going to get stabbed 92% of the time.

Left-hand side:
Sleepy's, 498 5th Ave, 718-788-1723
Max Beauty Supplies & Salon, 494 5th Ave, 718-832-8240
Park Slope Restaurant, 492 5th Ave, 718-832-2626
Optical Illusion, 490 5th Ave, 718-832-1100
Fresh on 5th, 488 5th Ave, 718-369-4043
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 486 5th Ave
99¢ Bezar, 482-4 5th Ave, 718 832 4811
Thrifty Liquidators, 482 5th Ave
Dreamy’s, 480 5th Ave

Right-hand side:
OTB, 491 5th Ave
Tacos Neuvo Mexico, 487-491 5th Ave, 718-369-2185
Pepe Sportswear, 487 5th Ave, 718-965-5252
Hair Designs By Julie, 487 5th Ave, 718-369-0825
Five Color Nail, 485 5th Ave, 718-369-6922
Joe's Pizza, 483 5th Ave, 718-369-2634
Puppet’s Jazz Bar, 481 5th Ave, 718-499-2622
Metro PCS, 481 5th Ave, 718- 600-0856
Sea World Fish, 479 5th Ave, 718-768-6856
Timboo's Bar, 477 5th Ave, 718-789-9782

Scoring
Bonuses – One Simpsons Reference, One Optical Illusion, One Newly Renovated Mexican Joint, One Jazz Bar
Shames – One Empty Storefront, One Depressing Establishment, One Stabby Bar

7th Ave from 12th St to 11th St:
We start our next block with Little Purity, the sister diner to Purity Diner, down on the corner of 7th St. It’s your basic lil’ diner amongst the many basic lil’ diners in the neighborhood.  I hate purity though...chaste too.

Our first realtor on the block comes after it—Accent International Realty. I’m slowly realizing that pretty much every realtor in Park Slope is OOMPR…looks like I need to get me a mate fast, strictly for dual-income purposes.

It’s followed by Naidre's, a cafe whose slogan is “Eat. Drink. Smile.” Given the name of my blog, I can’t help but feeling a kinship with their tastiness. They have another location up in Carroll Gardens, so if you ever end up there for some reason, you can go to that one instead.

Then there’s Big Nose, Full Body, a wine shop owned by the same folks who own ‘brook•vin wine bar (also on this block). In addition to their wine skills, they obviously know something about how to cleverly name your business.

Another realtor, A.D. Shaye Realty Group, comes after Big Nose. I don’t even know why I bothered looking at the listings in their window. OOMPR.

Surprisingly, there’s only one bodega in this week’s Block-Off!—J & H Market, which means you’re limited in your snacking & blunt wrap options.

The tag team of 7th Avenue Art Supplies and 7th Avenue Framing comes next. It’s good that there’s a neighborhood art supplies store, but it sucks that I completely spaced & forgot it existed on Saturday when I needed some paint for an artistic phase I was going through.

The third realtor on the block, Real Brownstone Real Estate, is officially the most OOMPR of the three.  You folks can blow all your money on real estate.  I'm going to blow mine on porn.

This side of the block ends with El Milagro, who offers “jewelry, furniture & gifts.” The jewelry’s pretty cute, so if you’re looking for a way to prevent that special someone from dumping your ass this summer, stop on by.

On the right-hand side of the block, the first business is Clover Barbershop, a neighborhood place that’s been there for years. Last I heard, the owner, Ercole Riccardelli, was getting too old to continue, so I’m not 100% certain what the status of this place is. Either way, old-timey neighborhood barbershops are few & far between.

The summer’s coming up and you’re in luck. The next business, Brooks Vacuum, is having an air conditioner sale! That means you can get a vacuum & an air conditioner at the same place! Then you can suck the dirt off of your floor at the same time that the A.C. is bumping up those electric bills & sucking all the money out of your wallet! Synergy!

The pet store next to it—NYCpet.com—is one of many locations in Brooklyn. I can get cat food & whatnot here but what I don’t get is why the fuck the .com is necessary in their name.

After an EMPTY STOREFRONT, there’s Salon De’Larue. I can’t comment on their haircutting abilities, but somebody really should’ve proofread their website before it went live. There are egregious spelling & grammatical errors all over it…& the song on there sucks.

As far as awesome names go, the next business—'brook•vin—bests its sister business across the street. It’s a wine bar with a little bit of wine & a little bit of food & a little bit of Brooklyn all smashed together into one establishment. The Red curry cashews sound absolutely snacktastic.

Hudson Cleaners, quite possibly the largest cleaners known to man, takes up the rest of the block. Dry cleaning’s not really my style, but I do like their sign in the window that proclaims, “we do pound laundry.” I imagine this means that they have a guy who takes your laundry out back and kicks the living shit out of it...Brooklyn style. Now that’s hardcore.

Left-hand side:
Little Purity, 390 7th Ave, 718-369-1722
Accent International Realty, 388 7th Ave, 718-965-0915
Naidre's, 384 7th Ave, 718-965-7585
Big Nose, Full Body, 384 7th Ave, 718-369-4030
A.D. Shaye Realty Group, 378 7th Ave, 718-832-8800
J & H Market, 378 7th Ave, 718-499-7513
7th Avenue Art Supplies, 376 7th Ave, 718-369-4969
7th Avenue Framing, 374 7th Ave, 718-832-0655
Real Brownstone Real Estate, 372 7th Ave, 718-499-1410
El Milagro, 370 7th Ave, 718-369-9825

Right-hand side:
Clover Barbershop, 389 7th Ave, 718-768-5259
Brooks Vacuum, 387 7th Ave, 718-832-0055
NYCpet.com, 385 7th Ave, 718-768-3954
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 383a 7th Ave
Salon De’Larue, 383 7th Ave, 718-965-1165
‘brook•vin, 381 7th Ave, 718-768-WINE
Hudson Cleaners, 369 7th Ave, 718-965-0999

Scoring
Bonuses – Two Cleverly-named Wine Places, One Old-Timey Barbershop
Shames – One Empty Storefront, Three OOMPRS, One Gratuitously-named Pet Store, One Gratuitously-sized Cleaners

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
5TH AVE FROM 12TH ST TO 11TH ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.