Bite Me, Michael Pollan

It is my new paranoid theory that Michael Pollan, author of Food Rules, was put here on earth to terrorize me. As if living among  organic-crazed, vegetarian/vegan, work-out obsessed Park Slopers  isn’t enough,  I now have to deal with MP and his highfalutin ideas about what I should or should not eat, drink, or buy splashed across every newspaper and magazine page I turn, and every high-brow talk show I listen to. 

Why in God's name should I or my kids not eat overly processed, genetically engineered food from time to time? If it’s not food, as MP claims, what is it?

I can put it in mouth (it tastes reasonably good), I can chew it, and I can digest it. Who died and left Michael Pollan king of “you should only eat what your grandparents recognized as food?” My Jewish grandparents ate entrails and tongue for fuck’s sake. I wouldn’t eat shit like that for all the no-workshift food Coops in the world. I’d rather live on ammonia shot-up Mickey Ds or food laden with (gasp!) high-fructose corn syrup than have any part of that nonsense. 

Annie’s products can bite me as well. My kid came home from “Healthy Choices” week at school (barf) extolling the virtues of the very same snack crackers I send her to school with...only difference was that her "HEALTHY CHOICE" crackers were Annie’s Organic junky crackers. Have you tasted Annie’s whole wheat macaroni and cheese? Puhleeeze… 

To all you Slopers out there who won’t let your kids or yourselves eat anything other than organic, non-genetically engineered, local, or non-processed food, I say this: keep it to yourselves. Also, try to not look down your noses at me for letting my kids eat Cheez-its, non-organic cookies, and horror of horrors, Key Food-bought, factory-raised chicken.